Crowe Hopes Pope Nixes Noah Pix Nope

Crowe Hopes Pope Nixes Noah Pix Nope

Getting hyped for the Biblical Spectacular Spectacular that is Noah? How can you not be? It’s Russell Crowe plus the Old Testament! It is Gladiator on steroids! It has Hermione Granger in it! Surely with all this starpower, the Pope will want to check this out, right? Russell Crowe wants to ensure he does.


Just in case the Holy Father didn’t hear his cry, Crowe reached out to his Twitter followers so they could pester the Pontifex as well.

Crowe followed up with a tweet aimed at his own 1.37 million followers, writing, “given his environmental focus/scholarly knowledge, trying to screen #Noah for Pope Francis.” Crowe also asked his followers to retweet his previous message.

Jesus, we feel for the poor sod running social media for the Pope right now, especially because there are a bunch of Christians that are already all het up over Noah and are sure it is the devil’s work, even though they’ve not yet seen the movie, because pretty much no one has.

[A] group called Faith Driven Consumers released a study about the March 28-opening Darren Aronofsky film starring Russell Crowe, noting that “Noah faces rough seas.” It cited a figure of 98% of respondents who said that they were “not satisfied” by Hollywood movies with biblical plotlines, specifically mentioning “Noah” in the release. […]

But one line — a key one — seemed howler-worthy. It said that “98% of faith driven consumers indicate their entertainment needs are not satisfied by ‘Noah,’” a prima facie illogical statement because, surely, nearly none of the respondents have seen “Noah,” and thus are in no position to evaluate whether the movie satisfied any need, entertainment or otherwise.

Trolololololol. Isn’t there something in the Bible about not being hasty to judge, or not judging a book by its cover, or judge not lest you be judged, because Christ, you people are Judgey McJudgersons. For all you know, Faith Driven Consumers, this entire movie will be nothing but one long tongue bath to the Old Testament. Sadly, it doesn’t seem like the Pope will join you at a Saturday matinee showing though.

[A] Vatican spokesman asked about “Philomena” recently said the pope does not watch films. However, that statement contradicted a story last year in which Francis told an interviewer he enjoyed classic Italian films, and even took recommendations for two new ones.

So which is it, hmmmmmm? Do you see movies, Pope? Maybe you only see fancy Italian furriner films instead of good old American retellings of a particular skygod origin story? Maybe you’re not big on CGI and know that this film will have a shit ton? Maybe you hate Russell Crowe? Maybe you think Darren Aronofsky is SUPER overrated, in which case we are with you? We’d root for the Pope to see it if it would just shut up the god-botherers over at Faith Driven Consumers, but even an act of God won’t shut their mouths.

[Los Angeles Times]

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  • Botlrokit

    Which megachurches will be screening it? Stadium seating for 20,000!

  • Low_Budget_Dave

    Did anybody see that “We have a Pope” movie last year? Me neither.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    will Emma Watson be nekkid? Because Crowe and Watson would seriously be the hottest onscreen couple since Michael Caine and Michelle Johnson…

  • Ambignostic

    It’s Hollywood. They’re going to add some ungodly crap, like having Noah get drunk and be a dick to his son, or associating him with homosexual symbols.

  • docterry6973

    If the Holy Father isn’t too busy, maybe he could give me a testimonial for the appliance sale I am running.

  • tegrat

    New Pope probably waiting for the TweetofGod to pass judgment before weighing in…

  • Come here a minute

    We’d root for the Pope to see it if it would just shut up the
    god-botherers over at Faith Driven Consumers, but even an act of God
    won’t shut their mouths.

    If every tongue was tied the noise would still continue; the rocks and stones themselves would start to sing.

    • Elaine Kurpiel

      Hosanna! Hosanna! Zannazanna Ho!

  • Joseph

    I have it on good authority it is about a NASCAR driver who marries his daughter and then divorces her for a tortoise. But who can trust People Magazine

  • jaz hentai

    wouldn’t “il papa” know all about noah? the world is in trouble if the fucking pope doesn’t know about noah!

  • that headline has some Variety

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Oh, like “Hix Nix Chix Dix”…wait…”Styx Hix…”, uhm…

  • mattand

    Crowe should throw a phone at the Pope’s head. That should get his attention.

  • hvdv

    oh, what is this poop? why is some dude who plays dress-up for a living twattering at some other dude who plays dress-up for a living? how hard is it to just send a friend request on your facespace, and leave the popey one to his (quite real) job? (“faith-driven consumers” is the name of my new post-punk band.)

  • hellslittlestangel

    My favorite line from the movie: “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking ark!”

  • motmelere

    You’re asking for no snap judgment on a film about a dude that let people and dinosaurs die in the flood to save a bunch of slackabout pandas and ne’er-do-well squirrels? Alright, I’d piss at a T-Rex and tell him to grow some swimmer’s muscles if I had the chance, but those microceratops were cool and didn’t take up that much space! Don’t even get me started on dragons and unicorns.

    • Annie Towne

      He didn’t “let” them die–he straight-out killed them, because they were “bad.” Typical Thunder God, really, only remarkable because people are still worshiping him, which is really very odd.

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  • kfreed

    If the God-botherers are bothered by what they think is in this film, I may actually see it eventually:) Normally, they’d be salivating all over it. What giveth?Ah, so… Religious Right cries, Let there be controversy!” So there is controversy: is out that the film may have a pro-envirnmental bent (?) – a ginormous no-no for the climate change denying Religious Right. Also, too, there are not bound to be dinosaurs on Russell Crowe’s ark – also not in keeping with the dogma of the Religious Right. Heh. Let the games begin.

  • JParkerSD46

    Oh, boy. Tis the season to trot out biblically movies. Noah sets sail and “Son of God” tells the story of white guy Jeebus. It’s only PG-13, so you can take your kids to watch WGJ be tortured and killed. Family fun for everyone!

  • Anne

    Best. Headline. Ever.