In Move That Surprises No One, Duck Dynasty Guys Now Have Their Own Line Of Guns, For Freedom

In Move That Surprises No One, Duck Dynasty Guys Now Have Their Own Line Of Guns, For Freedom

In the great American tradition of failing bigoting upward, Phil Robertson and his Duck Dynasty clanspawn have certainly been the bestest. Fresh off an entirely meaningless suspension and an appearance on Sarah Palin’s Rockin’ Word Salad New Year’s Eve, we now learn that the Duck People have a gun endorsement deal because of course they have.

The gunmaker Mossberg has teamed with Duck Commander, the company owned by “Duck Dynasty’s” Robertson clan, to release nine different shotguns, as well as two semiautomatic rifles and a semiautomatic pistol.

What do these guns look like? Glad you asked, because it sounds like they are super sexcellent.

The “Duck Commander Series” of 12 weapons is largely what you’d expect: shotguns buried in so much matte hunter camouflage paint, it looks like Jackson Pollock vomited on them after a week of experimenting with veganism. The weapons are also stamped with the mantra: “Faith. Family. Ducks.” They also all come with “An American Flag bandana, like the one worn by Willie” on the family’s A&E show.

There are also some Very Dramatic Ad Spots that make it look like the Robertson clan is heading off to the Vietnam War circa 1969 rather than just going to blow apart some defenseless ducks with a semi-automatic rifle. The drama of them is weirdly uncut by 5 seconds or so of a duck call at the end, as if someone has wandered onto the soundstage to angrily kazoo.

Yes, you did just watch a man quote the Declaration of Independence and tell us that his pursuit of happiness is a warm gun and a blowed-apart duck head. Well, we’re sure that’s just what the Founding Fathers had in mind, so way to protect freedom, Phil Robertson.

You can also hear Phil’s origin story, which he clearly still faps to, about how he sploded apart his first duck at age 11 or something, and how God designed humans to kill ducks.

We’re thrilled to add “bullshit Christian dominionism” to Phil’s growing repertoire of dumb/terrible things to think and say.

Dramatic ads aside, it looks like these fancy new endorsed guns are not actually all that useful as guns.

As CNN puts it: “The pistol and one of the rifles have military-style designs with large capacity magazines holding at least 25 rounds. The rifle has some of the features of an assault rifle, but with a relatively low .22 caliber.” See? It’s got small rounds that are no good for duck hunting or mass-killing, we swear. How many useless guns can we put you down for?

We were going to look up how much these things cost and ridicule that, but then we remembered we actually have no frame of reference for camo-bedazzled pistols and also, too, a deep lack of caring, so you’re on your own for scaring up that info.


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  • Lazy Media

    Mossberg’s website appears to be overloaded with traffic (Anonymous shenanigans?), but The Blaze came through with prices. A normal camouflaged-up Mossberg 935 duck-hunting shotgun is about $650. The same gun with a Doofus Dynasty logo is nearly $1,000. What’s kinda funny is that they also have a hunting show called Duck Commander, which is sponsored by Benelli (the Italian shotgun maker). Somebody needs to remind ol’ Phil about Hosea 6:10.

    • SullivanSt

      No need to blame Anonymous, this is a fan base that is probably for the most part proud to call themselves Dittoheads. Showing their individuality by all doing the same thing, supporting freedom by immediately doing what they’re told by their chosen authority figures.

  • Wilson P. Dizard

    Dragnet The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas. (Season 2, episode 7) The Dragnet radio & TV series benefited from producer Jack Webb’s insistence on authenticity, within the limits of the heavily-regulated radio, and later TV, media. One such case, in the late 1940s, involved the shooting death of a 9-year old Los Angeles boy by his 10-year old friend, when they were playing with a .22 rifle one of the boys had discovered as a yet-to-be-opened Christmas present. The tragic facts of the incident prompted thousands of protest letters to the NBC network and the NRA denounced the program; Webb forwarded many of the letters to police chief Parker who promised “ten more shows illustrating the folly of giving rifles to children'”Dragnet replayed the show repeatedly during later Christmas seasons. Wikipedia adds:”Dragnet broke an unspoken (and rarely broached) taboos of popular entertainment in the episode “.22 Rifle for Christmas”which aired December 22, 1949 and repeated at Christmastime for the next three years. The episode followed the search for two young boys, Stanley Johnstone and Stevie Morheim, only to discover Stevie had been accidentally killed while playing with a rifle that belonged to Stanley—who’d be receiving it as a Christmas present but opened the box early; Stanley finally told Friday that Stevie was running while holding the rifle when he tripped and fell, causing the gun to discharge, fatally wounding Morheim. NBC received thousands of complaint letters, including a protest by the National Rifle Association.

  • pragmastist

    Rednecks used to hate people with long hair and beards(I know because I used to be one). What the hell happened?