Sep 30, 2019
In Move That Surprises No One, Duck Dynasty Guys Now Have Their Own Line Of Guns, For Freedom
In the great American tradition of
failing bigoting upward, Phil Robertson and his Duck Dynasty clanspawn have certainly been the bestest. Fresh off an entirely meaningless suspension and an appearance on Sarah Palin’s Rockin’ Word Salad New Year’s Eve, we now learn that the Duck People have a gun endorsement deal because of course they have.
The gunmaker Mossberg has teamed with Duck Commander, the company owned by “Duck Dynasty’s” Robertson clan, to release nine different shotguns, as well as two semiautomatic rifles and a semiautomatic pistol.
What do these guns look like? Glad you asked, because it sounds like they are super sexcellent.
The “Duck Commander Series” of 12 weapons is largely what you’d expect: shotguns buried in so much matte hunter camouflage paint, it looks like Jackson Pollock vomited on them after a week of experimenting with veganism. The weapons are also stamped with the mantra: “Faith. Family. Ducks.” They also all come with “An American Flag bandana, like the one worn by Willie” on the family’s A&E show.
There are also some Very Dramatic Ad Spots that make it look like the Robertson clan is heading off to the Vietnam War circa 1969 rather than just going to blow apart some defenseless ducks with a semi-automatic rifle. The drama of them is weirdly uncut by 5 seconds or so of a duck call at the end, as if someone has wandered onto the soundstage to angrily kazoo.
Yes, you did just watch a man quote the Declaration of Independence and tell us that his pursuit of happiness is a warm gun and a blowed-apart duck head. Well, we’re sure that’s just what the Founding Fathers had in mind, so way to protect freedom, Phil Robertson.
You can also hear Phil’s origin story, which he clearly still faps to, about how he sploded apart his first duck at age 11 or something, and how God designed humans to kill ducks.
We’re thrilled to add “bullshit Christian dominionism” to Phil’s growing repertoire of dumb/terrible things to think and say.
Dramatic ads aside, it looks like these fancy new endorsed guns are not actually all that useful as guns.
As CNN puts it: “The pistol and one of the rifles have military-style designs with large capacity magazines holding at least 25 rounds. The rifle has some of the features of an assault rifle, but with a relatively low .22 caliber.” See? It’s got small rounds that are no good for duck hunting or mass-killing, we swear. How many useless guns can we put you down for?
We were going to look up how much these things cost and ridicule that, but then we remembered we actually have no frame of reference for camo-bedazzled pistols and also, too, a deep lack of caring, so you’re on your own for scaring up that info.