Apr 3, 2018
Disgraced Televangelist Jim Bakker Still Alive, Still Disgraceful
To those of us olds who remember the 1980s, Jim Bakker will always have a special place in our hearts for acting out the exact type of televangelical scandal we all suspected was the underside of godbiz.
Jim and his then-wife Tammy Faye (later to become a famous gay icon and participant in season 2 of the Surreal Life) had themselves a great little
racket TV show, The PTL Club. It was your basic pay-to-pray scheme, but on a scale that afforded the Bakkers the kind of fab lifestyle of the rich and famous that would have made Alexis Carrington blush. It all came crashing down after Jim got rapey with 21-year-old church secretary, Jessica Hahn, and used donations to pay her off.
When the scandal broke, the feds started looking at the books, leading to Jim’s conviction on 24 counts of fraud and conspiracy, and a 45-year jail sentence imposed by a mean ol’ judge who found something especially egregious in parting marks from their meager moolah by promising them corner lots on cul-de-sacs in heaven.
So what’s been Jim been up to lately? It turns out Jim got sprung a whole lot earlier than 45 years, and somehow he found his way back to his natural habitat and the last refuge of scoundrels, a.k.a. a TV talk show.
Back in the slammer, Jim actually took the time to read the Bible straight through, and his message has gotten much darker. Now he’s less about “give me money and God will make you rich” and more about “give me money to spread the word about the coming apocalypse – but hurry because any day now the jackbooted thugs of gubmint will be taking away our freedoms and putting us in FEMA camps.”
Last week, Jim preached an explanation for the California drought so simple even an atheist could understand it. Does it have to do with global warming? Of course not! We all know that’s a liberal plot and only God controls the central air-conditioning on planet Earth. The drought is the will of Our Lord. And what have we done to incite His righteous wrath? Was it gay marriage? The gazillions of aborted feti crying out to Jeebus for vengeance? Partly, but that’s not the only thing.
The real reason the Big Guy is getting ready to “vomit” the populous out of the land is because of, you guessed it, the Antichrist in the White House. What has the uppity usurper done this time? Nothing less than break the sacred covenant we’ve had with Israel since 1948 – a very biblical year. That’s right, by disrespecting our true leader, Benjamin Netanyahu, and signing the deal with Iran, Obama has made God so mad he’s taken away the water. Retroactively.
Obama! That’s why we can’t have nice things.
The doubters amongst you should head over to Raw Story, the folks who initially reported this. They’ve got a clip of Jim and his preacher pal, biblical expert John Kilpatrick, discussing the evidence for Obama’s guilt, and they nail him, just like the way Bakker totally nailed Jessica Hahn, except with even less dubious consent.
“What God said is that blood itself had a life,” Kilpatrick told Bakker. “So whenever a doctor aborts a baby and that blood is being flushed down the commode, God hears the voice of that baby going down that commode, saying, ‘Help! Forgive, Lord! Forgive them! Forgive my mother!’”
And if you want to learn more about who Bakker used to be before he turned into an evangelical version of Glenn Beck, you might check out Fall From Grace, the 1990 television movie about Jim and Tammy Faye, starring no less than Kevin Spacey and Bernadette Peters.