Comcast finds new way to hate you

Comcast hates you, as you well know. The latest thumb in your eye is Comcast’s laughable attempt to get into the streaming business next year. Naturally, Comcast doesn’t want you to go cable cutting, or to be happy, or to experience love and fulfillment in this lifetime, so the creatively named “Comcast Stream” provides you with nothing you want and makes it a pain in the ass to get it. Hey, points for consistency, I guess.

Comcast south park

First off, if you think the internet or streaming has anything to do with mobility, Comcast’s own press release says, and I quote, “Fuck you.”

You can get Comcast Stream at home and that’s it. It only works if you’re connected to the internet through Comcast and you’re using your home’s IP address. Leave the house, and you’re screwed. Leave Comcast, and you’re… well, a thousand times happier, but still unable to get access.

Oh, and Comcast Stream only works on a mobile device, not your TV. Apple TV, Roku, and the like won’t work. So the service requires you to be in a specific place but use a screen small enough to be mobile. This is a bit like building all the luxury boxes at your football stadium to face the parking lot.

Comcast call very important

Some of you are thinking, “Okay, sure, that sucks… but I’d still be willing to hook an iPad up to my big screen TV screen and watch low-res television if it meant I could get rid of my monthly cable bill.” Don’t worry, Comcast has thought of you, too, and has figured out how to fill your bicycle seat with rusty razor blades, metaphorically speaking (probably). Because we haven’t even gotten into the programming yet…

What’s included in Comcast Stream? All your local broadcast networks! You know, the ones you don’t even have to pay Comcast to get. Plus, Streampix. Not familiar with Streampix? You probably already get it from Comcast for free but don’t realize it because no one has ever used it, ever, for anything. It’s a section of On Demand filled with movies that even the stars’ mothers have already forgotten existed. It makes Crackle look like Netflix, and you’ve probably never heard of Crackle either.

Want AMC? TBS? CNN? Not gonna happen. The only cable channel included is HBO.

Wait… HBO IS AWESOME!

Yeah, but HBO also just launched HBO Now, an actual streaming service that works anywhere, anytime, on any device, like an actual streaming service.

And Comcast Stream is the same price as HBO Now—$15 per month—so you’ve gotta decide if getting your local broadcast channels added in is worth all of Comcast Stream’s preposterous, artificial restrictions.

Comcast eCard

Cable television is near the end of its lifespan. And if Comcast wants to die with it, this is the perfect way to go about it.

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  • Ryan Hupp

    And don’t forget that Comcast has yet to allow subscribers to stream HBO Now on Sony devices (PS3 and PS4), despite the fact that the app’s been available for over a year. Because they need to do “testing” for “compatibility” and “Sony” needs to “pay them” with “money.” Fuck Comcast with a million spiny dicks.