Downton Abbey Recap: Some Pigs.
Previously on Downton Abbey: Edith is having a wee little babby! There was much talk about pigs! Lord Grantham is gone to America! Branson continued to exist!
Have you been on tenterhooks worrying about the pigs? They are all right. I repeat, the pigs are all right. Now the family is asking the dead farmer’s son (Mr. Drew apparently) to be in charge of the pigs that almost died of dehydration last week. There are maybe 15 pigs? Certainly not more than 20. And these 15 pigs are the FUTURE upon which THE ESTATE HANGS, and all of the milords and miladies are congratulating themselves on buying these pigs. Really? What did a pig cost in 1929? Here is some information on what pigs cost today and it is not very much money at all! This plotline is dumb.
The Dowager is here to expository at Mrs. Crawley that the Teapot Dome scandal — in which Cora’s brother is sadly Embroiled — was a scandal about bribing goverment officials to let private companies drill for oil on public land. She says this like it is shocking. That is
hilarious very very very sad. America! Fuck yeah!
Cora needs help with the bazaar, so Lady Rose will not be able to sneak off with Jack Ross, at your service.
Here is Molesley to whine some more about life having kicked the stuffing out of him. So glad to see you Molesley. Are you well? Life has kicked the stuffing out of me. He is rather like Marvin the paranoid android, no? Mrs. Baxter has given a hint that she too has had the stuffing kicked out of her … but life can surprise you and here she is lady’s maid to a countess and by the way what can he tell her about Bates and Anna? Smooth, Baxter.
Ivy gets a disturbing letter, so Daisy is a total B about it. “Don’t rise to it, she just wants us to think her life is interesting,” she spits. Oh Daisy, do give it a rest. You are in danger of becoming Mrs. O’Brien.
Mrs. Crawley is all hey Branson go be a city councilman, and Branson Hamlets some more about the socialist he used to be but now he lives with the gentry and who am I?
The dowager: Snippy bitchy thing, Edith.
Edith: WHO TOLD YOU I HAD A BORTION.
Mary: Mr. Drew will watch the pigs.
The Dowager: Snippy bitchy thing, Napier’s rude friend who is apparently named Mr. Lord Blake Government Man.
Mary: Don’t be a C, granny, Mr. Blake has a softer side than we gave him credit for.
Yes, Lady Mary just called someone out for being a hardnosed icy bitch. Two people in fact. And she was not among them.
Mr. Blake has Boogie Nights hair, by the way. Just thought I’d mention it.
The baby comes in to the drawing room, to cry all over it, as if. The Dowager is all exit stage left even.
Mary to Anna: Gillingham’s coming again, do you think me feeble for encouraging him? Anna is all BTW BRUTAL RAPE. Well at last someone is using WORDS and COMMUNICATION in their lives. Good job Anna! Lady Mary will of course totally take this information and fuck everything up, on the real.
Ivy tells Mrs. Patmore the letter was from Alfred, who took her saying “hello” to him as evidence they should marry. I am sure Daisy will be most excellently serene at this news, as it was her lifelong dream to have Ivy not break Alfred’s heart. Mos def.
Breakfast time, and they are talking about the pigs. Mr. Drew is doing so awesome with them, surely the estate is saved. Edith, former farmer chaser, seems quite taken FORESHADOWING.
Ivy doesn’t want to marry Alfred, Daisy is going to be totally awesome about this as well, and DEFINITELY Ivy’s not damned if she do and if she don’t.
Mary is quite the businesswoman now, as she has come down early to go over numbers with Tom. Edith is about to tell everyone she’s schwanger with the Nazi kind. We must rise to life’s challenges. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PIGS? It has been at least 90 seconds since we have heard anything about them, has it not?
Rose and Jack Ross are having tea in a tea shop in Thirsk, and she is all let me touch your face and such, and he is all for real are you trying to get me lynched, and Branson sees them, is he going to be a Freedom Fighter for Oppressed Negroes now, or is he going to go full National Socialist? We will probably never find out, because Evil Edna will come back, or there will be something about the pigs. Again.
The cute redhead from the Liberal Party meeting is back, because they are going to cram Branson down our throats all season. STOP TRYING TO MAKE BRANSON HAPPEN, HE’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
The Dowager is coming for supper and Branson is wearing black tie and a tuxedo without tails like a common street urchin.
Mary is wearing the same blouse she was wearing before lunch — does Fellowes think we won’t notice if she doesn’t change for the meal? how he underestimates us — but she calls Branson out anyway, because a day without making someone feel small and uncomfortable is a day wasted. Branson is all HEY MARY THOUGHT I’D FINK OUT YOUR COUSIN FOR DRINKING TEA WITH A NEGRO, because freedom and also racism. Fucking Irish. Such racist bitches.
Oh so that commenter? tweeterer? who said Edith gives up the babby for adoption to a farmer was actually spoiling from watching it in Eng-Lande or whatever instead of making a hilarious joke. Didn’t see that coming! Edith is : (
Aunt Rosamund says hey let’s go to Switzerland and learn French and Edith is all YEAH MOM I’M NOT GOING TO SWITZERLAND TO GIVE UP MY BABY FOR ADOPTION, WHO SAID THAT. Cora is all oh fun byeeeeee.
Does anybody else get a Laura Bush vibe from Cora? What do you suppose they took in place of Valium in 1929? Laudanum, right?
Dinner! There is Branson in BLACK TIE instead of white but nobody is even a b about it, weird. Then Rosamund is all btw taking Edith to learn French and Mary is all HAW HAW YOU HAVE A MISSING BOYFRIEND WHO HAS DISAPPEARED AFTER SAYING HE WAS MOVING TO HITLER LAND TO DIVORCE MRS. ROCHESTER WHO LIVES IN THE ATTIC, HAW HAW HAW SO VERY DROLL. Oh yes, Mary, let’s all laugh and laugh at our younger sister for having a missing boyfriend! What a loser, is she not?
Then Tom is all, don’t be a bitch Mary, she is totally going off to have a babby, it is srus.
Mary is cool to Rose about her jazz musician lover, like, babe, I get it, you know me, ol’ loosey goosey! But er be careful and such, and Rose is all like I LOVE HIM WE ARE MARRYING ALSO I HATE ME OL’ MUM AND HOPE SHE CHOKES TO DEATH ON HER KIDNEY BRAIN PUDDING WHEN SHE HEARS, which is maybe not the greatest reason to go off and marry a black man, but diff’rent strokes.
Blake and Napier peace out, and Gillingham’s there, boring. He is calling off the engagement to Mabel, and Mary’s like “you know I did say I’m not marrying you remember, friendsies yeah?”
Mary’s desire of suitors is gone, so presumably we are getting some more Downstairs finally and ah yes, here is Mrs. Patmore to talk some sense. What sense will you be talking today, Mrs. Patmore? (Remember when she sucked? it is true, she used to suck.) Oh, just some words. Maybe she will say something awesome later.
The dowager has Aunt Rosamund and Edith to tea to ask them just how stupid they think she is? They think she is all the stupid. BUT EARTH TO BRINT THEY ARE THE STUPID ONES. Edith folds immediately, like something a servant would fold. Lord Grantham’s trousers I guess. Those will do in a pinch.
Cora cannot even believe it, she has to organize the booths at the bazaar AND go over the house menus with Mrs. Patmore. And you thought Ann Romney had it tough! How will she even live?
Rose is engaged to Jack Ross. Mary’s face turns to a whole new kind of stone. She is actually in shock. Now she is off to London in a hurry to find Jack Ross and calmly explain the fires of hell that will await him and his affianced. That should be
Cora walks around the bazaar with a clipboard of capability, hahahaha right, she must have laid off the opium. FOR NOW.
We are ignoring all instances of Molesley’s weird manipulative passive-aggressive courting of Mrs. Baxter, you are welcome.
Mrs. Patmore gives Daisy the day off to avoid Alfred and Daisy’s like “cool I’m not a psycho bitch anymore, that was super easy.”
Branson is under the redhead’s undercarriage, if you get my drift, and I think you do.
The handsome widower lord, Mary’s godfather, has come to luncheon with the dowager to fall in love with Mrs. Crawley. That’s just weird. Closet case? The dowager can’t believe it either. She has seen it all, the dowager has, with never a hair mussed, but sweet Jesus she has not seen this.
Dowager’s all, yeah Edith go to Swiss, Rosamund’s right. Edith is : (
Mary’s godfather, Lord Merton, forgot Mrs. Crawley was Matthew’s mother, and he is like “oh what does your son do now?” and then she is like OH YOU MEAN MY DEAD SON and he had to tell her he’d forgotten who she was, but, like, after they’d spent a whole lunch together, oh man, that sucks. He makes it less awkward by talking about how he and his late wife should never have married (BECAUSE HE IS GAY).
Mary comes to find Jack Ross at her service as he does a hilarious impression of “what a musician sounds like when he comes up with a super shitty melody because is not actually very good at his job and also he is not even that handsome, whatever Rose.” Lady Mary, sup.
Mary’s all, “I’m not racist, but.” She’s a surprising amount of un-dick about it. “Oh and Rose probably is just using you to get back at her mother.” She even manages to make that sound warm, possibly the friendliest and most genuine we’ve seen her? She’s weird. She is a weird, weird lady.
Jack Ross is all like okay I love her so I will dump her dumb ass, because the world is a hard place. Mary is all like : ! because that is how she always looks.
Mary is going to ask Gillingham to fire Mr. Gillingham, and will NEVER EVER TELL HIM WHY, that should work. Mary scolds a servant for the improper form in announcing dinner. (He said “dinner is on the table milady,” can you even imagine???) There is the Mary we know and know.
Ignoring Molesley and Baxter again. Now she’s dropping that her family wasn’t “respected.” MYSTERIOUS. Cora and the other miladies are actually hefting baskets of linens and such for the bazaar, as if, Julian Fellowes, liar.
Schoolteacher lady is there for the bazaar, and is a snippy bitch about Cora, Lady Grantham. The chip on her shoulder is quite unbecoming, but at least it gives Branson one more opportunity to mansplain about how she shouldn’t prejudge the nobility. Again.
Mary has Gillingham sack Mr. Gillingham, and she is NOT good at keeping a secret. IT IS NOT BECAUSE HE BRUTALLY RAPED MY LADY’S MAID, she says, direct quote. He is all like okay cool marry me. She is all like meh maybe whatever.
That lord sent a bunch of flowers to Mrs. Crawley, and the dowager has moved from shock to glee, she is all up in it, yeehaw.
Oh man, and I was JUST THINKING how nice it was to be Lord Grantham free for an entire episode. Oh. Hi. And Thomas too. That’s great.
Daisy is off at the farm with her father-in-law, who immediately on their lovely picnic asks if she is there to avoid seeing Alfred. That is a weird thing to ask, dude. Then he tells her to carpe diem and go love Alfred even if he doesn’t love her back. Get out all the bitterness, says 1929 hippie farmer zen buddhist guy, which is a type of York farmer that absolutely exists.
Gillingham is there, and all the ladies but Mary have not been apprised of his broken engagement to Mabes. Sniffs the dowager, “the most unconvincing fiance I’ve ever come across.”
Mr. Gillingham (okay, fine, Mr. Green) is dead. Good thing suspicion will never fall on Bates, since Mary handed him over on a silver platter. Guess you better marry him now Mary or Bates will hang in gaol. Again.
Molesley stands up for Mrs. Baxter to Thomas’s threats that she tell him stuff. OK. I’m sure that will end well for everyone.
Daisy gets home in time to see Alfred and he’s like HEY should I have married you instead and she is like nah it’s cool, friends kisses love bye.
Now Blake has come back to angle for Mary and be like MINE MINE CAVEMAN STUFF. What the fuck is everyone’s hard-on for Mary?
Gilingham and Blake are going to drive off together, they should be lovers and move to Greece and ruefully laugh at their youthful folly and the ice queen they can’t believe they thought they loved.
Next week is our final dash round the beloved manse, and Shirley Maclaine will be joining us again to reprise her horribly written “Americans are grotesque vulgarians” from whenever ago. She will be joined by that made guy from the wine movie. Hopefully they’ll be better at bringing fresh blood than
New Sybil Lady Rose has been.
Season Four, Episode Seven, and not a soul on this show has changed (except Mrs. Patmore and the dowager, who used to be b’s). People die, and are born, Lord Grantham keeps almost losing the estate, and the only plotline that seems to matter is something about the pigs.