Constantine RECAP: Angels Are the Absolute Worst (S1:E7)

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Open on a church advertising revival meetings and a guy pulling up in an old truck. He’s got a box of snakes—just in case you forgot this was set in the South. Apparently his church’s congregation has dwindled, and he now wants to use venomous snakes for his sermons. His sister thinks it’s a bad idea. We see his next service, and it’s clear people haven’t left his church because of anything other than the fact that he’s an awful preacher. He pulls out a snake and waves it around in front of the congregation. The snake bites him and he falls down. DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, NOPE.


His sister tries CPR, because that’s going to cure venom; meanwhile, the snake has mysteriously disappeared. I feel like people would be freaking about the fact that the snake is loose now. As the preacher dies, a red glowing object appears in his left hand and suddenly he awakens. He seems just as surprised as everyone in the congregation and stands up. A man with one leg comes up to the front, having just seen the miracle. The preacher touches him and his leg grows back. Dammit, now all those Evangelicals are going to have some proof their bullshit might be real.

Naked man in an art class! Yay! Also Zed. Shit.

She has a vision of snakes on her legs and screams because apparently she’ll never learn that she has visions and that shit isn’t real. The teacher calls a recess, and the naked man puts on a robe and asks Zed out. Who asks out the girl who just screamed randomly like an idiot? She gives him her number and leaves for Jasper’s house. State of the week according the Marauder’s Map: Kentucky.

Looks like this week is going to be the opposite of last week—Chas is looking after his daughter and won’t be around. See? That’s some shit that would be worth learning about! Chas can’t die, so how old is his daughter? Is it actually his great-great-granddaughter? How old is Chas, really? Who the fuck cares about Zed’s drawing class?

John and Zed pull up to a revival at the church we saw earlier, now packed with people. Apparently the snake didn’t only grant him healing powers, but also the ability to speak eloquently. He heals two people, and Zed and John make some comments about whether the congregation is full of suckers or just people who are “still looking for the magic in life.” Puke. The preacher starts chanting, and John recognizes the language as that of the angels. Zed is like “OMG ANGELS EXIST?” And John’s like “Yes, sadly. They’re the worst.” Anytime now, Manny.

Cut to a doctor’s appointment featuring the man whose leg was regrown earlier. He’s complaining of being hot and sweating a lot. His eyes then go red and he kills the doctor, also putting out the electricity. I told you this wasn’t a miracle.

John and Zed stand in line to meet the preacher, and when she touches him, she has a vision of what he saw when he was dying. We don’t know what he sees, but he’s pretty nonchalant. John refuses to touch the preacher but asks where he learned the language of the angels. The preacher says some bullshit about not questioning what God gives you, and John leaves.

The man with the regrown leg has turned pretty red and is now wandering down a forested road. A cop sees him and gets out of his car to check on him, and the guy promptly kills the cop. This time he runs away on all fours.


Zed says her vision was of how the preacher is actually an awesome guy but he has a lot of blind faith. John believes his healing powers are coming from elsewhere, and at a price. He follows his nose to a nearby lake full of dead fish and thinks the healing is a front for a dark power. If we don’t fucking find out what this dark power is soon, I’m going to be really annoyed. John yells out for Manny, and Zed’s like “OMG you know an angel? That’s AMAZINGGGGGG,” and John’s like “No, this one’s a dick.” Of course Manny doesn’t show up. Because he’s a dick.

Trust me, Roma Downey is full of shit.

Trust me, Roma Downey is full of shit.

The preacher’s sister tries to talk a bit of sense into him because she’s not sure where his power is coming from. The preacher obvs tells her not to question what God wants. Blind faith makes people the worst.

Back at the lake, John performs a ritual to call Manny and it works! Because this time he said “please.” But he appears in Zed’s place so she doesn’t get to meet him, haha. Fuck her. He tells John to face the sun, and I think this is the first time he’s ever done anything helpful! Once he disappears, John tells Zed to face the sun and hum the chant that the preacher did earlier. She does, and we hear a choir echo it back. They follow the sound of singing to a girl laying under a pile of leaves. She gets up and has huge white wings! Maybe this angel will be more useful than Manny, not that that’s hard.

Did someone just talk some shit about Roma Downey?

Did I just hear you talk some shit about Roma Downey?

John wraps his coat around her, and he and Zed guide her to a nearby barn. Zed’s completely tickled and giggling about the whole thing. The angel’s name is Imogen. She tells them that she was taking the preacher to heaven but somehow he plucked a feather from her wing. The feather revived him, and she fell to earth. John says that’s how an angel can take mortal form—damage to the wings.

We don't have a big enough special effects budget to keep those wings out the whole time, so just wear this instead.

We don’t have a big enough special effects budget to keep those wings out the whole time, so just wear this instead.

Manny appears, but Zed can’t see him because she sucks. He kneels next to Imogen and asks if she’s alright. John’s surprised that Manny didn’t even know one of his fellow angels is hurt, but angels are “compartmentalized,” duh John. A human’s never been able to hurt an angel like this before, and Imogen will die if they don’t get the feather back. Actually Zed can’t see Manny because he’s in spirit form and just here to annoy John. Zed is really excited about confirmation of angels existing and has SO MANY QUESTIONS. As if she’d be able to get any answers from them; we all know how futile that is. Jon casts a spell to keep evil away from Imogen until they can get the feather back.

That's a handy spell. Maybe you should use that more often.

That’s a handy spell. Maybe you should use that more often.

A sheriff has come to the preacher’s house looking for Nate, the man whose leg has grown back and is now on a killing spree. The preacher’s sister is coughing up blood, and she refuses to let him heal her. She doesn’t believe this power is coming from God and asks him to be more cautious. The preacher tells her to go away forever because someone with different beliefs is obviously evil.

Zed’s setting up a tent outside the church, and John calls them a “duo.” Uuuggghhhh, does that mean she’s staying? Then John goes to the preacher’s home to speak with him. After he doesn’t believe John’s story about the feather, John reaches out to grab it from around his neck and is thrown back by a white light. He then tells John to leave the house, which he does. Please welcome John Constantine, to be playing the role of pansy.


Nate attacks Zed in her tent, but it’s okay because John with a scythe to the rescue! John manages to kill Nate, and his eyes go back to normal. They then go to see Imogen, and John says Nate had become a ghoul—a being created by magic gone wrong. He read about it online, so it’s obviously correct. Imogen says more will turn up like him because so many have been healed. In case we didn’t know, they really have to get the feather back.

Zed goes to talk to the preacher again, saying that John doesn’t really care about her. She says she wants to be baptized during the gathering at the river that afternoon. When it’s Zed’s turn, she steals the feather from around his neck. You did something, Zed! Good job!

The Bible says you have to wear white and get totally wet. Trust me, it's in there.

The Bible says you have to wear white and get totally wet. Trust me, it’s in there.

When the preacher tries to get it back, this time the white light shoves him back. Everyone on the riverbank who’s been healed suddenly turns evil and goes toward Zed. John runs around whacking them with driftwood.

CONSTANTINE RECAP: Angels Are the Absolute Worst (S1:E7)

Like you haven’t wanted to beat an entire choir with driftwood.

Zed, John, and the preacher get into the church and bar the doors. John sends Zed out the back door with the feather to get back to Imogen.

Meanwhile, Manny asks Imogen what being a human is like. It’s actually really a cool conversation about the pain and wonder that define the human experience. They agree that humans don’t know how blessed they are to have the Earth. Manny believes the angels would do much better with that gift, and Imogen suggests they find a way to take it for themselves. This show needs more of this kind of stuff and less John/Zed closetalking.

Back at the church, John’s single-handedly holding the door shut while the preacher has a nervous breakdown. He admits to John that one night he had been driving drunk and killed a man with his car. He has never told anyone until now. John tells him that because of that night, he was actually on his way to Hell when he took Imogen’s feather. Now John’s changed his mind and doesn’t want Zed to get the feather to Imogen. WTF?

Zed gets to Imogen and replaces the feather. Her wings and clothes turn black, and she looks quite pleased with herself. It seems Imogen is actually a “fallen,” or an angel of Hell. Ah…this isn’t good. So, do the angels not know each other at all? They just see anyone with wings and assume they’re on the same team?

John arrives in time to see Imogen try to leave. The spell he cast to keep evil from getting to her is now keeping her from getting out. Lucky. Imogen puts her hand around Zed’s throat and threatens to kill her if John doesn’t lift the spell. She served in Heaven loyally for hundreds of years and was cast out because she killed a mortal. She tricked the preacher into thinking he was going to heaven and gave him the feather herself so that she would fall to Earth. The ghouls would have brought her the feather and then she could have stayed rather than returning to Hell, which is…awful…apparently. John asks Manny to intervene, but he refuses. Is Zed going to die???????? Imogen is about to kill Zed, but Manny takes her place and rips out Imogen’s heart. He then disappears, leaving Zed holding the still beating heart. Kali Ma, Shakti de. What’s going to happen to Manny now? I was just starting to like him.


Our preacher is back to speaking to a small congregation. Everyone he healed is now back to their previous blind or crippled state. Manny is at Jasper’s for a visit with John, saying he’ll face repercussions of some kind. But what kind, Manny? What kind?! The barrier between Hell and Earth is getting thinner, so it was easier for Imogen to get through. Her heart is still beating, and John’s got it in a jar on a shelf. He has the coolest stuff.

Zed’s in the bathtub, and naked guy from the beginning of the episode calls. She’s stood him up like a jerk. But I guess it’s a good thing because when they hang up we see someone in the backseat of naked guy’s car. He’s creepy and says he’ll see Zed soon. At least this explains why he asked her out in the first place. Just bring Chas back, okay?

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TV Show: Constantine

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