May 13, 2019
How the CW Plans to Win Major Awards for All Its Shows Next Season
Awards Season is finally over! Thank God. The whole thing’s become more tedious than Adam Sandler. If the Golden Globes had any balls, they’d just set the statue down on the stage, fire a starter’s pistol, and whichever nominee wanted it most would inevitably end up with it. Sadly, that’s not likely to happen until the courts stop pretending celebrities are real people with rights and stuff.
We at Happy Nice Time People never got the chance to formally congratulate to Gina Rodriguez, star of Jane the Virgin, for winning her first Golden Globe–nonviolently, sadly–and making Jane the Virgin the first CW show ever to wrap its delicate hands around that thick, hard, golden phallic symbol.
Suck it, Smallville!
Finally, the CW can sit at the big boy’s table. No longer will it be mocked as the network for teenage girls who enjoy bitchy dramas but can’t afford MTV. Has MTV ever won a Golden Globe? Huh? Because the CW has! The CW is moving on up to a deluxe network in the sky…
An accurate rendering of the CW network right now
Now that the network has had a taste of the gold, CW executives are demanding big changes across the board to make its entire lineup Emmy-worthy next season. Happy Nice Time People has an exclusive look at the upcoming network-mandated changes…
Jane the Virgin
You don’t get to be a network executive by refusing to fix things that aren’t broken. Hey, they’re not paying you seven figures to do nothing! Given all the publicity and good press surrounding Jane the Virgin after its Emmy win, this is obviously the perfect time to make the show more accessible to mainstream audiences. That’s why the CW is stepping in to water down that wacky premise and those even wackier storylines. If the execs get their way, look for Jane to open a bed & breakfast in Vermont with her new best friend, Sarah Michelle Geller. However, Jane the Virgin IS the goose that laid the Golden Globe, so the show is in a strong position to fight off network interference.
At least until season 3, when the CW will introduce a Cousin Oliver and a talking dog to boost ratings.
Or they could just have the guy who plays Rafael take his shirt off more often
It’s a historical period drama, for pete’s sake! That’s catnip for award voters. Unfortunately, the network tried to make it Gossip Girl with Corsets and bogged the show down with stupid teen melodrama instead of stupid adult melodrama.
Next season, the network will dictate a new direction–doubling the cast by adding a stuffy butler, a backstabbing footman, some dude that keeps getting arrested for murder, a dissatisfied kitchen girl, various interchangeable chambermaids, and Dame Maggie Smith. Storylines will center on the rich people being afraid of change, like how they can’t behead peasants whenever they want anymore, and their amazement at new technologies, like the pencil or geometry.
As for Dame Maggie, she need only purse her lips and say bitingly witty things like, “Oh my, are you ill with the plague, dear, or is that just your outfit clashing with your complexion?” She is currently demanding one million dollars per minute of screentime; the CW is trying to convince her to take a Chili’s gift card instead.
Also the wardrobe department will stop shopping at Forever 21
Despite its ten-year run, Supernatural has yet to win any major awards. Obviously, this is because the major awards shows don’t take science fiction seriously. Fortunately, the network bigwigs have a solution–shift the focus from confronting literal demons to metaphorical ones. In the new season, we learn the monsters have never really existed; the whole war between Heaven and Hell is nothing more than an allegory for Dean and Sam’s struggles with meth addiction and premature ejaculation, respectively.
From here on out, Supernatural will be retooled to be a family drama about two brothers and their personal problems. The Winchesters already have the fodder for it: dead parents, unstable dead end jobs, a steadily growing number of one-and-only true-loves who keep kicking the bucket. One good cry from Jensen Ackles, and the show will finally have an Emmy nomination that’s not for special effects.
Someday, boys, you’ll be holding a trophy that doesn’t look a piece of glass someone found in the parking lot
The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries will have an easier time transforming itself into awards fodder since there’s already a critically acclaimed vampire show to take cues from: True Blood. Sadly, the CW is already pouring every penny into a six-minute Dame Maggie Smith guest spot on Reign, so hiring the quality writers and directors behind that show isn’t an option. But, come on, is that really what we watched True Blood for? The network execs know better than that. The real draw is the sex and the nudity. Obviously.
They can’t show full frontal stuff since they’re not cable, so the CW will have the actors dress up in nude body leotards and pretend. Get ready for some steamy scenes between Elena and any male character with a pulse. Or without one–do vampires have pulses?
Perk up, kids. You want an Emmy or not?
The Flash and Arrow
Unfortunately, the CW is in a bit of a bind with its superhero shows. There’s no precedent for any superheros winning any kinds of awards, so there’s no one to copy from. But hey, what’s that on the horizon? Marvel’s Agent Peggy Carter is kicking ass and taking names, literally and figuratively.
But mostly literally. Hee-yah!
Agent Carter hasn’t won any awards yet, but it’s a critical darling so The Flash better move fast (HA!) before Hayley Atwell snags an award for Best Actress in a TV Series Based on a Comic Book, an award that will be specially created for her.
When in doubt, steal! So says the network executives at the CW, so The Flash and Arrow are both headed to the 1940s next season, where they’ll fight wacky Nazis and learn sexism is bad. The Hollywood Foreign Press loves both those things, and soon the CW will have so many Golden Globes they won’t know what to do with them. Seriously, what do other networks do with their Golden Globes? The CW wants to know.
A time travel plot? Bah, that’s just ridiculous.