Oct 14, 2020
8 actors who should play Theodore Roosevelt in the new Teddy biopic
We feel like we have been waiting all our lives for a good serious Theodore Roosevelt biopic, because that shit will be an action-packed laugh-a-minute joy ride. Finally, our prayers are answered as Dreamworks is set to adapt the new Doris Kearns Goodwin book, The Bully Pulpit: Theodore Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, and the Golden Age of Journalism. The most important question of our morning is who, of course, will play Teddy himself.
1) Must be a sort of broad-ish solid person or be able to bulk up in some Robert De Niro method actor way.
2) Must be able to rock that magnificent mustache.
3) Must be able to wear one of those safari bucket hats while yelling CHAAARRRRGGGEEE.
Basically, they need to be this come to life:
Let’s see who we’ve got.
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1) Philip Seymour Hoffman
He already rocked that mustache in ‘The Master’ and he is a Very Serious Actor. He just can’t wear any ill-fitting tank tops like he does in “Boogie Nights.”
2) Jessica Lange
Already regal, already good looking with that short hair. Thanks to “American Horror Story,” we also already know she can be TERRIFYING and that might come in handy.
3) Russell Crowe
Already familiar with playing old-timey characters in “Les Miserables” and “Gladiator” and also too able to rock the facial hair. In addition, he has gotten kind of jowly?
4) Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett can play ANYONE, but might have trouble getting to full Teddy Roosevelt width, even with protein powder daily.
5) Glenn Beck
Beck could be the real dark horse here, as he’s already got a giant blockish head. However, two key limitations may tank him: (1) The fear he will cry at any moment and (2) Not sure that preternaturally smooth baby face can grow a mustache.
6) Ron Swanson
Already stern. Already mustachio’d. No, we have no idea who the actor actually is.
7) Daniel Day Lewis
He’s already done president with historic facial hair in “Lincoln” and he is contractually required to be in all historical dramas we think?
8) Ronan Farrow
Because he’s already Ronan Farrow, duh.
WINNER: Ron Swanson, no doubt. The mustache is just too perfect.
Who are we kidding? It will probably be Tom Hanks and then we will never go see it.