Degrassi Junior High “What a Night!” (part 3 of 5)

The phone rings, and Loosey races back inside. It’s Mom, sharing the unsurprising news that she’s still “tied up downtown. That meeting, you know.” I wonder what they’re talking about at that meeting. Is this possibly a meeting of Degrassi parents, talking about how fed up they are with their clingy, spoiled children? Mom says more business-type important-sounding stuff like, “You know what these deals are like!” Yes, I think we all know what these generic, unspecified deals are like.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Mmmm… day-old sushi…”

Mom has no idea when she’ll be home, so lonely Loosey will have to make her own dinner. Mom tells her there’s “sushi in the fridge”. Loosey opens up the fridge, and sure enough, there’s a plate of sushi right there. I wonder how many classes it took to learn how to make that.

Caption contributed by Albert

There’s a tear in my nigiri, ’cause I’m crying for you, dear…

As she pulls out the plate, a single tear rolls down Loosey’s face. Well, the makeup guys couldn’t really do “rolling”, I guess, because the tear is just sort of stuck there. Regardless, Loosey wipes it away and the scene ends.

The next day at school, Raditch is administering the spelling exam. He walks down the aisles, reading off words, along with example sentences, all delivered in his usual harsh authoritarian style. The first word is “receive” and Raditch’s example is, “I hope to receive twenty perfect papers.” If not, you will all be marched into twenty separate gas chambers.

The next word is “paralysis”. And his example is, “George was confined to a wheelchair due to his paralysis.” Wow, it’s a good thing Wheelchair Girl #1 is not in his class, otherwise this would be a mighty awkward exam question. But then again, who knows? Maybe Wheelchair Girl would hear the question and say to herself, “Aced it!”

Next up: “Corroborate.” Hey! It’s the only word Loosey and Voula actually studied last night! Sure enough, Loosey flashes a smile over at Voula, because knowing that one word has made all the difference. But let’s not miss out on Raditch’s example sentence: “The officer needed the witness to corroborate his evidence.” Is the foreshadowing obvious enough for you?

The next word is “hierarchy”, which Raditch pronounces as “higher-archy”, but unfortunately, the example sentence isn’t particularly funny or ironic. More hot test-taking action follows, and then the bell rings, and everyone files out.

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Out in the hallway, Stephanie is telling Heather not to be a chicken about going down to the book signing to meet Damon King. Evidently, they’re going to the bookstore on their lunch hour, and Stephanie has made sure she’s good and slutted up for Damon King.

Cut to the bookstore, which has posters of Damon King all around, and every poster I see has been expertly put together using lots of glue and magic marker. It turns out the title of Damon King’s memoir is King of Hearts: Confessions of a Soap Star. Although, a more fitting title would be King of Sixteen Year Old Tang, as you’ll see in a moment.

Caption contributed by Albert

Or, Confessions of a Guy Who Didn’t Get Enough Sleep before the Photo Shoot.

The girls walk in and see Damon King himself, in the flesh, signing books. Naturally, every woman who walks up not only gets an autograph, but also a kiss on the hand and/or cheek. And it seems the overweight women get the kiss on the hand, whereas the hot girls get a kiss on the cheek, but I only have two examples to base that on, so don’t quote me on that.

The Twins point out Stephanie doesn’t have a book for him to sign. Steph says she’ll just get him to sign the newspaper clipping about his appearance here at the bookstore. All I know is, if this were a Borders, she would have already been bounced out on her ass. They don’t care if you’re a blood relative of the author. No book, no autograph.

Caption contributed by Albert

Wow, the bookstore really went all out. Elmer’s Glue and glitter?

Steph sees another girl get a kiss on the cheek and looks at the Twins excitedly. She then steps up to Damon King, saying she didn’t buy a book because she “left [her] money at home”. But Damon King couldn’t care less. He’s already looking Steph up and down, and up and down again.

Meanwhile, there’s a shot of the Twins in line, where the woman standing behind them is wearing an eye patch. I can’t think of anything funny to say about that, but do I really need to?

Damon asks Steph how old she is, and she blatantly lies that she’s 16. So Damon King smarms, “Sweet sixteen.” Although, I should point out that 16 is the legal age of consent in Canada, so it’s not quite as sleazy at it sounds. Still, it’s pretty damn creepy. And somehow, Steph doesn’t pick up on his slimy vibes. As he signs the newspaper clipping, Damon says, “one autograph, one kiss. That’s my policy.”

Caption contributed by Albert

“I love your perfume. What’s it called? Clearasil, you say?”

He kisses her on the cheek, and Steph’s world has been rocked. She runs girlishly back to the Twins and says, “I’ll never wash my cheek again!” So that’s sure to become a huge rash within a few days. She’s going crazy over being this close to Damon King, when suddenly, one of the Twins notices that Damon didn’t just autograph the article—he also wrote down his phone number.

Steph is in shock. She looks back at Damon King, who takes time out from kissing some other woman’s hand (is she fat or not? I can’t tell) to look over at Steph, wiggle his eyebrows, and wink at her. Heather looks sickened. Erica goes, “Alright!” Have I ever mentioned the subtle contrast in the Twins’ personalities?

Okay, so Stephanie Kaye just got the number of what I have to assume is a nationally famous soap opera star. Which kind of clashes with the realistic, down to earth tone of the series. The show is usually concerned with dramatizing everyday problems, and teaching really obvious morals, but who’s going to benefit from this episode’s moral, other than room service employees stupid enough to go up to NBA players’ hotel rooms?

And to think, Steph has been obsessed all this time with some boy at her school, when she could have been banging a celebrity. If anything, I hope this finally puts the “Wheels is fist-pumpingly sexy” routine to rest once and for all.

Caption contributed by Albert

Just out of curiosity, what are the warning signs of a potential school shooter?

Back from lunch, Mr. Raditch is handing back the spelling exams, which he has already graded. He hands back Erica’s exam, which is “very good”, and then he hands Heather’s paper back and says, “Not up to your usual standards.” And I swear, Heather looks at him like perhaps she’s secretly a firestarter, and is just thisfar from making his head explode into flames. Seriously, what is she so pissed off about? Either you spelled the words right, or you didn’t. It’s not like this is some sort of subjective grade and Raditch is just being an asshole, like he was to Yick.

Next up to get his paper: Joey Jeremiah, dressed in another stylin’ Hawaiian shirt. Raditch hands him his paper and says, “I didn’t realize you knew Swahili!” Good ol’ Raditch, always too clever for his own good, and going way over the kids’ heads yet again. Joey is predictably confused, and everyone laughs, most likely because they laugh at everything Raditch says, lest they end up berated and/or publicly humiliated in front of the whole class.

And then, the moment of truth: Loosey steps up to get her paper, and Raditch smiles proudly and tells her it was a “real improvement”. See what hanging with Voula can do for a girl? And when you get right down to it, they didn’t even really study. Loosey just picked up Voula’s nerdiness through osmosis or something.

Cut to the end of class, where Mr. Raditch is quickly making a beeline to the door, and constantly looking at his watch, and telling the kids random stuff about spelling, which he obviously doesn’t give a shit about. Clearly, Raditch has a hot date after class. Or maybe he doesn’t want to miss out on the Damon King book signing. You never know with these Degrassi teachers. He tells the kids to “have a nice weekend,” and by the time he says “class dismissed”, he’s already halfway down the hall.

Caption contributed by Albert

“And if I see any of you at happy hour, margaritas are on me! Raditch out!”

As they come out of class, Heather is warning Steph that actually calling Damon King might not be such a good idea. Steph replies, “Of course it’s a good idea!” And Stephanie knows all about good ideas, doesn’t she?

Meanwhile, Loosey is thanking Voula for all her help. She’s so grateful to Voula that she wants to get Voula some new clothes. Voula says, “But I don’t have any money!” Come on, Voula, five finger discount! Get with the program. Loosey won’t hear of it, and says they’ll meet up after her dance class, and then head over to the department store together. This is sure to end well.

Multi-Part Article: Degrassi Junior High "What a Night!"

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