Detroit Offers Free Houses To Writers; Wonkette Moving HQ to Detroit

Detroit Offers Free Houses To Writers; Wonkette Moving HQ to DetroitIn an effort to help revitalize the city, a Detroit nonprofit is offering free houses to writers who come to live and work there for a minimum of two years. Your Wonkette definitely wants to get in on a deal like this, so the entire writing staff is preparing to pick up and move. As a bunch of liberal 47-percenters, we really do feel entitled to free stuff, so we figure we’ll just show up and say, OK, here we are, let’s get to revitalizing. Might make for a half-decent reality show, too. Editrix will get her own place, Lisa and Kaili can have another, Gary and Alex can split a swinging bachelor house, and DDM and Yr. Dok Zoom can take the Curmudgeon Quarters. And then we’ll all zip up and down the street on our 7-rider conference trike. This is going to be awesome.

So how is this little Save Detroit via The Arts party going to work, anyway?

A new nonprofit organization called Write-A-House … has found something creative to do with the city’s seemingly endless blocks of vacant homes—gut them from the inside-out, fix them up, and give them to writers.

Write-a-House has purchased three homes in the Hamtramck neighborhood, and is fixing them up with the help of a nonprofit that trains area youth in building and contracting trades. Hmm. Just the three? OK, we can do some rearranging. And a different nonprofit is also moving artists into the same neighborhood, but we can promise to try to get along, just as long as they understand that at the coffee shop, we get first dibs on the tables nearest the power outlets. Can’t run a blog without laptops.

Apparently there is some sort of “application” process that involves sending a “writing sample,” which shouldn’t be a problem as long as the judges don’t have a problem with dick jokes and tales of exploding foamy pigshit. Can’t think of a single reason why we wouldn’t have that sewn up. (If there’s a tie breaker, we’ll undoubtedly win with our trivia skillz — we know, for instance, what the “Pride of Hamtramck” was in Richard Hooker’s novel M*A*S*H.) We are really stoked about this — we’ve always thought that a residency should include an actual residence:

The process would guarantee housing for at least two years, with writers leasing the homes from the non-profit directly. If the writers stay for a minimum of two years, they are awarded the deed to the home, and the city will have received a new resident, another step towards recovery.

The best part will come after we get the deed to the houses, and then connect them with a series of tunnels and hamster tubes. Then the WonkoPlex will finally be a reality. Do the houses have sheds? Because there are definitely some projects we’d work on if we just had a shed. And if we get tired of the whole thing, we’ll just abandon the houses — it’s only Detroit, after all.


Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He’ll do his best not to harm your property values.

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  • Farb

    Dok, check the stats on rust belt/Great Lakes life expectancy and terminal disease propagation. Not good. Even the greatest of snark writers cannot ward off the bad chemistry of bad chemistry.

    • hippie1367

      So we are downriver from Dow Chem, what could go wrong – those Cancer clusters are nothing but coincidental noise.

  • PubOption

    Will the Wonko-Plex be offering abortion services?

    • DrShitferbrains

      Artisanal abortion services

  • x111e7thst

    Does that neighborhood have bars – afterhours clubs?

    • finnbar2

      its almost impossible to stumble out of a bar in Hamtramck without stumbling into another bar.

  • Señor Skwerl

    Hmmm. Considering I’ve been kicked out of every bar in this city…

  • Tracy

    I’d be happy to live in Trix’s happy-time basement dungeon o’ love.

  • Amalie

    Is it Hammtramack neighborhood or the municipality that borders Detroit on every side?

    • hippie1367

      Stand alone town surrounded by the D

  • Paul J

    Ok, it says “writers” can get this manna, but it doesn’t say they have to be good writers, so can I come too?

  • ImpureScience

    What about bass players?

  • Melinda Piette

    Soooo, I guess all those losers who write bad, faux porn fanfic can avail themselves, too?

    • No, they’re the ones actually making money and may not be in need of this.

  • tomamitai

    I would never live in a city that wanted me, never mind one with too few vowels.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Pat_Pending

    Just think what you could accomplish with TWO sheds! Can I be the first to call you Arthur ‘Two Sheds’ Jackson???

    • hippie1367

      That’s Mister Two Sheds to you.

  • Good news for Peggy Noonan!

  • winfran

    OMG! I am writer! I have lived in the Detroit suburbs and Detroit does not scare me. I am so there.

  • MrCanoehead

    “Might make for a half-decent reality show, too.”Oh, this!