"Clean Your Room Or I’ll Make You Watch Standard Cable, Young Lady!"

Television is your friend. Cable is your friend’s addiction to My Little Pony porn. It’s up to all of us to sit down and calmly explain to television that it needs help, that we love it, and we only want what’s best for it. And when that doesn’t work, we beat some common sense into it with a sledgehammer.

The latest sledgehammer is a survey of parents about their children’s television viewing habits, because children are our whiny, spoiled, entitled future. That big flat apparatus against the wall is no longer the first choice of viewing screens for the age 2-to-12 set. The majority would rather watch their television some other way, such as a tablet or smartphone, because spoiled.

Having fewer iPads than children is already a Class C misdemeanor in 12 states.

Having fewer iPads than children is already a Class C misdemeanor in 12 states.

We’ve mentioned more than once that cable is going to die sooner rather than later, and for the majority of children today, cable is dead to them already. A mobile device lets you stream what you want, when you want, by yourself, with no commercials or compromising, and 57% of parents say their child prefers it that way because of course they do.

These are professional children being paid for their time. Actual children would be on their smartphone, tablet, Kindle, and meth.

These are professional children who are highly paid for their time. Actual children would simultaneously be on their smartphone, iPad, Kindle, and meth.

In fact, it’s gotten so bad that “nearly 50% of parents say that when their kids misbehave, to punish them, they take away their tablet and make them just ‘watch TV instead’—creating a generation of kids for whom ‘TV is punishment,’” says Robert Miner, founder and CEO of Miner & Co. Studio, which conducted the study.

Just think, only 75 years ago people were so starved for entertainment they actually stared at the radio.

Just think, only 75 years ago people were so starved for entertainment they actually stared at the radio.

Television, we love you. It’s time for you to be strong and put aside your dependence on cable. For the children.

You may also like...