Nov 20, 2019
Crowe Hopes Pope Nixes Noah Pix Nope
Getting hyped for the Biblical Spectacular Spectacular that is Noah? How can you not be? It’s Russell Crowe plus the Old Testament! It is Gladiator on steroids! It has Hermione Granger in it! Surely with all this starpower, the Pope will want to check this out, right? Russell Crowe wants to ensure he does.
Just in case the Holy Father didn’t hear his cry, Crowe reached out to his Twitter followers so they could pester the Pontifex as well.
Crowe followed up with a tweet aimed at his own 1.37 million followers, writing, “given his environmental focus/scholarly knowledge, trying to screen #Noah for Pope Francis.” Crowe also asked his followers to retweet his previous message.
Jesus, we feel for the poor sod running social media for the Pope right now, especially because there are a bunch of Christians that are already all het up over Noah and are sure it is the devil’s work, even though they’ve not yet seen the movie, because pretty much no one has.
[A] group called Faith Driven Consumers released a study about the March 28-opening Darren Aronofsky film starring Russell Crowe, noting that “Noah faces rough seas.” It cited a figure of 98% of respondents who said that they were “not satisfied” by Hollywood movies with biblical plotlines, specifically mentioning “Noah” in the release. […]
But one line — a key one — seemed howler-worthy. It said that “98% of faith driven consumers indicate their entertainment needs are not satisfied by ‘Noah,’” a prima facie illogical statement because, surely, nearly none of the respondents have seen “Noah,” and thus are in no position to evaluate whether the movie satisfied any need, entertainment or otherwise.
Trolololololol. Isn’t there something in the Bible about not being hasty to judge, or not judging a book by its cover, or judge not lest you be judged, because Christ, you people are Judgey McJudgersons. For all you know, Faith Driven Consumers, this entire movie will be nothing but one long tongue bath to the Old Testament. Sadly, it doesn’t seem like the Pope will join you at a Saturday matinee showing though.
[A] Vatican spokesman asked about “Philomena” recently said the pope does not watch films. However, that statement contradicted a story last year in which Francis told an interviewer he enjoyed classic Italian films, and even took recommendations for two new ones.
So which is it, hmmmmmm? Do you see movies, Pope? Maybe you only see fancy Italian furriner films instead of good old American retellings of a particular skygod origin story? Maybe you’re not big on CGI and know that this film will have a shit ton? Maybe you hate Russell Crowe? Maybe you think Darren Aronofsky is SUPER overrated, in which case we are with you? We’d root for the Pope to see it if it would just shut up the god-botherers over at Faith Driven Consumers, but even an act of God won’t shut their mouths.