Downton Abbey Recap: Papa Don't Preach, Edith's Keeping Her Baby
Lord Grantham is to go to America! Bates is very fraught and intense! He cannot join him, because Anna was BRUTALLY RAPED, so who will press his Lordship’s trousers? These are indeed the times that try men’s souls.
Cora’s brother is on trial, probs Teapot Dome, and Lord Grantham does not want to go and lend him respectability. Cora is on the knife’s edge of possibly feeling something resembling concern.
Who is unconcerned? Lady Mary, currently being petitioned by Mrs. Hughes for Bates to not have to go to America. If you’re not going to tell her about the BRUTAL RAPE, she is not going to help you, dudes. “I hope we are good employers,” she intones, with a great and terrible smarm.
And that smarm apparently worked, as she informs his Lordship he should take Thomas as his valet instead. His Lordship is all a-tizzypants as he contemplates having to dress himself without Bates. These poor poor dears. They would starve to death in a greengrocers, if no one were there to peel their fruit.
So then Mary lets drop with “Thomas will love to go with you because he is a gay homosexual who will have gay homosexual sex all over the boat,” which is a bit forward really, Mary, especially with the haughty superiority, ugh you’re the worst, I am glad your husband Matthew died.
Huh, here is a scene that lasts at least two minutes, that is not like Julian Fellowes! Lord Grantham will be going now, and some exposition will see him on his way. You, fellows, do stay on for your agricultural study and also to fall in love with my eldest daughter. Edith, don’t worry, we didn’t forget that Gregson is still missing. Mary, you’re looking quite mysterious. Branson, you have not yet gone on to make your fortune in America, plus you still exist. Baxter, don’t forget to spy on Lady Cora! Dowager, don’t let on that you are very, very ill!
Mary’s Edith’s going up to London for a bortion probs, cuz Mr. Gregson checked into his hotel in Munich, went out for cigarettes, and never came back.
Rose has gotten permission to join Edith in London even though she is not yet out in society. (Fooled me, what with the jazz music nightclubs and all.) She will probs get an abortion too, just for the hell of it.
Mrs. Crawley walks into the dowager’s bedroom just as easy as you please to check on her, not even announced, I do like that about Mrs. Crawley. The dowager of course is dying.
Mary: Anna, would you like to talk to me about your BRUTAL RAPE? I do care about you in my stony robot heart.
Anna: Naw dude I’m cool.
Alfred has gone to visit his dad, and wants to stop off at Downton. Hughes, Carson and Mrs. Patmore have plotted to keep Alfred out of the house, so Daisy doesn’t murder Ivy with her projectile projection. Now he and Carson are going to the pub for a drink. A DRINK OF LIES.
Mrs. Crawley is nursing the dowager through her BRONCHITIS PNEUMONIA DEATH, while back at the Abbey, the pigs have arrived!
In London, Aunt Rosamund is letting Rose scamper off in a hansom cab to go meet Jack Ross, at your service, for a gondola ride, while Edith’s like GOING OFF FOR MY BORTION NOW DON’T WAIT UP.
Napier’s rude friend and Lady Mary have a hot date to walk down and see the pigs after dinner.
Branson has gone to see Lloyd George speak, because he is into politics again, and also needed to meet this nice politically interested lady who offers him a chair now that Evil Edna is gone and is not trying to put her ginny on his peter.
Mary helps save the pigs from dehydration. SHE CARRIES BUCKETS! Mary is ass deep in mud and pig slop, she is being humiliated like that awful Sadie Hawkins Day Or Whatever movie or whatever where Amy Adams goes to Ireland to have some nobody shit all over her. (Even if you’re an Amy Adams completist, Sadie Hawkins Day Or Whatever is definitely one to skip.)
Napier’s friend throws mud on Lady Mary, because that is adorable or something. If we were Lady Mary, we would have him murdered. Instead she scrambles him an egg, because he has tamed her, through the glory of animal husbandry.
Papa don’t preach, Lady Edith is keeping her baby oh oh oh oh.
Alfred shows up and Ivy says “I am happy to see you,” so now he thinks she wants to marry him. Alfred is an idiot.
Lord Gillingham has come to visit, which means Mr. Gillingham his valet is there to stand in the servants hall where he BRUTALLY RAPED Anna.
Hughes corners Mr. Gillingham to tell him not to BRUTALLY RAPE Anna anymore, but she leaves out her usual threat to have him transvaginally ultrasounded, so it’s anyone’s guess whether he’ll listen.
Mrs. Crawley and the dowager are in the dowager’s hell, playing gin, because the dowager is dead now. But the doctor took a moment’s break from coining catchphrases at his “outpatient clinic” to remind her of Kindness, or something, so she shuts her mouth and plays gin. Her hell is far more interesting than the Coven hells, so at any rate there’s that.
The Nellie Melba concert comes up in the servants hall and BRUTAL RAPER Gillingham bitches and carps about the screeching by the legendary diva because in addition to being a BRUTAL RAPER he is a philistine who hates beauty, music and art. He a little bit lets the cat out of the bag that it was he who BRUTALLY RAPED Anna, coming down to the servants hall in the middle of the concert, which means Bates will have proof it was he, Bates will murder him, and Bates will die in a hangman’s noose. Good job, GILLINGHAM.
How long before Bates ends up in gaol a two-time convicted murderer? Because that was such a great plotline the first time around, which everyone loved very much. Bets in the comments.