Here Are The Classiest Things In The Oscar Nominee Swag Bag

Don’t you wish you’d get a ton of free shit even when you are a loser? Of course you do! That’s why you should be sadmad AND envious about the Oscar nominee swag bag, which everyone gets just for getting an Oscar nod. This year, it is crammed full of $85,000 worth of stuff.

For the past 12 years, Distinctive Assets has been putting together the “Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bag.”

This year’s basket costs nearly double the price of last year’s with more than 50 gifts ranging in price from $6.50 to $16,000.

Man oh man oh man there is SO MUCH STUFF in there that is ridiculous even though it is free stuff. You know full well that stars throw most of this away before leaving the theater or take this thing home and give all the low-rent stuff to the help. Business Insider has the full list, but we only want to talk about the soooooper classiest free things stars will get.

Something called a DrainWig, that keeps hair out of your drain.


Don’t stars have oodles of minions to keep hair out of their drains already?

Weight-loss sensation Hydroxycut!

Hydroxycut used to do cool things like give people seizures, but we’re sure it is totally OK now!

Pepper spray in pink for the ladies


…and camo for the gentlemen.


The O-Shot, an orgasm shot for women. No, really.

First the doctor or nurse applies a numbing cream to the vagina and the arm. Then blood is drawn from the arm in the same was as with any blood test. Then, using a centrifuge and a special method, platelet rich plasma is isolated the resultant growth factors. The whole process takes about 10 minutes and can be done there in the room with the patient. Then, using a very thin needle, the growth factors are injected the clitoris and into the upper vagina into an area most important for the sexual response, the O-Spot. Because these areas have been numbed with the anesthetic cream, the woman feels little or no pain.

OK then.

There’s also $5,000 worth of laser hair removal and $16,000 towards having a robot give you a hair transplant, AND they get the thing to keep hair out of the drain, so pretty much all hair-related needs are covered.

The very rich are indeed different, as they apparently have many more haircare issues that are so pressing they require an avalanche of free assistance in dealing with them. Oh well. Having too much hair or too little hair or hair in the wrong places seems like a small price to pay to get a bag that also includes a $9,000 trip to Vegas and a home spa. Man, we need to go to acting school.

[Business Insider]

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