Mar 15, 2021
'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap -- Blue Blue Bayou
And we open in the bayou, and some dudes are catchin’ gators, and then shootin’ ’em in their big prehistoric skulls, as you do. Misty Day (the beautiful Lily Rabe), who was last seen being burned alive at the stake by a bunch of snake-handlin’ tongue-speakin’ yahoodles, is quite interested in this fun and profitable murder of perfectly innocent alligators! Stevie Nicks plays — “Edge of 17,” and a long-buried memory from our childhood surfaces, about Nicks being a witch (along with Anita Pallenberg and Marianne Faithful and pretty much everyone else Mick Jagger dated). (We are not saying Mick Jagger dated Stevie Nicks.) (We are just saying.) (It was the ’60s and ’70s we guess?) Misty Day is like, “what’s up, dudes?” and they are like “mind yer bidniss, lil lady,” and make a very very rookie mistake of pointing their weapon at a witch. As you do NOT. The croc drags off the guy by his face, like a “Six Feet Under” opening.
Misty Day is not happy in her bayou. You could even say she is “blue”!
Morgan Le Fay Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts, boring me) is being a bitch (because that is her entire character development) while Zoe Benson (Taissa Farmiga, boring me) mopes and google-stalks her dead Jesus savior boyfriend. Madison is being a bitch, because, and she is like “he would have raped me too, okay?” and Zoe is like “HE WAS NOT LIKE THAT, I KNEW HIM FOR 15 WHOLE MINUTES,” which is a pretty realistic portrayal of a 17-year-old, and in fact we knew he was not like that, because we have omniscience and watched as he actually stopped the rape. (Good bro!) But Zoe does not know that! And Morgan just goes with it, switching seamlessly from “all men are rapists” (Dworkin/MacKinnon shoutout!) to “I’m sorry I killed your boycandy, okay?” She throws in an ad-feminem attack on Zoe’s Vagina What Splodes Men’s Brains, just to be extra hurty.
What’s that smell? Oooh, that smell! It is not Chinese herbs, Fiona (Jessica Lange), you liar! It is Kathy Bates, Madame LaLaurie, who actually existed and actually did torture her slaves, and who has now been lying in a coffin for 180 years! Oh, she does not smell “good”!
And now we are in Detroit 2012, because “Coven” this week is basically a seven-year-old with ADHD, and we are gonna be back and forth and here and there and in the bayou and in a morgue and all the other places in the world in a whiplash 52 minutes. Queenie’s name is not “yo,” it is Queenie, and she does not enjoy this customer at her fried chicken fast food joint saying she is an idiot who cannot count. She got A’s in calculus and advanced trig, Pencil Dick, and she is not taking kindly to being called ignorant. Gabourey Sidibe is far, far more interesting than the pretty li’l white girls (except Misty Day, who’s got that restless and yearning poor white cracker thing going on). Queenie, Misty Day, and Nan (Jamie Brewer, the actress with Down syndrome) should have a Fiona/Cordelia Magneto/Professor Xavier battle, and fight Zoe and Madison and kill them with Magick (and knives) and throw them off this show, because they suck. Oh whoops, now Queenie, the human voodoo doll, is sticking her arm in the deep fryer and smiling real ugly-like as she burns Pencil Dick’s arm to cinders.
Now we are back at Cordelia’s Home For Witches Who Can’t Spell Good And Stuff and Queenie is relating that “since nobody saw her throw the oil,” she could not be charged with assault, but that is how she came to the attention of Miss Cordelia, who rescued her from Detroit and brought her here to Magick shit up. She hadn’t known she was a witch. “I grew up on White Girl shit like ‘Charmed’ and ‘Sabrina the Teenaged Witch,'” she sneers. (Sing it. And get rid of these boring white bitches while you are at it pls.) But now she knows who she is. She is the heir to Tituba! Fuckin’ right on right on!
Uh oh, as they are all having their morning gathering to talk about periods or whatever, two detectives come and want to talk to them. People notice when a movie star (Madison) shows up to a frat party, and where she goes (i.e. into a room to get roofied and date raped). Isn’t it odd that within minutes all those boys were dead? Oh and hey, Zoe, nice picture of you going into the room of the sole survivor at the hospital and having him be mysteriously brainsploded within a few minutes of your leaving. AND OH HEY THAT IS SO WEIRD THAT THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE HMMMM????
These guys are really thorough, good detectives, actually!
Zoe breaks within ONE SECOND. “THEY GANG RAPED HER SHE KILLED THEM WITH HER MIND I KILLED THAT ASSHOLE WITH MY VAGINA I AM A WITCH I HAVE POWERS WE ARE ALL WITCHES. WITH POWERS. OF THE DEVIL AND STUFF. WE ARE WITCHES WHO ARE GUILTY OF MURDER.” Oh, Zoe.
Don’t worry, dudes, Fiona’s got this. She spits in a couple of glasses and then gives them to the detectives, only one of whom is powerless against her mind control and casually drinks her spit. The second guy gets a nosebleed resisting her big sexy massive brainz, but then he finally does it, because otherwise, “aneurysm.” And no, Fiona does not have to break a sweat. We’ll just forget about all this mishigas, HENGHHH?, she says, and the detectives happily agree, because she has brainwashed them without even using her vaginal juices. (Seriously go read that last link; we’ll wait.)
Fiona comes into the room and slams Zoe and Madison into the walls, but it doesn’t really have the same dramatic impact as the first time she did it to Madison, because of how we have seen it before. “But they knew,” Zoe snivels. “I couldn’t toast a piece of bread with the heat they were putting on you,” Fiona sneers. “In this whole wide wicked world, the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.” Oh yes, Mistress Lange. And we can almost hear the whistle of the whip.
Time to go to the morgue and stitch Kyle together from all the scrambled boyparts! Kyle is a head and an arm? Zoe and Madison are going to play JENGA! With limbs and such! It is Madison’s idea, a “peace offering,” and we are guessing this is not going to end well! In fact, MAYBE Madison is not even being sincere when she claims she is being nice. IS IT POSSIBLE?
And now we are getting Cordelia’s backstory, because this episode is surprisingly boring. Sarah Paulson is married, and infertile. That is sad! But it is not actually that sad? Have you considered adopting a child who needs you? Husby knows she is a witch, and suggests she just magic up her oves and ute. But Sarah Paulson does not want to play God. (Again. We are getting face-hammered, constantly, with the difference between her and her mother Fiona, who is quite happy to play God, because SHE IS GOD.
Aaand we are back to Madame LaLaurie and Fiona again. Madame LaLaurie does not know she has been buried for 180 years. She was tricked by “that black devil” (Angela Bassett, Marie Laveau). We know some other black devils, they are named Barack Hitler Nobummer, have you heard of him?
Aaaand here is Madame Laveau to burn down Madame LaLaurie’s house. Oh whoops they have hanged all her fambly in the yard. She is Sad. :(
“Don’t think that they didn’t suffer, because they did, greatly,” Marie Laveau assures her. “Also, I totally turned you immortal, now be in this box forever or until Jessica Lange comes and breaks you out, whichever comes first.” She really should have invested in some sharks with laser beams.
Madame LaLaurie is not hungry, which is good, because the next scene is body parts getting slammed down onto a gurney in a semblance of a human form. Enjoy your zombie boyfriend, Zoe, we are sure this will work out super awesome!
The revivify spell makes them both scream and hold their heads. It is a serious spell you guys! Madison is all like “hey have some alone time with your FrankenVoodooZombieBoyfriend, I’ll be outside,” but then she sees someone coming and leaves Zoe in the morgue! That is not good friendship! OR SISTERHOOD! Or COCONSPIRATORING! Zoe kisses her corpsefriend, Snow White-styley, and from the bayour Misty Day answers the soul call.
Morgue dude walks in and sees stitched up Kyle, and he is all like ZOINKS!
And then Kyle rises from the dead and murders the dude, because of how he is a zombie, and zombies love murdering.
Fiona is in a black hairdresser’s in the Ninth Ward. When they tell her not to smoke, she actually doesn’t smoke. And Marie Laveau owns the salon, because she is still a hairdresser, which she was in real life.
Nan comes and unties Madame LaLaurie for thinking too loud, Nan cannot even stand it, and tells her to get out. On her way out, Madame LaLaurie calls Queenie “slave” and then hits her in the head with a hammer. As you do.
And we’re BACK in the hairdresser’s again, and Fiona is throwing down to Angela Bassett (Marie Laveau). First she is all like “black don’t crack,” which is just true. But then she is talking about “your kind” and “my kind” and calling Tituba illiterate, which, why is that necessary? And they are both arguing about whether white witches (meaning literally caucasian witches, not “white witches” like good witches) got their Magicks from African witches. But we thought the witchery was genetic? And this is sounding like it is just a matter of knowledge and spells? Meh, show.
So Fiona is being super-racist for no reason at all, and then asks for eternal youth. This does not seem like a way to win friends and influence people? Flies and honey, all of that? She ends with “Maybe in another century you could have two shithole salons.” Fiona does not seem to be that good at talking to women — except, with Kathy Bates, while she is generally condescending and laughing at her, she is also friendly. Why bring out this race bullshit? Why antagonize the great Voodoo Queen when you want something from her? We guess they are setting up ANOTHER battle, or maybe a buddy-cop movie (one is by-the-book! one is trying to murder all of humanity and take over the world!) and beautiful friendship. But this is playing awkwardly. Bad writing, and dumbness.
Sarah Paulson and Hank (her Dear Hubby, who is apparently important enough to own a name) are doing baby magic in the potted garden. She is a good witch! She loves to make things grow! She probably isn’t even racist!
Now he is naked, for the blood spell where they rub blood on each other’s faces and then do sex. I am totally relating to this scene because every time I do sex, eggs break and snakes appear and fire starts, it is just how I roll.
Zoe and FrankenKyle are in the car. He is flipping out, he is being a VERY BAD PASSENGER while she explains to him he died. Oh whoops Misty Day is in the back seat. SURPRISE!
And Jesus Christ on a Funeral Pyre we are back in the swamp with more Stevie Nicks (“Rhiannon” this time). Misty is sexplaining to Zoe that Stevie Nicks was the only witch she had ever heard of besides herself, and then she didn’t feel so alone while she was bringing things back from the dead. She is such an earnest bayou hippie. Don’t the words just go right through you? she asks Zoe and Zoe is all like “meh, she’s no Taylor Swift” but yesses her that oh yeah totally, Stevie Nicks, got it. She mentions Misty’s Power of Resurgence. Misty has not put a name to her power before. She smiles, delighted. “We have so much to teach other!” she exclaims, thrilled to her burned-up bones to have found a friend like her. Kyle is still twitchy, because he is a zombie. Zoe is all Exit Stage Left Even, and Misty is upset. But she will keep Kyle, no problem, because now that Zoe is not gonna be her friend, she will need a Zombie Slave to kill shit, like Zoe probs.
And we are back at Marie Laveau’s as she unleashes her Minotaur boyfriend from his shackles. Why didn’t they just take the bull’s head off him? Was LaLaurie actually able to fuse it on with magic? I thought she wasn’t actually magic? She seemed to not be, seeing as how she is all like “WHOA ARE YOU MAGIC? HUH WHUT?”
Fiona finds runaway LaLaurie outside her old house of horrors: “I was a woman of my time,” LaLaurie lies. “That is a crock of shit,” Fiona spits, explaining she either has a real mean streak or a real sick mind. Yeah, one of those, probably. Just a guess.