Oh look at all these dads creeping on their daughters, for Jesus

by · June 5, 2014

"Do not allow the obvious metaphor behind us to give you any ideas, young lady."

“Do not allow the obvious metaphor behind us to give you any ideas, young lady.”

In virginity news, let us now examine Swedish photographer David Magnusson’s photographs of fathers and virginal daughters at their purity balls. What is a purity ball, you ask? Oh, just a formal ceremony where a daughter pledges not to experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form until she’s married, of course. She makes the promise to God, but since he’s busy being invisible in the sky, her dad stands in. This makes sense when you consider the aggressively patriarchal nature of conservative Christianity. It also makes sense when you consider that some fathers are not happy nice time people but are instead creepy, overprotective hymencopter dads, who totally look like they want to fuck their daughters.

What? We’re just saying.

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These cherry parties are like medieval proxy weddings, so that’s fun. David Rosenberg of Slate writes a rather sweetly non-judgmental post about Magnusson’s project (it helps that Magnusson himself seems sweetly nonjudgmental). Over at Buzzfeed, they’ve got basically the same thing going on. Thankfully, Tom Hawking at Flavorwire calls them “fucking weird,” which is exactly what they are. Naturally, we’ve got a few of the photos for you to…not “enjoy,” certainly. “Digest?” “Endure?” Regardless, here they are. Please do share your thoughts in the comments. And by the by, if you’ve ever had a virginity ball or participated in one, you are morally obligated by Zombie Baby Jesus to post them in said comments. Thank you.

"Surely early emphasis on your sexual being as some precious gift to be withheld on penalty of Hell is not going to fuck you girls up in any way."

“Surely early emphasis on your sexual being as some precious gift to be withheld on penalty of Hell is not going to fuck you girls up in any way.”

"Honey, you look really depressed for someone whose father is so creepily obsessed with her vagina that he made her do a party for it."

“Honey, you look really depressed for someone whose father is so creepily obsessed with her vagina that he made her do a party for it.”

Oh Look At All These Dads Creeping On Their Daughters, For Jesus

“This symbol of a brutal late Iron Age torture method should effectively remind you not to enjoy sex ever. Also I am totes making a sex face while smelling your hair.”

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  • Guest

    omg

    • sarabenincasa

      AHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH HE’S HERE!

    • borninatrailer

      The most appropriate response.

  • sj660

    I can’t fap to this

    • Haribo Lector

      I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s definitely possible.

  • BMW

    Speaking as the father of a girl…fuck these assholes.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    They all look so somber. Shouldn’t they be happy?

    • arensb

      “No sex for you!” hardly seems like a happy-making occasion.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    So, I’m guessing there’s no penis cakes at these parties.

  • el_donaldo

    That last picture OMG.

    • Paul J

      Seriously. Look where his hands are. I do not touch my daughter there.

      • Greg Comlish

        Oh yeah. That’s the patented Power-Wendel Power-Grip™. Plus he’s rocking a seriously wide-stance. He’s basically straddling her, pressing against her from behind, about to blow his wad. That girl is going to grow up to be Ann Coulter. .

  • unnaturalist

    If I were a superhero, my supermobile would totally be a hymencopter.

    • sarabenincasa

      That’s what mine is. It’s why I”m a virgin today!

      • vreejack

        I cannot unthink that, whatever it was that I thought. Something about rotating knives. Moving along now.

  • automaticpilot

    The guy with the two daughters – why is he starting their purity ball when they are so young? Maybe he thinks he can stop puberty from coming.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      puberty isn’t the thing he should be trying to stop from coming

    • M H

      Hot dad + purity ball = EWWWWW.

  • debenham

    At first I was like, “Only three photos?” But then I thought: “No, three was plenty.” YEESH.

    • sarabenincasa

      Right? My thoughts too!

  • TheLifeSilica

    Someone needs to start a site, “Engagement or purity ball photos?”

  • Dragoon21b

    ok is it just me or does the girl in that first picture look like she is about to go all Carrie psyco prom queen…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      can you blame her?

  • Ambignostic

    What does the water tower represent? I have an answer but I’m afraid to think it.

    • ibwilliamsi

      Not circumcised.

    • Dragoon21b

      I was wondering about the arid barren wasteland they all seem to be standing in…

      • ibwilliamsi

        Looks like Utah to me.

        • Dragoon21b

          you make my point

          • mtn_philosoph

            Does the rest of the West also have this bleached out appearance?

      • m3bosha

        It’s the eastern plains of Colorado, if they turned and faced the other way you could see the mountains. Oh, the the 2nd picture is at Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. Colorado Springs is basically patient zero of religious nuttery.

        • Todd Ringling

          well, there are stories about the Air Force Academy being infiltrated and run by a bunch of “sky pilots” and their evangelical/fundamentalist clones.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      fecundity?

  • Paul J

    The father in the second to last photo doesn’t have anything to worry about.And I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess these purity girls have a really high teen pregnancy rate.

  • ibwilliamsi

    I used to have a boss that would grab me from behind like that. Creepazoid.

    • Dragoon21b

      Unfortunately it’s hard to sue your parents for sexual harassment (not that I don’t think these girls would have a helluva case)

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Oh my. I don’t know what to say about this. Yes, creepy comes to mind. Sure.

  • Crank Tango

    Hey does this site not work on chrome? I have an ad blocking my omg where did my text go?

    • Haribo Lector

      Viewing it on Chrome now; works fine.

  • SayItWithWookies

    At least the girl in black has her sensibilities about her — Mourning Becomes Virginity.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Do you get a band, a DJ, or is dancing the devil’s work?

    • mtn_philosoph

      “Today I am not, and never will be, an individual in her own right.”

  • justamakanik

    I’m gonna have to clear out my temp files and internet cache files, the last thing I need is getting busted for child porn on my computer. The girls involved with this should grow up to be well adjusted people, at least according to daddy dearest.

  • LarryHoudini

    This isn’t working for me. Do you have any pictures of teenage boys with their substitute teachers?

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Purity balls is also the option I choose for manscaping when I go to the salon . . .

    • mtn_philosoph

      Purity balls are what I throw into the trunk after I load it up with winter wear that I am storing over the summer.

  • borninatrailer

    All I see is a bunch of pictures of girls that will only have buttsechs on prom night. Sad.

    • vreejack

      “Okay, but you’ll have to do it in my bottom because I love Jesus.””Eww…”

      • BarryG

        And Jesus was absolutely obsessed with anal. Freud later figured out why.

  • WhiskerWatch

    True story: My high school best friend’s family is of the fundie-lite variety. Her “purity ring” or whateverthefuck broke in half about a month after she, ahem, lost her purity with her bad-boy, leather-jacket-wearing, motorcycle-driving boyfriend. Coincidence or Jebus’ retribution? Lesson learned, I think they’re getting her younger sister a purity chastity belt.

  • Arcturus

    That freak is worried about the virginity of his (looks like) 6 year old daughter?? Eeeeeew. What all of them need to do instead of this is go to a “How To Buy a Suit That Actually Fits You” seminar.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Pat Robertson was right! Gay marriage DOES lead to childbrides! Who’d’a thunk it’d be his own compatriots doing it (besides everyone)?

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    where a daughter pledges not to experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form.Or as any teenager taking a girl out calls it, “Date night.”

  • Annie Towne

    I read about this on HuffPo a month ago and had to take four or five showers right away. *shudder shudder shudder*

  • Paul J

    And why is this just for the daughters? Do they get their sons to make the same pledge? I’m gonna guess “no” Alex.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      “Son, bang all the sluts you can while you’re young, but promise me you’ll marry a virgin.”

      • essbird

        ,” said Mom.

  • Paul J

    Sorry for the multiple posts, but this is really creeping me out. Some (or most) of these girls are going to have sex before they get married. Then they’re going to feel like they’re going to hell, and that they are dirty, used goods – because that’s what they’ve been taught – and they are going to have serious mental health issues, not to mention the high likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy and/or an STD because they aren’t prepared for sex.So, given the likely outcome, how is this not child abuse?

  • peteywheats

    Anal is still OK tho, right?

  • say wha

    The many faces of Slender Man.

  • bumfug

    To say these guys ” totally look like they want to fuck their daughters” is being really generous – more than one of them looks like he’s fondly recalling a particularly vivid memory of leaving his mark on his little possession’s budding womanhood.

  • JParkerSD46

    Not sure why no one is smiling in any of these. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

  • vreejack

    No comments on the oil derrick? I thought that was hilariously symbolic of something utterly inappropriate for the event pictured. …oh. It’s in the caption. Never mind, I guess.

    • Greg Comlish

      Yeah I was going to say “look in the caption” but then I read the part where you already noticed that.

      • WA Bishop

        I was about to reply but then I noticed that you had already.

  • Greg Comlish

    It was very considerate for the father in the first photo to volunteer a shoulder massage. His daughter appears to be very tense for some reason.

  • davecity

    you would think that since they have had 10-17 years to prepare for this at least one of these guys could have scored a decent looking suit that doesn’t look like a loaner from their cousin Wayne who only wore it that one time he had to go to court.

    • WA Bishop

      Those charges were totally bogus, by the way. His ex was kuh-raaaazy!

  • Sarcastic_Commenter

    Hands on hips don’t lie. #4

  • blaid droog

    I would like to know why an allegedly pro photographer can ‘t take better pics. The background in every pic is ugly and depressing except for the oil pump. That one is funny and sexually provocative.

    • essbird

      It isn’t that much fun being a fundie. The exterior landscape is a metaphor for the interior. And that’s why they resent and condemn anyone who is having fun, ‘specially if it involves any sort of nookie.

      • JeffWest

        Word. I lived in a place just like that, and “depressing” was as good as it ever got.

  • mtn_philosoph

    Why do all of these photos look like they were shot and developed from a roll of Instamatic that had been left in the back seat of the station wagon for the entire summer?

  • Guest

    upon her knee, so fine to be…

  • chazmanr

    “a formal ceremony where a daughter pledges not to experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form until she’s married, of course.”LIARS!!!! Fundie daddies don’t believe that their daughter should EVER experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form.Fixed it

    • God Zilla

      Unless it is with the daddies themselves.

  • Brenda Szuszczewicz

    Anyone have extra brain bleach? I need some ASAP

  • JeffWest

    Is Purity Ball the funniest oxymoron of the week?

  • Haribo Lector

    That last one is particularly special; and the daughter is acutely aware of it.

  • King Beauregard

    So which is more explicitly phallic: the water tower in the background of the one photo, or the pump in the background of the other photo?

  • Sheesko

    Black lace spaghetti straps? Really? Hmmm. I’m thinking this young woman is not quite as committed to purity as her father wishes. But then, apparently neither is he.

  • BarryG

    Those purity balls would be great. Guilty pleasure w/o STD. Sign me up.

  • EatYourVeggies

    omfg! Creepers! EWww!

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