Check Your Privilege, Audrey Hepburn’s Dove-Chocolate-Shilling Ghost!

audrey hepburn breakfast at tiffany'sMichael Hiltzik at the LA Times brings to our attention Ghost Audrey Hepburn shilling for Dove chocolate bars. He is all blah blah blah whine whine whine “uncanny valley and greedy heirs.” But he leaves out the most salient fact of all, and that is that Ghost Audrey Hepburn is being fucking rude.

Okay, the other salient fact is that the CGI geniuses who made Audrey Hepburn’s face have Ghost Audrey Hepburn batting her eyes like she is actually brain-damaged. To whom does that appeal???? You? Does it appeal to you? Then maybe you should hail an Uber back to STEPFORD, JERK.

Now let us look at Ghost Audrey Hepburn’s manners. SHE STEALS A POOR OLD BUSDRIVER’S HAT. JUST FUCKING TAKES IT. We are not people who go on and on about “white privilege,” we leave that for searing indictments of white ladies belly dancing on Egyptian ladies’ backs, but WHO JUST GOES UP AND TAKES A POOR MAN’S HAT.

Fucking Audrey Hepburn does, that’s who!

Then she is eyefucking the hot dude in the fancy car, and he is like “momma mia, let’sa makea the love in the moonlight. Spaghetti.” And she gets in his back seat and puts the busdriver’s hat on him, because get it, every man is her chauffeur. That’s right. Ghost Audrey Hepburn is a misandrist and Female Chauffeurist Pig.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How about the fact that you don’t just get into a stranger’s car, even a hot dude’s Rolls or whatever on the Riviera? Did the makers of Dove chocolate bars think about the terrible things that can happen to Ghost Audrey Hepburn? Did it occur to them that maybe they could be setting her up to get triggered every time she thinks about Rolls Royces, or spaghetti, or tan guys, or hats? Those are a lot of fucking things to have to avoid on account of your post-ghost-rape PTSD.

And that’s why you shouldn’t sell your dead mother’s image to shill chocolate bars and be rude.


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  • PubOption

    Wherever she’s going the car driver is going her way.

  • beavertank

    The next time we see Ghost Audrey Hepburn it’ll be in an Italian episode of Policia Municipale: SVU.

  • Looks like they got the same people to animate or “exhume” Ms Hepburn as those who animate those nice animated Barbie made-for-tv movies. Realistic and classy = real classy

  • TheLifeSilica
  • Jaime Oria

    If I e-mail that writer at Slate, do you think she’d tell what I should now do with the two cans of foul mudammas I just bought at the Lebanese grocery store?

    • thepoliticalcat

      How foul are they?

      • Jaime Oria

        Not being a speaker of Arabic, I think it’s pronounced ‘fule’ as in ‘as any fule no’. That’s the problem with transcribing other languages using the Roman alphabet – see also the eleventy-jillion ways to spell the late dictator of Libya’s name.

        • thepoliticalcat

          I’m not a native speaker, but having eaten ful medammes all my life, and having a name that transcribes poorly, I know only too well of wut you speak. And all that shit.

    • Annie Towne

      That writer at Slate as seriously pissed me off. While I’m slapping her around, I’ll ask: “And what! The fuck! Do we DO! With the fucking! MUDAMMAS?!?” and then get back to you.

  • Lazy Media

    That is actually a 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SC with the hood ornament CGI’d out of the shot (or maybe Audrey Hepburn STOLED IT, because she is a klepto bitch apparently). You could buy one if you have $850,000 lying around in your couch cushions or wherever. HYPERINFLATION!!! THANKS, OBAMA!

  • Klem Johansen

    Audrey looks like an entitled asshole. Fuck the poors on the bus, she says. I’ve got choclate. Bus driver, I have metaphorically castrated you and replaced you with a younger version of yourself to further emasculate you. Now drive me, dammit! I refuse to disclose the destination. Andare! Andare!

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