Doctor Teeth Will Clone John Lennon, Usher In New Golden Era Of Pop Music
We aren’t surprised there’s a celebrity version of saintly relics where people buy bits of dead celebrities and venerate them, but we didn’t think people believe that owning a piece of dead star would allow you to resurrect them, because we had not yet met the dentist who bought John Lennon’s tooth to clone him.
Let’s get out of the way how impossibly ghoulish it is that Lennon’s one-time housekeeper sold his tooth — HIS TOOTH, PEOPLE — at auction, and meet Canadian dentist Michael Zuk, who is pretty sure that he’s going to be able, someday, to make a whole new John Lennon from Lennon’s wisdom tooth.
Zuk […] bought the molar for nearly $33,000 at an auction two years ago and now hopes to extract enough genetic data from it to recreate the musician. ‘If there is enough DNA to sequence it, it could be basically genetic real estate.’
Not only that, says Zuk, once he makes Zombie Tooth John Lennon, he’d totally be the heir to the Lennon estate, because that’s just how it works, duh. Also, too, Dr. Teeth is solid on the fact that John Lennon would be exactly the same, except he wouldn’t have vices.
Asked how he could ensure the new Lennon ended up a rockstar, and not a dentist like his own son, Dr Zuk replied: ‘He would still be his exact duplicate but you know, hopefully keep him away from drugs and cigarettes, that kind of thing.
‘But you know, guitar lessons wouldn’t hurt anyone right?’
We’re actually not sure what type of cloning technology this nitwit envisions for Lennon 2.0. Would he be grown from a vat and go through childhood and develop into Clone Lennon, or would he spring fully formed, a la Athena, from the lab, ready to sing “Tomorrow Never Knows”? Do you make multiple John Lennons so that the world might never be without one? How will Yoko feel about all this? Will Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon be the kids of the New John Lennon, or does the law not work that way? Will CloneJohn be able to reproduce, or will he be more like a mule? What if Clone Lennon goes rogue and decides to just make 37-hour found noise compositions instead? Will there be a plan to put Undead Lennon down in that case? SO MANY ETHICAL DILEMMAS.
Fortunately, we’ll never have to worry about these things because this is never going to happen, you nonsense dentist person.