Aug 17, 2021
Only 341 Days To Buy Us This Adorable, Non-Creepy 3-D Printed Fetus For Christmas
Since you can’t wrap up ‘arrogant self-righteousness’ in a box, what do you get your pro-life friend for Christmas? Fast Company has found self-righteousness’s runner-up: A 3D fetus “figurine”!
Holy drunken goatfucker, that is creepy. But wait! Like those infomercials you watch while high at 3 am, THERE’S MORE.
According to the apparently-not-a-parody website, 3D Babies:
At 3D Babies, we create an adorable baby figurine resembling your baby’s facial features and body position. We use your 3D/4D ultrasound images or newborn baby pictures to create a unique artistic representation of your baby using the latest computer graphics and 3D printing technology.
False. There is no way that can be described as ‘adorable.’ Look at that picture again. That is some serious butchery of the English language, and we are totes fine with moar bad speling of lots of arglebargly stuff, but THAT crosses the line. We are in favor of technology to make our lives better – like the iPad, which is just a larger portable porn machine than the iPhone. But this… this is too much.
The site goes on to say:
This is a great way to share the excitement of your new baby with family and friends.
No. Absolutely not. That is not true. Do not try this at home if you value things like friendship and any modicum of respect among the humans and pets and inanimate objects with whom and which you regularly interact. We can think of a thousand million better ways to share the excitement of a new baby with friends that are less creepy, up to and including having your friends look up your snatch to try to catch a glimpse of your little oven-bun.
In addition to ‘life-size’ versions, you can also get mini-figurines for the low-low cost of $200! But it is important to remember:
Don’t forget the Grandparents. Order more than one 3D Baby and receive 10% off your order by using the Promotional Code LOVE.
We don’t know what you get for promotion code VOMIT, but we are sure one of you will let us know.
But wait, you say. You do not want/can not have children. But these little fuckers would be great to creep out your in-laws and encourage them to leave sooner rather than later. Are there options for you? OF COURSE THERE ARE!
This is either the most awesome or terrible thing in the history of our planet. YOU CAN BUY A FIGURINE OF BABY NORTH WEST, the daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “Baby North West is a Mini 3D Baby (4 inches crown to rump).” Unfortunately, this is the only celebrity baby available now, but we hope to god that more become available soon, because nothing says you love your child more than selling their likeness to reputable outfits like “3DBabies.com.”
Aren’t convinced yet? Well get out your credit card, because here is the last bit that will make the deal happen:
IT COMES WITH ITS OWN COFFIN, in case you rethink the whole thing and go for a late-term abortion!
Anyway, go buy like a million fetal figurines, for freedom.