Duck Dynasty And National Review Cruises Locked In Battle To Death To Claim Your Hard-Earned Angerbear Racist Dollars

nothing says "relaxation" like guns and grammatical errors

Looking forward to 2014? Already planning your big vacation? Decided which cruise you’re going to go on? Probably not, because you’re probably having an incredibly difficult time deciding between the Duck Dynasty cruise or the National Review cruise, or shooting yourself in the head. Yes, yes, we know. In past years, you’ve made sure to catch the National Review boatlift, just so you could hear from such luminaries as Robert Bork and Ken Starr, but this year you may have to give a pass to National Review’s merry band of sailing nihilists and go for five glorious days with the cast of Duck Dynasty.

The “Duck Commander” cruise will feature “question and answer sessions” and “autograph sessions” with Robertson and other members of his family. There will also be musical performances by “American Idol” winner Scotty McCreery and Mac Powell of the “Christian rock band Third Day.” Taking off from Miami, the five-day cruise includes stops in Key West and Cozumel.

(Thumbs through internet, realizes Scotty McCreery really is a person who won American Idol, remembers that not everyone gets to be Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.)

Well that is exciting, now isn’t it? Something for everyone, if by “everyone” you mean the Christian cable teevee devotee in your family, because let’s face it, even the non-teevee-themed cruises are a hellscape nightmare:

Picture yourself by a pool. Then surround yourself with the worst people you can imagine. The cheap, the petty, the broken, the probably racist, the loud, the teenaged. Then imagine them all half-dressed. And drunk. While the music playing is atrocious. And the whole thing is bobbing back and forth with a nausea-inducing rhythm.

Hmmm. Yeah, we really don’t want to see those Duck guys half-dressed, though to be honest at least their beard would cover most of their torsos. Let’s wander over and check out who the entertainment is on the National Review adventure.


National_Review_Cruise 2

Nope, nope, nope nope nope riding the nope train instead of that cruise NOOOOPPPPPEEE. A half-dressed K-Lo cavorting with brittle Mona Charen poolside might put us off our game for forever. Bright side: either cruise likely offers us a full range of racism and homophobia as an accompaniment to our free shrimp cocktail, so there is that.

There’s got to be some liebrul cruise we can go on, right? Something chock full of debauchery and drugs and buttsecks and all the things liebruls like? Oh hey, there’s a Nation cruise! Let’s check out a picture from a past year.


Hmmm. If there is buttsecks happening in that room it is verrrrryyyyy subtle.

Maybe cruises just aren’t for us. We’ll probably just stay home and read some David Foster Wallacebecause there is no chance of a book getting half-naked and sloshed on Mai Tais.

[TPM / HitFix]

TV Show: Duck Dynasty

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  • There’s never an iceburg when you really need one.

  • Buddha Stalin

    Why can’t these cruises be the ones where they all get diarrhea and have to go in plastic bags?

    • Señor Skwerl

      Because this is an average day for many cruise ship enthusiasts.

  • Enfant Terrible

    James Lileks is going to be on the NR cruise? Tedious stories about shopping at Target! Cloying references to Gnat! Who’d want to miss that?

    • I’m pretty sure that Gnat has cocooned, molted, and fled the nest or died in the attempt.

  • Farb

    Probably a Carnivore Cruise with backed up bidets.

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  • $160578

    In a just world, the only ship John Yoo would be on would be headed to Devil’s Island.

    • Ellis_Weiner

      Or in Charon’s boat, across the river Styx.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Or the Hague.Just don’t ask, just let me have this.

  • Albert E Short

    Go for the NR cruise. Allen West is going to intimidate Norman Podhoretz, Amity Shlaes is going to say the Titanic would have been fine if it directly rammed the iceberg, and maybe you can get some stock picks from Kevin “Dow 36000” Hassett.

  • PubOption

    How many people in the Duck Dynasty audience have passports?

  • kennyg

    Key West!

    • shane-o

      I grew up in Key West (literally, not in some alternative coming-of-age sense), and I foresee one little problem for this dude….I think I’ll be monitoring the Key West Citizen’s website during the cruise’s visit.

    • Cerberus79

      Yes, that gay mecca. I predict the ship and all on board will never be heard from again.

  • SullivanSt

    Both those cruises are clear violations of the 8th Amendment, although only one features a genuine war criminal in the lineup.

  • Pope Ratzo

    My kingdom for a submarine loaded with torpedoes.Though I bet it would be kind of entertaining to see Allen West dressed up as Isaac from Love Boat, serving drinks.

  • Mickey Bitsko

    “You sank my mehttleship!”

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  • The “Duck Commander” cruise will feature “question and answer sessions” and “autograph sessions” […] Taking off from Miami, the five-day cruise includes stops in Key West and Cozumel.” I foresee nothing that could possibly go wrong with that itinerary.

  • In the great state of Alabama, state Sen. Jerry Fielding announced that he’ll introduce a resolution calling on A&E network to end its oppression of Phil Robertson, who was simply stating what all good BIBLE HUMPERS believe:

    • Wow. Looks like that failed, right? ‘Bible Humpers?’ Really? You’re living your hell now, right?

  • OUR Chinese Puppets of Masterful Merchandising have perfected the brainwashing techniques they pioneered in the Korean War: you can sell anything in this country* if you wrap it tightly enough in the Flag and the Bible. (to white people)

  • GeoffZoref

    If you put a gun to my head, I’d ask you to shoot me, please. If you put a gun to a puppy’s head, I’d have to go for the Duck Cruise, because the following link is a photo of what they look like when they’re not posing at backwoods rednecks:

  • Lot of hate here, Lefties. I’m just sayin’. Is that REALLY working for you? And…ummm… they don’t drink, cuss, cheat on their wives, or smoke weed. They love their kids and created a product that a lot of people purchase. The pic below is 10 years old. Your narrowminded opinion of people that look different from you is pathetic…and sad. But you kids keep up the good work! Dividing the country (or trying to) is working for ya’. Peace.