Christ likes his bride well armed, says Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson

If I were going to put ridiculous words in the mouth of an overtly right-wing Republican TV preacher to be funny—and it’s totally the kind of thing I’m likely to do—I’d probably come up with something like, “Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”


But then Pat Robertson has to go and say exactly fucking that!

What’s a humorist to do? I’m becoming nothing more than a stenographer.

Here’s more from The 700 Club host on Tuesday’s broadcast:

“Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize,” he continued. “The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

I think Ted Nugent may have found himself a new church. No, no… Robertson is joking about fully automatic military weaponry, of course, although not by much. Churches, he says, need handguns. STAT.

“I really believe that if the bad guys understand that the citizenry are able to react against them then they won’t be as free to go into a crowded mall or a school or a church and start blowing people out.”

An armed church is a polite church. And by “polite,” I mean that whack-a-doodle gunmen politely and carefully calculate the ramifications of their actions before opening fire. Of course they do. They’d be crazy not to.

“I do believe that that if people are trained with firearms, and they’re able to protect themselves, I don’t think it will lead to more violence, it will lead to less,” he continued. “The idea of having citizens who are trained or to have off-duty police in your church is not a bad thing.”

Yes, it’s every gun nut’s fantasy: you hear shots fired—everyone else runs  away but you rush forward—you coolly unholster your firearm and turn off the safety—there’s the gunman, back turned, unobstructed—you carefully aim at the back of the perp’s head, then unload two rounds into his skull before he hits the floor. The rest is cheering crowds, FOX News interviews, blow jobs from Meghan McCain, and a seat next to Darrell Issa at the next State of the Union.

Never mind that actual church shootings typically don’t happen during services. They’re just your run-of-the-mill domestic violence situations or robberies gone wrong. Not really any bystanders, armed or otherwise.

Okay, okay, there are exceptions. A crazed Christian gunman killed six people at a service inside a Sikh temple in 2012. And a crazed Christian gunman killed two people at a service inside a Unitarian church in 2008. And a crazed Christian gunman killed an abortion doctor during a Christian church service in 2009.

Funny that Brother Pat didn’t mention any of those.

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