Downton Abbey Recap: The (House) Party's Over

Trigger fuckin' warning dudes

Trigger fuckin’ warning dudes

Previously in our Downton Abbey recap: Anna had the shit brutally raped out of her, right there in the servants hall. And we begin, and here comes Mr. Gillingham. He certainly has balls, coming down to breakfast as smooth as you please, secure in the evil knowledge Anna would never tell her husband or anyone else that he BRUTALLY RAPED HER right there in the servants hall. And so we begin our first episode since The Unpleasantness.

Mr. Gillingham, Anna Raper

Mr. Gillingham, Anna Raper

Will people notice that Anna has PTSD now? (Yes.) Will Lady Mary marry up with Lord Gillingham, putting his brutal raper valet ever in Anna’s path? (Maybe.) Will Carson say more Things about his once-love, Alice? (Yup.) Will Grantham be a jackass? (Duh.) Will Lady Edith be a Nazi? (Reply hazy, try again.)

And we say our goodbyes. Goodnight Lord Gillingham. Farewell lady what was flirting with Branson. Auf wiedersehen the lot of you who were here for the houseparty, it is time to see what Mrs. Crawley is up to, and what Mrs. Crawley is up to is going back to run the doctor’s outpatient clinic for coining awesome phrases like “outpatient clinic.”


Mary and Grantham are arguing about business and the Future of the Estate. Business business business, argue argue argue.

Branson, having been roofied by Evil Edna, asks her, “did I bang ya last night after you roofied me? If so, my heartfelt apologies, for the ungentlemanly banging, please don’t make me marry you.”

Evil Edna to Branson: “Hey, remember when I roofied you and pretended to bang ya last night? Weeeeell, what if I’m pregnant what then huh what then word word word all the words. If you were good enough for Lady Sybil Crawley then I’m good enough for you.” Branson is all “keep her name out your mouth.” So now she will fuck Thomas a whole bunch of times till she gets pregnant to make Branson marry her, ugh. Welp, guess we’ll be dealing with THIS for the rest of the season.

Lady Mary inquires after Anna, who cannot even say anything beyond “very good my lady.” Lady Mary is Concerned.

Lady Mary's Concerned Face.

Lady Mary’s Concerned Face.

Lord Grantham is Concerned. Bates is Concerned. Mrs. Hughes is Concerned. Even Cora might vaguely notice and be Concerned, once Evil Edna quits and Anna does double duty as lady’s maid to both Mary and her ladyship. As we all know, Cora’s lady’s maids are extensions of herself and therefore perfect even though she keeps hiring lady’s maids like O’Brien and Edna.

Ivy has made the tea and Jimmy kisses her after explaining his awesome career plan of being a gigolo and Alfred and Daisy walk in and are all twisted knickers. As they are. Daisy pretty much calls her a whore.

Now we must suffer through a (nice enough, if this is what we’ll be spending our season on) scene about Alice, the girl Carson Loved, before Anna comes in to explain quite succinctly and thoroughly everything a post-traumatic rape survivor might be feeling in re: guilt, shame, taintedness, aversion, and boiling fear, and she’ll be leaving Bates now. “Better a broken heart than a broken neck,” she tells Mrs. Hughes. It would be nice if there had been mental health care back then. Perhaps the doctor could invent some, at his “outpatient clinic.”

Ivy is in the boot room with Jimmy, kissing him like a common whore, if whores comported themselves sort of like Holly Hobby. Alfred goes to tell her about the exciting new opportunity for a training in honor of Escoffier at the Ritz — because she made ONE TEA, and old pro Daisy gets jealous so she tells Alfred just where to find her, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, like a common seventh grade prost.

Aunt Rosamund has invited Gillingham and Bullock for an intimate dinner with Branson, Mary and Rose. Then they are all going to go see some shocking FLAPPERS DOING JAZZ. Shit gonna get real yo, with NEGROES and probably REEFER JANE.

Downton Abbey Recap: The (House) Party's Over

Apparently Rose is in this episode.

The doctor has tricked Mrs. Crawley into falling back in love with the world again (following the hilarious death of her son) by titillating her sense of do-gooder-busy-bodying. What a clever trickster! Too bad he wasn’t more clever about not killing Lady Sybil.

Some Mary and Gillingham stuff, guess we get to care about this for a while. And then some “Alfred applying for the Ritz internship.” Daisy has with one moment of nastiness — telling Alfred where to see Ivy and Jimmy going at it like weasels, if weasels kissed chastely while holding hands — ruined her entire life by sending Alfred away from Downton in a miasma of heartache.

patmoreMrs. Patmore with the Mrs. Patmore Killing It Moment of the Week:

Maybe it’s good if he goes. Sometimes you can spend too long on a one-sided love.

Rose’s date at the nightclub is drunk and spectacley and booting all over the place. The negro singer jumps down to save Rose from standing alone on the floor. Jack Ross, at her service! Branson is sent to fetch her from the arms of the black man who “rescued her from deep humiliation.” Branson is so polite about it. He doesn’t burn a cross or anything!

Not Branson.

Not Branson.


Mary is concerned for Branson now, since he’s been glumping around for positively hours. This is two people in one show she’s been concerned for. It’s a record y’all. You guys, I’m worried about Lady Mary.


Bates is all yo Anna, wanna tell me what is even up and Anna is all nothing to see here move along move along oh what Lord Gillingham is here EVERYTHING IS STILL FINE I WAS NOT BRUTALLY RAPED BY HIS VALET WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ON ABOUT and now Branson is telling Mrs. Hughes everything about Evil Edna and how he’s totally definitely gonna be a daddy because Evil Edna will steal a baby at the drop of a hat if she has to not that he knows that but we do, because she is Evil Edna.

So a few scenes ago, not that I cared, Mary explained to Gillingham that it would be many years before she would be ready to be involved again. Now the next time they see each other, Gillingham has traveled to Downton on the same train as her, so like the very next day probably, to ask her to marry him. WAY TO NOT LISTEN TO THE LITTLE LADY AND HER SILLY PINIONS ‘LORD’ GILLINGHAM.

Hush hush sweet Mary. A man is talking.

Hush hush sweet Mary. A man is talking.


Gillingham’s sure Matthew Crawley, RIP, was a very fine fellow, but he is dead and Gillingham is alive and they’re so good together and so what if they only met again a few days ago (so, to my sadness, it appears my blithe why-not that he was the dude what brought the foreign dead guy Lady Mary sexed to death with her little vagina of horrors is incorrect) and I am going to go with “fortune hunter, come the fuck on dudes.” I guess we are meant to believe it is a disinterested courtship, in the Austenian sense of “disinterested,” which confused the fuck out of me when I was 12, and not a fortune hunt, because he is willing to wait three years for her or however long he is in it for the loooong haul, after knowing her again a few days, and so on. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME SHOW.

Branson and Mrs. Hughes lure Evil Edna into Hughes’s office, where Hughes Nancy Graces her with some unassailable logic: if there were a baby, why do you have this whore book of birth control instructions, like Margaret Sanger up in here, HENGHHHH? Oh but Hughes gets even better, when she offers to have a doctor examine Edna, against her will, she will hold Edna down and tear the clothes from her body, hell, she’s probably got a transvaginal ultrasound. Mrs. Hughes, you are being Not A Ally.

So long then, I'll just be off.

So long then, I’ll just be off.

So. Mrs. Hughes has Saved the Day, by threatening to rape Evil Edna. That’s nice.

Some fun with Edna and Thomas, as the two, despite having been throwing themselves at each other as prospective allies in evil, trade some bitchy truths. He’s a smug prick. She’s a manipulative witch who can’t even scheme good. Nyah nyah nyah.


Aw, the Dowager admires Mrs. Crawley’s virtue in saying to Gillingham she hopes they see him soon. She’s become such a sprite and force for good, the Dowager. Tonight is the first time it hasn’t pissed me off.

Gregson and Edith are gonna bone at his place, so he can go be a Nazi in their honor. Good for you, Edith. Go be a Nazi. Have fun!

"Why don't we do it in the road?

“Why don’t we do it in the road?

Bates and Grantham heart to heart it, love will conquer all.

Gillingham has a funny definition of honor. IF Mary won’t have him, THEN he’s honorbound to Mabel. I am thinking Mabel would not feel so “honored” by it. Also, Lord Gillingham’s definitions of “waiting” and “three years” are not definitions with which we are familiar.

Now Gillingham’s whining for a kiss, because he’ll never love anyone else as much. Gillingham can suck my ass, whiny fucking punk.

Edith is getting chewed out by Aunt Rosamund, with whom she is staying in London except for how she keeps forgetting to actually stay there, with all the boning perpetrated upon her by Mr. Gregson. She is all what who me? Aunt Rosamund, for the total punch to the junk, reminds Edith she was literally left at the altar by Sir Anthony, the only other man who ever wanted to marry her.

edith anthony

Oooooh. That smarts.


TV Show: Downton Abbey

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