• Agonizer / Text / Santorum Still Sees Threat Of Sponge-On-Snail Sex

Conservatives Thrilled ‘SpongeBob Squarepants’ No Longer A Sissy Welfare Mooch

Take a few moments out of your busy day surfing the internets and watch that SpongeBob promo above. Bear with us. This is going somewhere.

So you checked it out, right, and maybe what you saw was pretty much a critique of the nonsense of job creators, as SpongeBob’s boss fires him mid-shift because it will save him a nickel and because you’re for some reason unable to watch children’s cartoons without deciding there’s an overt political message. SPOILER ALERT: Later in the show, after a period of unemployment, SpongeBob straightens up and flies right and learns to look for another job and looks here like he finds another job because his burger-making skills are in demand. What do you do if you’re a conservative and you’ll grasp at any shred of cultural relevance because otherwise all you’ve got is Ted Nugent? You say SpongeBob is your new conservahero!

If you’re Breitbart, you declare that SpongeBob is a veritable parable for the virtues of self-sufficiency is thumbing its spongy soft nose at the welfare state. If you’re the New York Post, you smugble about how even though he’s depressed, he goes and finds any job that will have him. Let’s take a moment to talk about how that still presumes there are ANY jobs to be had, which is not necessarily the case in the real world and then let’s stop doing that because we are now over-analyzing the adventures of a goddamn cartoon sponge.

This isn’t the first time that conservatives have fixated on the mighty Sponge, as they seem to see him as some sort propaganda machine/cultural weather vane. They had a massive sad when the Department of Education used the Spongy One in a piece of children’s literature to explain that maybe destroying the earth with global warming wasn’t the best idea ever, and they definitely went full panties in a bundle when Spongebob, along with other cute and cuddly cartoons, was enlisted for an anti-bullying video that – horror of horrors – did not carve out an exception about how it is totally cool to bully gay kids, because how the hell else will you make them not gay?

It must be the most exhausting thing ever to watch long-past-its-prime kid television to see if you can find a wee shred of evidence that your tea party howls of rage are being reflected back at you with loving mirrors instead of just getting high and watching 12 episodes of Ren and Stimpy in a row because it is extra fun to sing that log song when you’re fucked up. Also, too, if we’re going to watch cartoon shows that peaked a decade ago, we’re just going to go sing the the doom song because Invader Zim was the SHIT and really spoke to us, probably because we were high.

[Mother Jones/Breitbart/New York Post]

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  • Farb

    Santorum is a pervert with a dirty mind, and he’s into projecting. On a wall. Like Plato.

  • Arcturus

    I just like the phrase “veritable parable.”

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Sponge Bob/Palin 2016!

  • $73376667

    So… if I got high I’d have a legitimate excuse to watch cartoons?Asking for a friend.

  • keinsignal

    Zim was great and all, but did Lux Interior or Jim Jarmusch ever get a cameo on it? No they did not. Spongebob FTW.