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Donald Sterling Knows Best Way To Get Into Ladies’ Pants Is To Be Real Racist

Donald Sterling Knows Best Way To Get Into Ladies' Pants Is To Be Real Racist

Every red-blooded American man knows the best way to sex ladies is to whisper sweet racisms in their ear. Every red-blooded American man who is Donald Sterling, that is.

“I’m trying to have sex with her. I’m trying to play with her,” he says. “You know, if you’re trying to have sex with a girl and you’re talking to her privately, you don’t think anybody’s there. You may say anything in the world, what difference does it make?”

And that is the reason — the only reason — why he seduced his not-mistress V. Stiviano with super-sexy pillow talk about how it bothered him that she was “associating with black people” (oh, baby!), and he purred to her that she didn’t have to post pictures of herself “walking with black people” (ooh, so hot!) He is not racist, he is just the world’s greatest seducer, and damn, we already need a cigarette.

The one thing you need to understand about Donald Sterling is that he is NOT RACIST. Heck, he was trying to sleep with a black woman, which proves he is not racist, does it not? Would a racist man try to have sex with a black woman? Of course not. That has never happened in the history of history. So obviously Sterling is not racist.

The other one thing you need to know about that unfortunate recording of Sterling, who is not racist, being a total racist is that he was simply expressing the very natural human emotion of jealousy.

“I’m jealous that she’s with other black guys. I want her. So what the hell. Can I in private tell her, ‘I don’t want you to be with anybody?’ Am I a person?”

Leaving aside the question of whether Sterling is, in fact, a person, let’s take his jealousy at face value and ignore this other thing he said.

“You can sleep with [black people]. You can bring them in, you can do whatever you want. The little I ask you is not to promote it on that … and not to bring them to my games.”

So in telling her it was A-okay to sleep with black people and “bring them in” (to her vagina, we guess?) — and earning himself some temporary points for at least being kind of open-minded, sexually speaking — he was actually reverse psychologizing her because he did not want her to be with anybody. At least not with any blackbody, because he is jealous when she is with “other black guys.” (Yeah, “other” black guys. We don’t know if this means it is okay if she sleeps with some black guys but not Magic Johnson or if Sterling thinks he’s black or what. We do not want to know.)

And because it is now obligatory, pursuant to a little-known codicil of the Bigot’s Defense of Bigotry Handbook, to insist that criticism of said bigotry is a First Amendment issue — and, for the expert bigot, a little nudge-nudge about criticizing bigotry is how Hitler got his start never hurts — of course Sterling went there because of course.

“Do I have freedom of speech?” he asked, to which we can only roll our eyes and vomit in our mouths. Once more, for the idiots in the cheap seats, we will use little itty bitty words to say that YES, you have the right to say any sexist and/or racist and/or homophobic and/or generally awful thing you want to say. The First Amendment protects you from the government locking you up in Gitmo when you say it. The First Amendment does not protect you from being criticized by your fellow citizens of these United States for what you say. Nor does it protect your “right” that is not a right to be on the tee vee. Nor does it protect you from the fierce wrath of the free market, which is supposed to be allowed to do whatever it wants, just like it says in the Bible and the Constitution, including penalizing you for any damn reason it wants in whatever way it wants, because free market, baby!

The final one thing you need to know about Sterling, until some other god-freakin’-awful recording is released, is that even though he was quite innocently using his free speech to get into a black (see? not racist!) lady’s panties with some sexy racism talk, as A Person does, “Then if the girl tapes it and releases it, my God, it’s awful.” Yeah, that’s the awful part.

Now excuse us, please, because we are soooooooooo turned on, we need to go have some quiet time with a Silkwood shower nozzle.


Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. She likes sushi, long walks on the beach, and racist pillow talk. Except for the last part.

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