Duck Dynasty Is The New 'White Santa' And Now There Is So Much Derp

Duck Dynasty Is The New 'White Santa' And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome.


While we have already covered the incoherent ramblings of Quitter Princess Palin, there has been a flood, a deluge if you will, of right wing asshats who have been desperately trying to curry favor with 2016 primary voters protect the free speech of bigots everywhere. Where, oh where, to begin?

First, there was Mr. Duck’s home state Governor, Bobby Jindal, the second-worstest Indian-American governor in the country. Despite the racially insensitive nature of the remarks, Jindal decided that 2016 ambitions were more important than calling out racism/bigotry:

“Phil Robertson and his family are great citizens of the State of Louisiana. The politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints, except those they disagree with… In fact, I remember when TV networks believed in the First Amendment. It is a messed up situation when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh, and Phil Robertson gets suspended “

Hahahahaha, good joke there, future Also-Ran. Has no one explained that the Constitutional Amendments apply to government censoring free speech, and that private corportation-people are allowed to air WHATEVER THE FUCK they want? Phil Robertson can say whatever he pleases, but A&E is under no Constitutional mandate to air viewpoints they disagree with.

Who’s next?  How about our favorite Texi-Canadian Ted Cruz (R-Alberta). Having recently received a lot of flack for daring to attend the funeral of commie Nelson Mandela, Cruz was in desperate need of winning back the wingnut wing of the GOP (which is just about all of them). So he went to FaceSpace with this:

If you believe in free speech or religious liberty, you should be deeply dismayed over the treatment of Phil Robertson. Phil expressed his personal views and his own religious faith; for that, he was suspended from his job. In a free society, anyone is free to disagree with him–but the mainstream media should not behave as the thought police censoring the views with which they disagree.

Let’s be clear — no one’s free speech or religious liberty is in jeopardy. Once again, the government is taking a hands-off approach, and has not once threatened to send Mr. Robertson to a FEMA Re-Educate or Die Camp… yet. Once again, he has every right to express his awful views, to anyone who will want to listen. It just seems that A&E no longer wants to spend their time listening.

But wait, you say. This is all normal-level rightwing derpitude. Isn’t there anyone who really goes overboard? Perhaps put Phil Robertson in the same category as… say… the Pope? Wish granted, via Newser:

“Ironically, if you read the whole interview, not just take one section, he talks very specifically about loving everybody. He talks very specifically about not being judgmental toward anybody, that’s God’s decision, not his. I mean, it is remarkable. There’s sections there where he sounds like Pope Francis.”

What luminary spakest these words? None other than thrice-married philanderer Newt Gingrich, on CNN’s sad resurrection of Crossfire. Because when Pope Francis said, “If someone says they are gay, who am I to judge?” he clearly meant that it is ok to judge gays as being gross for preferring the anus, and to call it illogical and sinful.


These politicians were restrained compared to the vitriol and hatred coming from the religious right. Because is there is anything Jesus stood for, it was to hate thine enemies, and if they strike you on the cheek verbally, slaughter their household. We are paraphrasing the Gospel of Luke…or Fred. Anyway, take it away National Organization for Marriage:

But Christianity, and every other major religion, be damned in the eyes of the HRC, GLAAD and their allies. They will brook no objection, tolerate no dissent and accept no disagreement when it comes to their orthodoxy. In their twisted worldview, anyone who dares to speak the truth about homosexuality must be punished and effectively banished from civil society.

They are brutal bullies, plain and simple.

Yeah, it sucks to be bullied by the gays. If only Christians maintained some sort of power within the governmental structures, like 80 percent of lawmakers and 44 consecutive Presidents and a majority of the Supreme Court. Also, too, Robertson has already fled ‘civil society,’ because he lives in Louisana. (Yes, that was the one mandatory slam on Southern states that all snarky articles must contain, lest we get our snark license revoked.)

Robertson’s family is rallying around the patriarch, calling into question the future of the show in a statement, via CNN:

“We are disappointed that Phil has been placed on hiatus for expressing his faith, which is his constitutionally protected right. We have had a successful working relationship with A&E but, as a family, we cannot imagine the show going forward without our patriarch at the helm. We are in discussions with A&E to see what that means for the future of Duck Dynasty.”

Oh noes! The sophisticated crowd that watches Arts & Entertainment Television may take their eyeballs straight over to the History channel for some Ice Road Truckers. Heavens!

But all of this suspension stuff by A&E is probably a moo point because the new season of Duck Dynasty is pretty much wrapped up and will begin polluting your teevee screens on Jan. 15, 2014. And the ratings will probably be through the roof and probably every asshat imaginable will post photos on your MyFace page of themselves eating Chick-Fil-A hatenuggets while watching, so you have that to look forward to.

[ / Facebook / Newser / Right Wing Watch / CNN / Little Green Footballs]

TV Show: Duck Dynasty

You may also like...