Duck Dynasty And National Review Cruises Locked In Battle To Death To Claim Your Hard-Earned Angerbear Racist Dollars
Looking forward to 2014? Already planning your big vacation? Decided which cruise you’re going to go on? Probably not, because you’re probably having an incredibly difficult time deciding between the Duck Dynasty cruise or the National Review cruise, or shooting yourself in the head. Yes, yes, we know. In past years, you’ve made sure to catch the National Review boatlift, just so you could hear from such luminaries as Robert Bork and Ken Starr, but this year you may have to give a pass to National Review’s merry band of sailing nihilists and go for five glorious days with the cast of Duck Dynasty.
The “Duck Commander” cruise will feature “question and answer sessions” and “autograph sessions” with Robertson and other members of his family. There will also be musical performances by “American Idol” winner Scotty McCreery and Mac Powell of the “Christian rock band Third Day.” Taking off from Miami, the five-day cruise includes stops in Key West and Cozumel.
(Thumbs through internet, realizes Scotty McCreery really is a person who won American Idol, remembers that not everyone gets to be Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.)
Well that is exciting, now isn’t it? Something for everyone, if by “everyone” you mean the Christian cable teevee devotee in your family, because let’s face it, even the non-teevee-themed cruises are a hellscape nightmare:
Picture yourself by a pool. Then surround yourself with the worst people you can imagine. The cheap, the petty, the broken, the probably racist, the loud, the teenaged. Then imagine them all half-dressed. And drunk. While the music playing is atrocious. And the whole thing is bobbing back and forth with a nausea-inducing rhythm.
Hmmm. Yeah, we really don’t want to see those Duck guys half-dressed, though to be honest at least their beard would cover most of their torsos. Let’s wander over and check out who the entertainment is on the National Review adventure.
Nope, nope, nope nope nope riding the nope train instead of that cruise NOOOOPPPPPEEE. A half-dressed K-Lo cavorting with brittle Mona Charen poolside might put us off our game for forever. Bright side: either cruise likely offers us a full range of racism and homophobia as an accompaniment to our free shrimp cocktail, so there is that.
There’s got to be some liebrul cruise we can go on, right? Something chock full of debauchery and drugs and buttsecks and all the things liebruls like? Oh hey, there’s a Nation cruise! Let’s check out a picture from a past year.
Hmmm. If there is buttsecks happening in that room it is verrrrryyyyy subtle.
Maybe cruises just aren’t for us. We’ll probably just stay home and read some David Foster Wallacebecause there is no chance of a book getting half-naked and sloshed on Mai Tais.