‘Christian’ College Wants Special Right To Hate The Gays, Keep Its Tax Dollars, Just Like Jesus

'Christian' College Wants Special Right To Hate The Gays, Keep Its Tax Dollars, Just Like Jesus

Now that the Supreme Court has decided it is constitutionally okey-dokey to refuse to comply with federal law so long as you SINCERELY do not like that law, guess what is happening. It is amazing. You may want to sit down for this because it will completely blow your mind because of how no one could have predicted this would happen.


Gordon College President D. Michael Lindsay was among 15 Christian leaders who penned a letter to the Obama administration earlier this month in which they reasoned that under the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in the Hobby Lobby case, their institutions should be exempt from federal anti-LGBT discrimination laws.

Gordon College, Lindsay argued, is an “explicitly Christian institution,” and as such, should be allowed to fire LGBT employees on the basis of their orientation, or to refuse to hire them at all with impunity.

This is Gordon College, according to Gordon College:

Gordon College is one of the nation’s premier Christian colleges and located just north of Boston. We offer students extraordinary access to leading-edge opportunities for intellectual, professional, and leadership development to address the increasingly complex challenges of a global society. Gordon stands apart from other outstanding institutions in New England by combining an exceptional education with an informed Christian faith.

Aw, that’s nice. Doesn’t that sound nice? It is like Harvard, basically, with the leading-edge education and the changing leaves and all, but with extra Jesus on top. Awwww.

You know what doesn’t sound so nice and awwww though? Asking the president to pretty please be exempt from the law that says if you do business with the United States Government of America, you are not allowed to discriminate against The Gay because that is bad and wrong, and if you insist on discriminating against The Gay, even though it is bad and wrong, no, you do not get to use taxpayer dollars to do it. Sorry. Be an asshole — for Jesus! — if you must, but you can pay for it yourself. Asshole.

Naturally, these really nice and awwww institutions, including Gordon College, think that is mean and unfair and blah blah fucking blah Religious Liberty BlahTM because how can they possibly be good Christians if they are not allowed to also be assholes? They SINCERELY believe that being assholes is an inherent part of their faith, and if they cannot be assholes, well, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT? (I don’t know, maybe the point is to “offer students extraordinary access to leading-edge opportunities for intellectual, professional, and leadership development to address the increasingly complex challenges of a global society,” like it says on Gordon College’s website? Maybe THAT should be the point, maybe, do you think, MAYBE?)

No. Of course not. These really Christian Christians claim it is downright UNPOSSIBLE to love thy neighbor and be decent to poor people ‘n stuff, if they have to spend any energy whatsoever not being assholes. And that is why they are asking the president to pretty please keep sending them that sweet, sweet government money, but without all those burdensome regulations that require them to not be assholes because that is none of the government’s business, even if it is the government’s business, on account of how they are getting government dollars, hello.

Shockingly, that is not how Gordon College sees it. President Michael Lindsay recently published a letter to explain why he signed on to the “Please let us keep being assholes, for Jesus” letter, because for some strange reason, his signature “has resulted in confusion, hurt feelings and disappointment among the Gordon community.” It is not like he is trying to hurt anyone’s feelings by seeking permission to be assholes to The Gay. He is just trying to be a good Christian, because that’s what Gordon College is all about.


Signing the letter was in keeping with our decades-old conviction that, as an explicitly Christian institution, Gordon should set the conduct expectations for members of our community. Nothing has changed in our position.

Of course, there is no law (yet) that says Gordon College cannot do whatever the hell it wants, including being assholes to The Gay, or as Lindsay puts it, setting its own “conduct expectations,” which I think is supposed to be a nice way of saying “telling The Gay they cannot gay at Gordon.” Gordon can discriminate all it wants (for now). It just can’t use my money and your money to do it because contrary to mythology, this is the United States of America, not the United States of Jesus, and also it is the 21st century, for fuck’s sake, and hating the gay is just so old school and un-American that even Justice Anthony Kennedy is like, “That is fucking stupid and old school and come on, let’s get over this whole gay-hating thing already, m’kay?”

However, President Lindsay is adamant that seeking permission to be assholes to The Gay is definitely not about seeking permission to be assholes to The Gay.

Be assured that nothing has changed in our position regarding admission or employment. We have never barred categories of individuals from our campus and have no intention to do so now. We have always sought to be a place of grace and truth, and that remains the case. As a Christian college, we are all followers of Christ. As long as a student, a faculty member, or a staff member supports and lives by our community covenant documents, they are welcome to study or work at Gordon.

One might wonder, then, if one were the wondering type, what the “community covenant documents” say. One might then want to hang oneself when one cannot find the aforementioned documents after searching the school’s website and then the entire goddamned interwebs because the first rule about the community covenant documents, apparently, is that you do not get to read them. However, if one is diligent enough, one can locate the college’s Behavioral Standards, which “are binding on all members of the Gordon community.” And gosh, look what we have here.

Those words and actions which are expressly forbidden in Scripture, including but not limited to blasphemy, profanity, dishonesty, theft, drunkenness, sexual relations outside marriage, and homosexual practice, will not be tolerated in the lives of Gordon community members, either on or off campus.

I know, I know. Good Christian Christians like to say they have nothing against the sinner who is going to burn in everlasting gay hell for gays, they just take issue with the sin for which they will burn in everlasting gay hell for gays. Which I guess is how the president of the college justifies not firing himself for “dishonesty” by claiming the college has “never barred categories of individuals” because they do not bar the category of individuals who are gay, they just forbid the the category of individuals who “practice” gay, which sure sounds like the exact same thing because they are barring a category of individuals but just using a whole lot of words to explain how that is somehow different even though, um, no, it is not.


And, in case you were wondering, the college does not explicitly forbid the practice of wearing polyester, let’s not be ridiculous, everyone knows God wasn’t serious about that part.

Now, because Gordon College has decided to jump on the “can we pretty please not follow the law, Mr. President?” bandwagon, the New England Association of Schools and Colleges’ Commission on Institutions of Higher Education is going to determine whether Gordon “is violating the commission’s nondiscrimination policies, even if it manages to evade federal laws.” Which means that Gordon could lose its accreditation altogether, on account of how it discriminates against the category of individuals who “practice” The Gay, even if President Obama sighs and shrugs and says, “Fine, whatever, I don’t even care anymore, I am so fucking out of here in two years.” So now, in addition to possibly losing its federal monies, Gordon might lose the right to even call itself a real college, and gosh, isn’t that so unfortunate, all because Gordon College was dragged into this whole mess against its will by dragging itself into this whole mess. As Lindsay explains:

In general practice, Gordon tries to stay out of politically charged issues, and I sincerely regret that the intent of this letter has been misconstrued, and that Gordon has been put into the spotlight in this way. My sole intention in signing this letter was to affirm the College’s support of the underlying issue of religious liberty, including the right of faith-based institutions to set and adhere to standards which derive from our shared framework of faith, and which we all have chosen to embrace as members of the Gordon community.

I hope this helps to provide greater understanding of the College’s position and my actions in this matter. I want to thank those who have written to express their love and concern for Gordon and for all that you have done to bless and support the ministry of Gordon College.

Yes, Mr. President Lindsay, sir, I believe this does help provide greater understanding of your position. You would like to hate The Gay, like you have always done — for Jesus! — and you would like to continue receiving MY tax dollars to do it, like you have always done, but you would like the president to explicitly tell you that is totally okay and fine because you SINCERELY BELIEVE it should be.

In other words, you, Mr. President Lindsay, sir, are an asshole. And if it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER that you continue to be an asshole — for Jesus! — because you SINCERELY believe that’s what Jesus would do, go ahead and be an asshole with your own money, but leave the government and your fellow Americans and their tax dollars out of it. Asshole.


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