Epic Movie (2007) (part 10 of 11)

A long fade comes up on a shining sun. The four orphans climb into view, dressed in their Narnia Battle outfits from the real movie. They look out across the battlefield, only to find it empty. “Where is everybody?” Peter asks. And then we see the rock he’s standing on, which is only about a foot high, and it’s in the middle of an open field. He just now noticed that they’re entirely alone?

Kal blames the sudden defection on the fact that Susan puked on everyone. You mean, they’ll follow four morons to their deaths because of a prophesy, but not if it involves vomit? Those are some fickle rebels.

Susan observes that they may be outnumbered. The long shot now shows an army of thousands at the other end of the clearing, stacked ten deep. It’s really a large crowd, but I suspect the shot was accomplished with CGI trickery. I’m pretty sure the directors don’t know this many people. All close-ups show something like twenty soldiers, about three deep. So in that respect, this is just like Braveheart.

In an unintentional bit of comedy, one of the soldiers is growling and shaking his scythe, which causes the edge of the (obviously rubber) blade to wobble. I’ll take it because, at this point, unintentional comedy is the only comedy I’m going to get.

It’s time for Peter’s big heroic moment. Accordingly, he goes white, begins to cluck, and turns to flee, showing off his chicken wings. I try to care, and fail. Peter gets about ten steps away before he stops himself, looks pensive, and tells us he’s not running anymore. Then he reaches behind his back and, ugh, pulls off his chicken wings. Removing one’s wings is a stolen bit from Dogma, by the way. Again, if you’re going to steal, guys, at least do it from movies your target audience hasn’t seen repeatedly.

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Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

Multi-Part Article: Epic Movie (2007)

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