Nov 5, 2019
Here Is Your Not-At-All-Complete List Of People Who Will Buy The Clippers Out From Under Racist Donald Sterling
Now that Donald Sterling has been suspended 4LYFE from the NBA, everyone is lining up to say they’d buy the Clippers, which is probably what the NBA hoped. Force a sale and get this guy gone. Since Magic Johnson has denied reports that he’d consider buying the team, we’re forced to consider the other candidates, likely and otherwise.
(1) Dr Dre
Dre, who is worth $550 million, told TMZ Sports he’d be down to buy the Clippers. We love Dre, but we’d only be feeling this if Snoop is the co-owner, particularly since Snoop has already made his feelings on the Sterling matter clear. Added bonus: it might result in another Snoop-Dre collaboration, because we need a solid one of those every decade or so.
(2) Rick Ross and P Diddy
These two proposals keep getting reported together, so maybe Ross and Diddy are considering a joint purchase. A joint enterprise might make sense, given that Ross is a longtime fan of pretending to be a member of a cartel.
(3) Oscar De La Hoya
La Hoya, who is an LA hometown boy born and raised, has expressed interest. Dude has 30 knockout wins to his name. If he wants the team, give him the fucking team.
(4) Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
Mayweather says he’s in if he can put together a team of buyers, and he’d keep the team in LA instead of moving them to Vegas. Dude has been undefeated HIS ENTIRE CAREER. We’d recommend you give him the Clippers just for that, but then we remembered that he beats women, so do not let Floyd Mayweather buy the team kthx.
Oprah said she’s putting together a bid with Larry Ellison and David Geffen, but we are not feeling that. Listen up, white people, including David Geffen, Larry Ellison, Billy Crystal and Ronan Farrow’s Kickstarter idea: you do not get to buy the Clippers. Enough white people already own basketball teams. Leave this to the rappers and boxers and ballers of all stripes. We’re sure there will be a biotech company or a movie studio that you pale-ish types can buy soon anyway. Besides, Oprah can probably just pay cash. which would really speed this whole thing up.