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Donny Osmond And John Malkovich Are The Best At Having Birthdays Today

Today is a double rainbow double birthday kind of day, everybody, and it is as exciting as you might imagine. Yes, we’ve got both Donny Osmond and John Malkovich on the birthday list, with Donny clocking in at 56 and John Malkovich hitting 60. Is anyone else sort of oddly surprised that Malkovich is older than Donny Osmond or is that just us? It’s likely because we’ve had Donny Osmond to kick around for SO LONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P434_zT4b7Y

Wow. So 1974. Such purple.

Malkovich didn’t really burst on the scene until he won an Emmy in 1984 for playing Biff in that Dustin Hoffman version of Death of a Salesman. We kinda forgot about that because all we remembered was that people were SO MAD about Dustin Hoffman playing Willy Loman that we lost track of anyone else who might be in it. Anyway. Yay John Malkovich for winning that thing, but let’s face it. People didn’t really pay attention to him until Dangerous Liaisons, where he played the deliciously amoral Vicomte de Valmont and got to wear how much awesome period clothing? ALL the awesome period clothing!

On this big birthday day, we’re pleased to announce some very exciting news. SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING AND BREAKING AND EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT HAPPY: Donny and Johnny have finally teamed up for a movie, just like you always hoped they would.

Donny Osmond And John Malkovich Are The Best At Having Birthdays Today

Yes, next year the dynamic duo will co-star in the romantic dramedy One Bad Apple. Both of them want the girl, but only one can have her! Laugh as they both try to impress her by awkwardly dress up in outfits from the peak of their stardom. Thrill as they race cross country, squabbling incessantly while dodging a Mexican drug cartel that has mistaken them both for Columbian kingpins. Cry real tears when they hold the dead body of their mutual beloved, gunned down by the Mexican police. Haha that last part is not true because this film is from ‘Merica and stars Donny Osmond so it is never going to be that dark. We’ll just keep the ending secret for now. You’ll have to wait until Valentine’s Day 2014 to see this cinematic masterpiece, but you can tide yourself over by checking out the movie’s theme song.

Man, February cannot come soon enough. Happy birthday Donny and Johnny! May your road trip buddy adventure spawn a thousand sequels.

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  • I’m assuming you’re just stone cold making shit up, cuz END TIMES if this were actually going to be a thing. However – while w00t for the deliciousness that is Dangerous Liaisons John Malkovich….SORRY NOT SORRY cuz old craggy cray-cray Red/Red2 John Malkovich wins ALL THE THINGS FOREVER AND EVER. The end.http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/bg/John+Malkovich+Stars+Film+Red+2+Paris+Xq9Arnk6H5px.jpg

    • beautifulmutant

      What she said x1000!

  • Farb

    Hooray John! Donnie, not so much. Little. Almost nothing.

  • jodyleek

    Today is my birthday! It’s my birthday, too, yeah! Today is my birthday! Happy birthday to me!

  • Pat_Pending

    Being Donny Osmond…