Degrassi Junior High “Eggbert” (part 2 of 5)
Inside the school now, Spike explains the box in her hands, telling the Twins that she has to babysit an egg, which will somehow educate her as to what it feels like to have a baby. And then they pass warm, generous, open-hearted Kathleen, who mutters that Spike shouldn’t even be allowed at Degrassi. She turns to her friends (read: the people who barely tolerate Kathleen) and says, “Spike should go to a home or something.” Is this 1952? I don’t think they ship unmarried pregnant girls off to “homes” anymore.
Then Sweet Caitlin Ryan randomly appears, saying there’s no way Spike should go to a home, and it would accomplish nothing, because there’s no use trying to “pretend it never happened”. As meaningful looks pass between Shane and Spike on the other end of the hallway, everyone asks Kathleen why Shane shouldn’t also have to go to a home, seeing as how he fucked up his life just as badly as Spike.
Kathleen replies very sensibly, “He’s not pregnant!” See? You see the double standard going on here? If not, don’t fret; the message will be soundly beaten into your skull by the time this episode is over.
And now we’re in the Degrassi Boys Bathroom of Neutral Repute. Joey and Wheels are peeing together, as per Degrassi custom.
Joey is claiming that French kissing is dangerous, because your tongue could get bitten and infected. Wheels scoffs at this, which is when Shane enters, and Joey says they should “ask the expert”.
Joey tells Shane he’s an expert in “chicks” because he “got Spike pregnant”, in case Shane forgot or something, but Shane is full of defensive.
He says Spike isn’t talking to him anymore, then casually mentions how he has yet to tell his parents that he got a girl pregnant. He hasn’t told them because he’s deathly afraid of being sent to private school like his brothers, but he doesn’t want to leave Degrassi. He adds, “I like it here!” It’s nice! Say hi to mom… from jail! But seriously, who’d ever want to leave Degrassi? This is the most amazing school a kid could possibly attend, based on just the hot Avery touching action alone.
Cut to Stephanie Kaye, who’s still your school president, even though a lynch mob of angry 12 year olds came frighteningly close to tossing her out of office at the end of last season, and only the resignation of Archibald Cox Joey Jeremiah saved her ass. But as you might recall, this all led to a major epiphany for Stephanie, wherein she decided to turn over a new leaf and not be so much of a bitch slut whore.
She’s now making good on that promise, taking all the slutty clothes out of her locker and dumping them in a trash can. She also appears to be permanently resigned to Mommie’s Little Girl mode now, wearing whatever frilly, billowy blouses Voula left behind after the secret police took her away in the middle of the night.
Alexa wanders up (and I think this is the first time in the series anyone ever addresses Alexa by name), wondering what the deal is. Stephanie explains, “This term, I’m gonna be mature and responsible! I’m gonna be the real me!” I’d say those two things might be mutually exclusive. And I’d mention how her promise to be “the real me” lasts all of three episodes, but I don’t want to ruin the moment.
Alexa looks at the trash can full of slut, and asks if, you know, seeing as how Steph is just throwing this stuff away, can she have it? Even though there is no possible way Alexa wears the same size clothes as Stephanie. But Steph obviously couldn’t care less, and while tossing out a pair of pink pumps, she says, “It’s okay for you, Alexa, but I’m school president. I have to look more adult!” Just a reminder: this is Stephanie Kaye cultivating a less bitchy image.
Elsewhere, Yick Yu the Disorganized opens up his locker, and once again, papers cascade everywhere. He grumbles imperceptibly, “Why can’t they make bigger lockers?” I don’t know, why can’t you stop being such a lazy slob? And then Arthur shows up, ready to resume their legendary bromance by shooting Yick with a water gun. That’s right, Arthur totally just blasted Yick in the face. Oh yeah, things just got a lot more homoerotic.
So here I am, embarking on another season of Arthur and Yick B plots that I can already tell are going to drain my very will to live. Every time I come back to Degrassi, I somehow convince myself that the Arthur and Yick B plots won’t be that bad this time. And then Arthur and Yick actually show up on my screen, sucking even more than I remember them sucking last time around.
Actually, their subplot this week doesn’t even reach the level of “B plot”. It’s actually the C plot; Stephanie tossing out her slutty clothes is the B plot.
So here’s Arth-Yick’s nothing C plot for this episode: a new student enters the hallway, a very young, very tiny student who probably weighs like 60 pounds. He’s looking for Ms. Avery’s class, and Yick wonders why he’s looking for “7C”, but it turns out that’s his new homeroom.
As he walks away, Arthur and Yick grumble about this new development, and Yick says, “I don’t like little kids, they’re so immature.” You see, the bitter irony is that Arthur and Yick view this new kid with the same contempt that Joey Jeremiah viewed the two of them back in the pilot episode. And now that they’ve taken a moment to allow the wheel to come full circle, Arth-Yick return to having a very mature water gun fight in the hallway.
Over in Raditch’s homeroom, before class starts, everyone is gathered around and fawning over Spike’s egg. Because, as we shall witness in graphic detail later on, these kids are very, very easily entertained. Somebody remembers that Spike was planning to give her baby up for adoption, but Spike says, “I keep changing my mind!” Then Alexa snatches the egg away, saying she wants to draw a face on it, and then someone else says it needs a name.
Heather or Erica (it doesn’t matter which) suggests they call the egg “Eggbert”. You know, because the cartoon face “looks like an Eggbert”. And in addition, it “doesn’t look like a Spike”. Well, there you go. Who can argue with airtight logic like that?
Stephanie takes her seat, and the boys in the Zit Remedy notice her long dress and wonder amongst themselves if she’s dressed for a “costume party”. Joey says, “As what, a nun?” It’s funny how no one thought the slutty clothes were meant as a costume, even though there were times she actually looked like a superhero.
There’s yet another Shane/Spike stare-off across the classroom, and then our old friend Mr. Raditch enters, played by friend of the site Dan Woods! He says, “Welcome back, aspiring scholars, for another term of fun and excitement!” All I can say to that is fuck yeah! Mr. Raditch, you have no idea how much fun and excitement is in store for these kids.
But Raditch has a new student in tow. This new student is a blonde pretty boy named Simon Dexter. And I’ll be the first one to say it: Dude’s a ringer. I’m calling some Eric from The Real World season one-style shenanigans here. Like, after exhausting the supply of relatively normal kids who walked in off the street, the producers decided to head down to a talent agency and pick their newest cast member out of a portfolio, just to appeal to their core teenage girl demographic.
Okay, on second glance, he’s not actually that good looking, and he appears to be the only 14 year old on the planet with a receding hairline, but you can tell what they were going for here, and it’s total bullshit. Thankfully, Simon Dexter is relegated to a second or third-tier cast member for most of the show’s run.
Alexa gawks at him. It’s love at first sight. Is it spoiling things to say they eventually get married and have babies?