Check Your Privilege, Audrey Hepburn’s Dove-Chocolate-Shilling Ghost!

audrey hepburn breakfast at tiffany'sMichael Hiltzik at the LA Times brings to our attention Ghost Audrey Hepburn shilling for Dove chocolate bars. He is all blah blah blah whine whine whine “uncanny valley and greedy heirs.” But he leaves out the most salient fact of all, and that is that Ghost Audrey Hepburn is being fucking rude.

Okay, the other salient fact is that the CGI geniuses who made Audrey Hepburn’s face have Ghost Audrey Hepburn batting her eyes like she is actually brain-damaged. To whom does that appeal???? You? Does it appeal to you? Then maybe you should hail an Uber back to STEPFORD, JERK.


Now let us look at Ghost Audrey Hepburn’s manners. SHE STEALS A POOR OLD BUSDRIVER’S HAT. JUST FUCKING TAKES IT. We are not people who go on and on about “white privilege,” we leave that for searing indictments of white ladies belly dancing on Egyptian ladies’ backs, but WHO JUST GOES UP AND TAKES A POOR MAN’S HAT.

Fucking Audrey Hepburn does, that’s who!

Then she is eyefucking the hot dude in the fancy car, and he is like “momma mia, let’sa makea the love in the moonlight. Spaghetti.” And she gets in his back seat and puts the busdriver’s hat on him, because get it, every man is her chauffeur. That’s right. Ghost Audrey Hepburn is a misandrist and Female Chauffeurist Pig.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How about the fact that you don’t just get into a stranger’s car, even a hot dude’s Rolls or whatever on the Riviera? Did the makers of Dove chocolate bars think about the terrible things that can happen to Ghost Audrey Hepburn? Did it occur to them that maybe they could be setting her up to get triggered every time she thinks about Rolls Royces, or spaghetti, or tan guys, or hats? Those are a lot of fucking things to have to avoid on account of your post-ghost-rape PTSD.

And that’s why you shouldn’t sell your dead mother’s image to shill chocolate bars and be rude.


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