If You Don’t Like Baby Photos, You Are An Actual Human-Shaped Monster

If You Don't Like Baby Photos, You Are An Actual Human-Shaped Monster

I’m not sure I want to have kids. I look at parenthood like I look at skydiving: I admire those who do it, but I’m not sure it’s for me. That said, I love other people’s baby photos! And if you don’t, you are a multi-tentacled slime monster from the pit of Schmogendor, the Land of Fire.


Okay! I recognize that some people post too many baby photos. Everyone has his or her own idea of what “too many” means. I am guilty of posting too many puppy photos, like this one I am posting right here of Morley Safer (she is a girl but she looks like Morley Safer) BASKING PEACEFULLY IN THE SUNSHINE OH MY GOD I LOVE HER:


But baby photos are great! Now listen, I don’t think anyone deserves a medal for letting some guy throw it up inside her, or that any guy deserves a medal for throwing it up inside a lady, or for engaging in fertility treatments. People who adopt DO deserve medals, as do people who foster kids (I am talking about good people here who do a good job with both of these amazing tasks, not weirdoes). But anyway, my interest in baby photos is not about the adults posting them. My interest is in the babies.

Good Lord, are babies fun to look at! They have chubby cheeks and silly eyes and they make noises and they are goofy as all hell. Babies don’t give a fuuuuuuck because they don’t know they are supposed to give a fuck (yet). Babies are hilarious and wonderful and I understand that they make life a living hell sometimes, but that’s not my problem because as we have already addressed, I ain’t got no babies! I am therefore free to enjoy looking at babies and shrieking over how cute their widdle faces are.

I will “like” any baby photo you put on Facebook or Instagram. I seriously will. I don’t give a fuck; I’m wild.

And as for mothers in particular who post lots of baby photos, well gosh, if they make you mad, I mean, do you know how hard it is to have a kid? I mean actually have one, like have it in your house. It’s beyond a full-time job. Kids always need things, and they will die SUPER quick if you don’t give them the things they need, like food and medicine and water and other important things I don’t know about because, again, I ain’t got no babbbbbies. But they are precious and amazing to gaze at, with their lovely eyelashes and their lovely lips and their cute little feetses, squee! Aww, babies! They should be documented.

Baby photos don’t make me WANT babies. They don’t make me covetous. They make me APPRECIATE babies and the hard work and sacrifice that goes into having them, especially for people who can’t afford round-the-clock nannies. I say this knowing full well that it’s hard as hell even WITH round-the-clock nannies!

Do you know how hard it is to make a baby? I don’t mean the fuckening. I mean the ripening, the growing within the wom-buh. Did you know that making a baby inside you means that you have to pee more? Do you know that sometimes when you have the baby the lady’s body RIPS APART between the vaginal opening and the anal opening? DID YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND EXPECTED? DID YOU?!?!


And if you don’t have the baby out your vagina, you can have it out your tummy, which means that a doctor cuts you open and then TAKES OUT YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS and then takes out a baby and then PUTS THE INTERNAL ORGANS BACK IN and sews you up. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve earned your right to take a few cute photos of the creature that made your body into a TEMPORARY ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG?!

Okay, I know some parents can be awful. I know that. I know that. I know that. I know they can be braggy and sanctimonious and — this is the worst part — very judgmental about OTHER parents. That seems so unfair to me when everyone is just trying his or her best to do the best, right? I’ve heard it called “mompetition” but I bet there is “dadpetition” too.

And fellow child-free people, I know some people treat us like we are less-than just because we don’t have kids. I feel bad for those people, because what their judgment tells me is that they have nothing interesting in their lives besides kids. But that isn’t the fault of the kids! So I don’t hate their kids simply because Mom and Dad or Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad or Genderqueer Individual and Genderqueer Individual might think I’m lame for not having kids.

Anyway, parents can be awful but babies are always awesome. So when we say “Ugh, I HATE looking at baby photos” what we are really saying is “Ugh, I HATE when parents are annoying and snobby.” And this is why sites like STFU, Parents exist. It is a funny site that has nothing to do with hating babies and everything to do with hating people who act like babies are trophies or fancy accessories.

Babies are not trophies or fancy accessories. Babies are Hard Work and they are Hella Cute and should be photographed often, doing adorable things.

In short: more baby photos! More baby photos everywhere! More baby photos all of the time, until the end of time!

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