Mar 15, 2021
Chaos reigns (in primetime): Wandavision “The Series Finale”
Previously on WandaVision: Agatha pored through Wanda’s memories and deduced that she was the prophesied Scarlet Witch, a thing we’re not quite sure what it is, except that it means you can do magic without a bunch of fancy book learnin’, and also you can bring your dead husband back to life as a phantom and have a bunch of phantom kids with him if you’re sad enough. Hayward has a new toy: an evil white Vision made from the dead Vision’s remains, and he’s going to send it in after Wanda, because the reality-warping powers of the Hex field don’t seem to be a thing anymore. The evil alternate Pietro still has Monica Rambeau locked up. I’m really starting to worry that they’re never going to let us know what happened to that beekeeper.
Agatha is still holding the twins by their magical leashes. Wanda warns Agatha that she’s outside now and her powers work again. “I’m counting on it,” says Agatha. Wanda doesn’t take the hint and hits her with a blast of magic. Agatha gets up and cradles the red energy ball in her hand. She explains that she can siphon magic from other witches, and advises Wanda to give up her Chaos magic and scram while she still can.
Wanda hits her with a levitating car, but Agatha disappears just in time.
The creepy white Vision shows up. It momentarily fools Wanda before beginning to crush her head in its hands. Finally, after an episode and a half’s worth of travel, the good red Vision shows up and knocks the other Vision away. Wanda apologizes profusely and Vision understands. She and Vision both take to the sky to fight their respective enemies.
Meanwhile, Monica Rambeau is across the street inside Fake Pietro’s house, shouting at Wanda to come get her out. “You’re wasting your breath, babe,” says Fake Pietro. “No one can hear you in here.” He zooms to block her from the doorway, and with a super-speed flick of his finger knocks her across the room.
The big showdown is being observed from afar by Hayward at SWORD, who’s just brought in Agent Woo. Woo lays the whole “you’ll never get away with this!” routine on him, but Hayward says there aren’t any WandaVision broadcasts anymore (did he check to see if it was streaming?), so no one will ever know there was more than one Vision. And no one will ask too many questions once the scary witch who was terrorizing a whole town is out of the picture. Hayward’s phone is ringing and Woo discreetly picks it up with his handcuffed hands. They throw Woo into a barn, where he picks his handcuffs, dials his boss with the stolen phone, and asks for backup.
Agatha and Wanda are in the town square now, and Agnes causes the Darkhold AKA the Book of Sins to materialize, and fills Wanda in on the chapter devoted to her. She says Wanda is destined to destroy the world, but Wanda protests. Agatha lifts Wanda’s mind control and allows some deprogrammed townspeople to beg for their lives and families to guilt Wanda.
Back at Chez Pietro, Monica has found a bank statement—and for some reason, a headshot?—proving that the guy walking around in front of her isn’t Pietro Maximoff, nor any alternate-universe version of him, but a guy who lives here named Ralph Bohner. Heh, “bohner”. She judo-throws him and pins him under her knee. Her vague new powers make the puka shell necklace he’s wearing glow blue, and she rips it off, causing the true Ralph to re-emerge and beg for his life. Monica whisks him to the hospital to fix all the catastrophic damage that all the super-speed assuredly did to Ralph’s normal, non-superpowered body. I mean, they don’t show this, but it must have happened, right?
Tommy and Billy are watching their two dads shoot lasers at each other from their bedroom window. Whichever one has the psychic powers has a flash that their mom is in danger and they have to go. Out in the town square, the pleading of the townspeople has got Wanda in such a tizzy that she conjures magic ropes and chokes them to make them all shut up. She lifts the enchantment after she realizes what she’s done. Agatha taunts her. “Heroes don’t torture people,” she says, and Wanda can’t really argue with that. So Wanda erupts a red column of magic to the sky and cracks begin to form in the wall of the Hex around the town. Hayward sees his opportunity to move his people in.
Unfortunately, Wanda dismantling the illusion world she’s created also means dismantling Good Vision. He weakens and Evil Vision knocks him to the ground. The twins arrive, and they too are beginning to disintegrate. Agatha gleefully points out that Wanda’s family is tied to this fake nightmare world. Unable to sacrifice her domestic fantasy, Wanda closes the border back up around Westview.
Agatha hits the newly gathered family with a purple blast. Wanda conjures a red bubble to protect them, allowing Agatha to siphon the red Chaos magic for herself. Wanda’s hands become gray and withered like those of the witches we saw Agatha kill in “Previously On”.
Evil Vision shows up, as does Hayward, along with a couple of trucks full of SWORD goons. Agatha levitates the goons into the air as the Visions recommence fighting. “There’ll always be pitchforks and torches for ladies like us,” Agatha says. She drops the troops and Wanda saves them from falling damage, and the MCU’s patented pre-battle music stings start up. “Handle the military,” she tells the twins. “Mommy will be right back.” The twin with Wanda’s powers freezes all the soldiers in place with his mind, while the twin with Pietro’s powers steals all their guns.
Monica arrives, just as Hayward fires a gun at the twins in cold blood. Monica steps in front of the bullets and activates some sort of matter-phasing powers and her body absorbs the bullets harmlessly, slowing them down and causing them to fall dead in the air once they exit. One bullet flies over her shoulder, but Wanda-Powers Twin stops it with telekinesis. I’m really going to have to keep track of their real names, aren’t I? Furious, Hayward gets in a truck and backs up to run them over, but Darcy shows up and uses her power of slapstick to ram him with the food truck she’s driving, trapping Hayward inside, presumably without a phone or radio or any way to solicit help.
In the library where the two Visions are fighting, Good Vision has come up with a logic trap to ensnare Evil Vision, like they might do to an evil computer on Star Trek. He appeals to the Ship of Theseus thought experiment, the knowledge of which Evil Vision has somehow been programmed with. See, Evil Vision’s programming is to destroy the Vision… but Good Vision isn’t the “true” Vision, since he was created by magic. Evil Vision isn’t the true Vision either, since he no longer has the Mind Stone in him and can’t remember ever being Vision. Good Vision uses his powers to unlock the memories stored inside Evil Vision, and all of a sudden he’s not Evil Vision anymore. His eyes turn from menacing neon blue to normal, and he flies away to do… something.
Wanda incapacitates Agatha by inducing a nightmare where Agatha’s back on that stake in 1693, with a circle of dead witches around her. “See,” Wanda says, “the difference between you and me is: you did this on purpose.” She makes all the dead witches reanimate and menace Agatha. But then the witches recognize Wanda as the Scarlet Witch fated to destroy the world, so they put her on the stake instead. A crown of red light, which looks like the crown from her “Sokovian fortune teller” costume, appears on Wanda’s head.
“Power isn’t your problem,” Agatha says, “but knowledge.” She offers to correct the flaws in Wanda’s spell for her, and let her and her phantom family live in peace forever.
They return to the present, high in the sky, where Wanda begins flinging magic at Agatha, knowing she’ll just absorb it. “Take it!” she shouts. “I don’t want it!” Good Vision (I guess I should just call him Red Vision now) tries to stop her, but she traps him behind a magic barrier. She keeps flinging magic, not stopping until Agatha has all of it. Agatha then explains she was lying about being able to fix the spell.
But when Agatha tries to kill Wanda once and for all, her magic fails. The clouds suddenly part around them, and Wanda reveals that when it looked like she was trying to shoot magic at Agatha and missed, what she was actually doing was writing magic runes on the barrier of the Hex surrounding Westview, keeping Agatha from using her magic. Triumphantly, Wanda makes her Scarlet Witch crown appear, explodes in a dazzle of red light, and reabsorbs all the magic Agatha just stole and then some.
Back on the ground, Wanda, in a groovy new outfit, announces her intention to lock up Agatha in this fake world, under her original role of “Agnes”, but Agatha protests. “You have no idea what you’ve unleashed,” says Agatha, sequel-setting-up-ingly. “You’re gonna need me.”
“If I do,” Wanda says, “I know where to find you.” She touches Agatha and turns her back into Agnes the nosey neighbor from the 1950s sitcom world.
Vision congratulates Wanda on her emotional breakthrough, with a bittersweet tinge, knowing that the end of this fantasy world means the end of him and the boys, too. They go home and tuck the boys into bed one last time. Wanda says she’s proud of them, and thanks them for “choosing” her to be their mom. Wanda and Vision go to their living room, where Wanda explains what Vision is: a construction from the part of the Mind Stone that lives inside her, and a projection of her feelings. “We’ve said goodbye before,” says Vision, “so it stands to reason…”
“We’ll say hello again,” says Wanda. Might want to check that logic there, Mr. Robot.
After a tearful goodbye, the illusion’s all gone away. Wanda’s back in her hoodie at the empty lot that Vision bought for her, and she has to do a walk of shame past all the townspeople she’s been torturing all week. “They’ll never know what you sacrificed for them,” says Monica.
“It wouldn’t change how they see me,” Wanda says. Monica admits she’d bring her own mother back from the dead if she had Wanda’s power.
Mid-Credits Scene: Monica is ushered into the town’s movie theater on some pretext by an official-looking woman wearing a badge. Once inside, the woman reveals herself as a Skrull, and explains that a guy who wasn’t paid enough to be in this series wants to meet with her in space.
Post-Credits Scene: Wanda is hiding out from the authorities somewhere in the ending of Minority Report. She peers at snow-capped mountains from the porch of her rustic cabin, then hears the teakettle on the wood-burning stove, and goes to attend to it. The camera moves significantly past her and into a back room, where some sort of alternate version or mental projection of Wanda (someone’s going to have to tell me what this is all about) is wearing her Scarlet Witch getup and reading the copy of the Darkhold she confiscated from Agatha. Suddenly, she hears her twins cry out for help.
Nowhere in the credits: The fates of the fake Pietro, or the white Vision, or that beekeeper. I’m totally fixated on that goddamned beekeeper; this is going to drive me nuts!