Feb 16, 2015
Constantine RECAP: Student Bodies (S1:E11)
Open on a group of drunk teenagers drunkenly performing a drunken ritual inside a tomb. This is Constantine, kids, take magic seriously. You guys suck at Latin and you’re going to do something awful by accident. Well, each of them has now been transported to different places, all of them creepy. An even creepier man appears. Then they’re all safely back in the graveyard. See? Your mom wasn’t kidding when she told you not to use that ouija board.
John’s drunk in the house, sad about…something. He’s managed to get his pants off for lounging, but he’s left on his tie and button down. Doesn’t look that comfortable, but okay, weirdo. Manny appears and tells him a friend needs help. Manny did something!
John goes to Ivy University, and it’s Ritchie from the pilot episode! John interrupts his friend’s class, managing to simultaneously flirt with the students and harass Ritchie at the same time. He’s got skillz.
The kids from earlier are students at the university, and one of them sees creepy guy in a reflection and is immediately transported back to his creepy house. Someone asphyxiates him with a plastic bag, and suddenly he’s back in the quad, dead. If this is going to be murder house, jfc let’s just do it.
Ritchie is pretty jaded with his life, and it does legitimately seem to suck. His phone rings, and it’s two of the students from earlier, Adam and Lily. Adam lets him know about Carter, the kid who died in the quad, and says he won’t be coming in for office hours. John and Ritchie investigate the scene a bit and steal one of the attending cops’ notepads. At least we’re not using the magic of plotholes again.
Then they crash Carter’s candlelight vigil to talk to the other students.
John finds out they were in the graveyard and immediately goes to investigate. He quickly discovers the crypt, and Manny shows up so John can tell him how great Ritchie used to be back in the old days before he started being so boring. John performs some kind of spell and glowy symbols appear on the floor.
Miranda, one of the other girls from the graveyard, catches a glimpse of creepy guy in a reflection and is also transported to the creepy house, where she finds a guy with both of his hands cut off!
John tells Ritchie that the glowy symbols were for a ritual for out-of-body travel. Ritchie reveals that he’s been researching a master of out-of-body travel named Jacob Shaw, who’s dead now. And who is Ritchie’s research assistant? Adam, who apparently decided to try out some of Shaw’s spells for himself. It’s all Ritchie’s fault! And John thinks so too. Stupid Ritchie. They set out to look for Adam so they can close the portal.
Adam is already back at the graveyard, doing more chanting. He reappears in the house, and Miranda has a piece of rebar stuck through her middle! She’s still alive, but very scared and hiding in a closet. Creepy guy finds them, and Adam recognizes him as Jacob Shaw. Ooooooo, Jacob’s body may be dead, but his spirit is still doing the out-of-body thing and is batshit insane now. Shaw starts slashing at Adam with a knife, and John and Ritchie get to the graveyard to find Adam’s unconscious body spontaneously starting to bleed. His throat suddenly opens, and he’s dead.
Ritchie discovers Miranda is now dead too, and he feels super guilty about all of it. Even though Adam was the one who decided to do the ritual. He starts to descend into self-loathing, but then shrugs it off and decides he’d rather help the one girl who’s left—Lily.
The three dead students are apparently still alive inside the creepy house. Now in a room full of scary sharp things. Shaw tells them he’s going to chase them and kill them with sharp objects, again and again and again. Adam guesses that Shaw can’t hurt him because his body isn’t actually there, but Shaw proves him wrong with a sledgehammer.
John’s brought Ritchie and Lily back to his house. She decides to call her mom and sees creepy guy reflected in her phone before John and Ritchie can stop her. That’s all it takes for him to get you to his house, dummy! She barricades herself inside one of the rooms and sees Adam, who tells her she can still get out…somehow.
Ritchie’s basically the only one of John’s friends left whose name isn’t in the opening credits, so he’s probably gonna die. :( He’s understandably freaking out, but Manny appears for a second so John’s all like, “Nah, we’ll be fine.” Because Manny’s such a reassuring and helpful guy.
They begin the ritual and appear inside the house. Ritchie hears a kettle whistling and goes to the kitchen to investigate. Brilliant idea. Apparently it is though, because he finds John there. Where there’s tea, there’s British people, I guess. Ritchie thinks he can actually make changes to Shaw’s world since he has a pretty good understanding of Shaw’s magic from his research. Sure enough, he manages to create a door where there wasn’t one before. Through the door they find a different creepy guy—the one who had his hands cut off before. He giggles and wanders away. Shaw appears and introduces himself in that stoic TV serial killer kind of way.
He’s upset that the kids invaded his space, and now it’s obviously his right to kill them. Shaw slits Ritchie’s wrists, but John gives him a pep talk which stops his bleeding. He believes in you, Ritchie, do it! Save us all! Ritchie does. Shaw implodes, the house begins to fall apart, and he even grows flowers in the front yard.
John saves Lily, but the other students refuse to leave, since they have no bodies to return to. They disappear with the house, and Lily is real sad.
Ritchie sends Lily back to the real world and then tells John he’s staying behind in out-of-body land. He was pretty depressed as a professor, so he’d rather stay here and build paradise. I agree with John, it sounds like running away from your problems. Guess a little ridicule is all he needed, because Ritchie comes back to the real world too. He goes back to teaching with a new zest for life. John’s back on the couch drinking again, this time with pants and no tie. Guess ya gotta mix it up sometimes.