Glenn Beck Previews The New Leonardo DiCaprio Flick And Gives It Zero Stars Before It Actually Exists

Glenn Beck is normally more in the Wonkette wheelhouse, but sometimes Glenn goes all showbiz critic and shares with us his thoughts and feels on upcoming movies. It’s like Roger Ebert, except petulant and with no soul.

So my secret-boyfriend-even-though-I-am-a-ghey Leonardo DiCaprio is set to produce and star in a movie that does not totally hate on Woodrow Wilson. This is the root of all evil, according to Glenn Beck, who would go back in time and murder Woodrow Wilson before he could kill again, or would impeach him, or something. Also, too, he will impeach Obama because otherwise people will decide Obama is in the Top 5 presidents ever.

Don’t want to click through? I didn’t really either. The things I do for you people.

From master historian and critic extraordinaire Glenn Beck we learn that Woodrow Wilson “hated the Constitution” and “helped fuel the KKK.” Listen. There is some legitimate criticism to be leveled at Wilson for his record on civil rights, but prolly not from the guy who has been one of the nominal leaders of the Tea Party, a group that only exists because they are mad the black guy is president. Beck is pretty solid on the fact, though, that he should be your source for all things Wilson:

“When has Woodrow Wilson ever got what he deserved, except from us?”

Yeah, that. Why won’t professional historians listen to the high school graduate cryball machine that is Glenn Beck? They could learn a thing or two! Like how if you don’t stop thinking nice thoughts about history’s greatest monster Woodrow Wilson, you’ll just be a pawn in the scheme to make Obama the G.O.A.T.

“They will make him the greatest president to ever live,” Beck complained. “That’s why, another reason why, you need to file the articles of impeachment. He needs to have the stain on his record that they cannot remove.

Listen, people. Do not go to Glenn Beck for your entertainment news. Or your history news. Or anything, really. You’re dealing with a guy that would only be happy with a biographical movie if Ted Nugent plays the president in an adaptation of the Bill O’Reilly book Killing Lincoln. Glenn can continue to be your source for all things Beautiful Mind-level chalkboard scribblings, but movies? not so much. Besides, everybody knows that Leo should star in everything. Except comedies. If he does comedies he ends up like “funny” Robert De Niro, and nobody wants that.

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  • The things I do for you people.And this is why we love you, Lisa.

  • tomsveb

    All the straight people are always talking about how they’re “gay for” whatever celebrity, so I don’t see why you can’t be straight for Leo and Marky Mark.

    • DrShitferbrains

      I’m only gay for cocoa puffs.

  • Mrs_Wudi

    Wait, so we’re impeaching Leo?!?! NO!!

  • SullivanSt

    Glenn can continue to be your source for all things Beautiful Mind-level chalkboard scribblings

    Except that John Nash, when sane, was actually super-smart. Like, Nobel-prize-winning smart. Whereas Beck, in addition to being nuttier than a fruitcake, has the dumdumz.

    • MegPasadena

      John Nash: super-smart guy went crazyGlenn Beck: insane guy tries to fake being smart

  • Chingus

    I don’t understand why every mention of him is not “high school graduate Beck”. Especially if that’s the case. I’m white trash, but that shit should be nomenclature. Especially as people now call him Dr. Beck.

    • DrShitferbrains

      It’s kind of like how 100 years ago you didn’t need any qualifications to just start practicing medicine. Kind of like being a programmer today.

  • Spurning Beer

    It’s Talk like a Soul Pirate Day!

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    This post was deleted.

  • HogeyeGrex

    “They will make him the greatest president to ever live,”

    Coming from someone whose cohort continually tries to rename apple pie “Reagan pie”, mom “Ronmomald Reagmoman”, and hot dogs “Reagan dogs” along with trying to turn pretty much everything that isn’t a debilitating disease into a paean to a second-rate actor with an astonishingly corrupt and outright criminal administration, I have to say this rigs a wee bit hollow.It really is always projection with these people, isn’t it.

    • SullivanSt

      Not just astonishingly corrupt, the most corrupt ever, by number of indictments.