Mar 21, 2018
Degrassi Junior High “Eggbert” (part 4 of 5)
Cut to Arthur at his locker, reading a comic book, which appears to be some really shitty obscure DC character like OMAC or something, but I can’t read the title. Yick comes along and squirts him in the face. With a water gun, of course, and then another big water gun fight breaks out between them.
Scooter comes along and stares at them. And then Arthur and Yick do a total Vincent and Jules move where they look at each other, then immediately start firing in unison at Scooter.
Scooter runs off, and Arth-Yick are all like “Kids!” “You said it!” And I know you think this is all going somewhere really important, but I’m sorry to say, this particular C plot has already peaked.
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Over in Raditch’s classroom, we are again witnessing the sheer chaos that ensues in this room whenever Raditch is not around. One kid (soon to be known as “BLT”) gets hold of Eggbert, and tosses him over to Tim the Terrific, and all the while everyone is making more clucking noises. They play keepaway for a while, but Shane gets the egg back just as the ol’ ball and chain herself enters. Whew, that was close.
And then Loosey runs in, perches herself on Raditch’s desk, and announces she’s having another party at her house tonight. Whoo-hoo! Another Loosey party! Where chicks get pregnant and people smoke crack, like your momma! Everyone is thrilled, and Joey, Snake, and Wheels totally fuck up high-fiving each other. It’s this kind of incredible physical coordination that makes them such gifted musicians.
Steph can’t believe Loosey’s parents don’t mind, but Loosey says they don’t know, because they’re out of town. So you can tell Loosey’s parents learned a great deal from the shoplifting incident about not leaving Loosey alone to her own devices. I guess they’re just as loose as she’s always been saying.
But everyone loves Loosey’s parties! Alexa, looking completely and utterly wrong in one of Stephanie’s slutty outfits, eagerly says she’ll be wearing “all my new clothes” to the party. Oddly, even Spike looks excited about the party, even though you’d think it would bring back awful memories of losing her virginity to Shane on Loosey’s parents’ bed and you know, getting pregnant and all. But she can’t resist! Hot damn, who can? It’s a Loosey Party! There’s lots more “Partay, yeah!” improvised chatter, and to close out the scene, Spike gives Shane a smug smile.
And with that, we cut to—what else?—class ending, and Raditch again being a dick just as the bell rings. The kids file out of class, improvising such bon mots as “Loosey’s parties are cool, man!” and “Loosey’s parties are the best!” Loosey’s parties are the bees’ knees, old chum! Simon and Alexa are chatting on the way out, and trailing behind them are the Twins, telling Stephanie she should ask Simon to the party.
Back in the classroom, Shane is begging and pleading with Spike to take care of the egg. She points out that if it was a real baby, he wouldn’t get to go to the party. Yeah, and if it was a real baby, he wouldn’t be bringing it to class with him either, now would he?
Still, she’s right, but she’s being a total shrill harpy about it. He begs some more, but it accomplishes nothing. A smug Spike tells him to just have his parents look after it, and Shane responds with one of his trademark douchey faces.
It’s weird, but despite her being in a pretty sympathetic situation, I could never stand Spike for most of this show’s run. For a girl who got knocked up at 14, you think she’d be a lot less self-righteous about stuff, but when I think back across all five seasons, all I remember is Spike yelling at people for being nice to her. And Amanda Stepto’s one-note performance sure wasn’t helping any. But as always, I’m obliged to include the disclaimer that Amanda got way more likeable and hot on TNG, now in its 35th season.
In the hallways, Alexa is talking to Simon, and she’s right in the middle of asking him to Loosey’s party. Stephanie is with the Twins, watching from afar, and it appears that the great, mature Stephanie Kaye is afraid to go up and ask him out. The Twins can’t believe Steph is having an attack of low self-confidence, but I sure can. Clearly, the slutty clothes were her mojo. And now Alexa has her mojo. And Stephanie will desperately spend the rest of this season trying to get her mojo back in a series of events eventually to be chronicled in a novel by Terry McMillan.
As Steph finally works up the nerve to walk up to Simon, she sees him conspicuously lay a hand on Alexa’s shoulder and walk away.
Sure enough, Alexa shares the great news, which is that she invited Simon to Loosey’s party, and he said yes! Steph walks away with the Twins, furiously raging at how “phony” Alexa is, and she also correctly pegs how awful Alexa looks in her slutty clothes. Unfortunately, Steph’s still a total bitch, but in this case, she’s also right.
Meanwhile, Scooter leaves school for the day, cheerfully saying goodbye to everyone he passes, and they all respond in kind, except for Arthur and Yick, who are still bitter about not being cute little kids anymore. They stare Scooter down, and he walks away.
But just as Scooter reaches the exit, he pulls out a water pistol and squirts Arthur in the back, and runs out. Arthur immediately thinks Yick squirted him, and is incensed that Yick broke their “truce”. Yick denies it, but Arthur grabs him by the shirt and pulls him outside, so I’m guessing they’ll be beating the shit out of each other on the front lawn? Yeah, you wish. But that’s the end of this stupid plot, so there’s that.
Meanwhile, Joey, Snake, and Wheels continue tormenting Shane. Joey says what a burden it is, how they have to go to Loosey’s party, which will be “the blast of the year”, while lucky Shane gets to look after Eggbert. I do believe he’s being sarcastic. They laugh, make more clucking noises, and as Shane walks out, two girls say in unison, “Goodnight, Eggbert!” Welcome to Shane’s unending nightmare. Though, he should try living my nightmare sometime, also known as trying to come up with funny things to say about subplots involving Arthur and Yick.
And now, it’s party time! Over at Loosey’s house, Loosey goes to her stereo and flips over one of those “kah-set” things I’ve heard so much about. The doorbell rings and it’s Steph and the Twins, ready to partay, and bearing snacks and “records and tapes”. They immediately go for the liquor, calling to mind the fun they had at Loosey’s house prior to “The Big Dance”. God, that was a great episode. I seriously have never looked at port wine the same way again.
But Loosey stops them. They can’t touch any of the three dozen or so bottles of booze laid out for everyone to see, for they are verboten. Loosey explains that after she got caught shoplifting, her “parents haven’t trusted” her, and they acted really suspicious before they left. Wait, they don’t trust Loosey? They were suspicious that she might be up to something, like, say, throwing a party as soon as they left? Clearly, they’ll be eating their words once they get back.
And now we contrast this wild scene with Shane’s house. A grandfather clock ticks, ticks away. Shane is doing homework, while his parents play cards. After an eternity of them silently laying down and picking up cards, Shane’s dad goes, “Gin!” Can your heart take the excitement? In case it’s not obvious enough for you, Shane is in hell.
Shane’s Mom throws out accusations of possible cheating at gin rummy, but Shane’s Dad says he’s a “man of the cloth” and would never cheat. So I guess he is a priest. With a wife. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure he’s really a Methodist minister or something, but it’s kind of weird that the episode never bothers to come out and say it. I mean, it’s not like the Degrassi writers ever had an issue with shoving in awkward exposition before.
Then Dad asks Shane why he’s at home on a Friday night. Shane claims he has a lot of homework to do, but don’t worry, Dad, he’ll be sure to cut loose and smoke a little crack later. All work and no crack makes Shane a dull baby daddy!