Here Is Your Completely Subjective List Of Style Heroes And Fashion Victims From Last Night’s Met Gala
Met Gala! Remember last year when it was punk couture and everyone had to yellcry about how the outfits weren’t punk enough?. Thank god this year was a tribute to Charles James, who did delightfully complex couture and has been dead since 1978, so people couldn’t whine as much about wardrobe choices. However, this year people can probably whine about the fact that Michelle Obama showed up on her private plane dripping with blood diamonds and the bodies of the murdered Benghazi heroes to cut the ribbon for the dedication of Anna Wintour’s new section at the Met. Did Michelle look great? Of course she did.
Some people did not look great, however. As with any fancy-dress event, however, there were hits and oh Jesus were there misses. Let’s deal with the good looks first.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Parker gets unfairly mocked for her fashion choices, for “Sex and the City,” for having a face that isn’t conventionally beautiful, you name it. Basically, she gets shit for doing things some ladies like, which is automatically frippery or something. We’re not even trying to hear that. She’s one of the most reliably solid dressers when it comes to couture, and this Oscar De La Renta number is no exception.
She has a cape! It’s a Dior dress (of course, since Charlize is the current face of Dior’s fragrance). She’s Charlize Theron. What more do you need to know? If you stare long enough at its perfection, you can forget she arrived at the Gala with Sean Penn.
Awww, look at the flying tomato! He’s all grown up! Seriously, with that haircut and that sharp bit of formal dress (and the scarf! the fucking scarf!) Shaun White looks grown and sexy, for real.
Oh hello, Sherlock. Are you looking perfect and British in your formalwear? Yes you are. Are you wearing a fucking watch chain? We think so! And that alone puts this over the top.
HuffPo nailed it: Reese looks Old Hollywood all the way here, and it’s perfect. She could be walking the red carpet in any year from the mid 1950s until today in that dress. Perfect.
Fortified by good looks? Ready for the worst? Let’s do this.
Honestly, we have no idea what is going on here. Saldana, of Avatar and Star Trek reboot fame, is stone cold gorgeous, but this dress looks like garbage — as in literally a garbage bag, wadded together in the middle. Terrible.
Did someone tell her it was a cocktail party instead of a fancy dress event? Also, that high waist makes her look like a weird doll that bends in the middle instead of at the pelvis.
Rocky, you are a mighty fine rapper, but a terrible dresser. Your pants are far too long, and you decided to solve this by jamming them into some boots in a really wrinkly way, and your jacket looks like it belongs to someone else and you didn’t wear a tie. You are a grown rich person now Rocky and you can afford your very own tux.
You guys, you know we think Lena Dunham looks great naked, but Christ her choice in clothing is the worst, and never does her body any favors. The higher front/longer back thing she has going on here makes it look like the front part of the dress got caught in her foundation garments.
Remember when Johnny Depp was weird, but in a smoldering sexy mysterious way? Now he’s just weird in a really weird way. The coat that is so wide and sits so oddly that it looks like he is wearing jodhpurs? The cane? The haircut that looks like he went to Great Clips and asked for a Johnny Depp haircut? All bad bad bad. We will not mock the tinted glasses, though, because they are apparently actually A Thing he needs to see, tint and all. But we’ll never forgive the fucking cane.
Special bonus most controversial outfit!
Everyone loves Lupita Nyong’o. Of this there is no doubt. And Lupita usually kills it dead on the red carpet wherever she goes, but many people had a sad about this dress. Many thinkpieces will be written. Nations will fight each other over their opinions of this dress. The divide will scar us forever.
Fuck that, we are on Team Lupita on this one. That thing is gorgeous and complicated and looks like nothing else anyone has worn ever and it is on Lupita. End of discussion.
[Thumbnail photo of Reese Witherspoon by PR Photos]