Aug 6, 2017
Celebrity Apprentice: Mr. Baseball vs. Miss USA, the Gibbon vs. the Housewife
It’s a battle of sky high aspirations versus down to earth ideas when baseballer Johnny Damon goes against pageant queen Kenya Moore to create a photo bomb campaign. Then, it’s a massacre in the boardroom when celebrity gossiper Leeza Gibbons and Real Housewife Brandi Glanville compete to produce the perfect jingle.
We begin with Trump spelling out the first task. The teams will be creating a series of photographs and hash tags to advertise King’s Hawaiian bread. The contest judges will be two executives from King’s Hawaiian. Johnny volunteers to project manage for Team Infinity, and Kenya says she’ll PM for Vortex.
Team Infinity starts brainstorming. After a few misses, Brandi suggests the theme “We rise to the occasion,” playing on how bread rises. Ian suggests getting a helicopter to do aerial shots of iconic New York images. Everyone likes that idea, and Ian has a friend who owns a helicopter, so they easily get access.
Over on Team Vortex, things are more down to earth. Kenya wants to go with a butt theme, as in “We like big buns.” She wants to get some butt models and Geraldo says they could just use her since she has a great butt. This clearly makes Vivica, who is eager to be thus objectified, jealous.
Johnny and Ian meet Ian’s friend with the helicopter and take cool shots of the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, and a skyscraper under construction.
Meanwhile, Kenya is out approaching women on the streets so she can take pictures of their backsides. When she gets some gals to agree, she snaps the photos while Geraldo yells directions like “Stick your butt out!” Vivica clearly wants to be more involved, but she mostly just ends up holding Kenya’s coat. Kenya finally agrees to use Vivica in one shot, a picture oddly titled “Baby wants buns” and depicting, yes, a literal baby reaching for Vivica’s butt.
Team Infinity starts editing their photos and placing images of bread in them. Leeza reminds everyone to be sure to integrate King’s Hawaiian into the pictures and the hashtags.
Vortex is doing final edits on their photos as well when Vivica realizes her phone is missing. She races around looking for it and saying, “Who stole my phone?” totally distracted from the task at hand.
The next day, both teams present their final products to the King’s Hawaiian execs.
When the teams hit the boardroom, they get feedback on their projects. The execs liked Team Infinity’s photos but thought their hashtags (#NYHighRising, #CrowningMoment, etc.) were a little generic and could apply to any kind of bread. They critiqued Team Vortex for not being family friendly and they especially hated the “Baby wants buns” idea. The win goes to Infinity, and the cash prize goes to the Johnny Damon Foundation. Someone from Team Vortex will be fired, and we all know it’s not going to be Geraldo despite being the kiss of death EVERY DAMN WEEK.
Team Infinity leaves to celebrate and watch the boardroom proceedings on TV. In a stunning example of “Hindsight is 20/20,” they are all talking about how King’s Hawaiian is a well respected brand and how Vortex shouldn’t have tried to use sex to sell it. Hmm… that’s not what they thought when they were making that sexed up video for Chock Full o’ Nuts a couple of weeks ago.
In the boardroom, the Donald expresses disappointment that Vortex has lost again, even with Kenya’s “help.” Kenya desperately tries to take credit for all of Infinity’s past wins and to distance herself from Vortex’s current loss. Vivica blames Kenya for coming up with a terrible idea, and Kenya blames Vivica for not doing more to help with the project. Vivica claims she was shut out from participation, but Kenya claims that Vivica was acting like she wasn’t feeling well, that she being emotionally volatile. Then, she reveals that she saw a tweet from Vivica where Vivica was complaining about menopause. (Wait a second… now I’m having a hot flashback to the episode where Vivica called Shawn Johnson out for having her period.)
Vivica claims that she made no such tweet. Kenya claims that she did. In perhaps his most useful moment of the entire Celebrity Apprentice series, Don Jr. pulls up the tweet in question. Here it is:
Suddenly, Vivica realizes what must have happened. That “dirty bitch” (her words) Kenya stole her phone and sent the message!
A very circular conversation ensues. Trump asks Vivica if she sent the tweet. Vivica denies it and says Kenya stole her phone. Trump asks Kenya if she stole Vivica’s phone. Kenya denies it and says Vivica sent the tweet. Trump asks Vivica if she sent the tweet. Vivica denies it and says Kenya stole her phone. This happens about twelve times in a row. Just when I think nothing will break the spell, Trump fires Kenya and puts us out of our misery.
On to challenge number two. This time, the Donald decides to give Team Vortex some real help, so he moves Leeza over there to join remaining members Vivica and Geraldo. This leaves Brandi, Johnny, and Ian on Team Infinity. The challenge is to create an original jingle for Anheuser-Busch’s Lime-a-Rita line of malt beverages. Always one to gravitate toward an alcohol-related task, Brandi decides to project manage for Infinity. And Leeza figures she better take charge at Team Vortex.
At Vortex’s first brainstorming session, Geraldo pushes for doing a song with a very Latin feel, but Leeza wants to go with more of a “football stadium chant” number. Vivica likes Leeza’s idea best, but they agree to let Geraldo go write and see if he can come up with something better. When he returns with his song, the ladies pick exactly one line from it to use.
Over on Team Infinity, Johnny and Ian are each attempting to write a song, but they’re distracting each other. Ian goes off to another room to think in peace. When Ian returns to present his song, it appears that he has written it to the tune of “La Cucaracha.” Brandi and Johnny are not impressed.
The professional musicians arrive, and Johnny is trying to teach them the jingle he has written–but Ian keeps interrupting to pitch his tune. Brandi finally says that they can work up a version of each song and at the end they’ll pick the best one to present. With that settled, Ian keeps asking Brandi what he should work on next, and Brandi keeps telling him to just wait. Ian says she needs to delegate, so she delegates to him to shut the hell up.
Over at Vortex, they’re recording the football stadium chant and duly using Geraldo’s one line.
Decision time has come for Team Infinity, and Brandi chooses… Johnny’s song. Ian, firmly in denial, asks if that is her final decision.
The day has come to present the jingles. Things go well for Team Vortex.
Their song sounds like “Go, go, go, Lime-a-rita” and ends with Geraldo’s tag line: “Nice… over ice.” It is sort of catchy. Then, Infinity presents a jingle that sounds like “Mumble, mumble, mumble a-rita, mumble, seniorita.” Oh well. At least it’s not “La Cucharacha.”
Unsurprisingly, Anheuser-Busch prefers Team Vortex’s jingle. Congratulations to Vortex for limited Geraldo’s involvement enough to squeek out a win. The cash prize goes to Leeza’s Care Connection. For the first time in weeks, someone from Team Infinity will be fired.
Let the Trump interrogation begin. Brandi was the project manager, Johnny wrote the losing song, but what did Ian do? He wrote a song that wasn’t used. Trump asks if they would have won if they had used Ian’s song. Ian says he thinks they would have, so Trump says, “Let’s hear it.”
Ian sings “La Cucharacha,” but with the words “Mango-rita, Straw-ber-ita,” etc., and Trump calls him on it and says they couldn’t have used it because it’s a copy of a famous song. Another exceptionally circular boardroom conversation ensues. Ian tries to explains that the song was only a starting point and that he intended to work with the musicians to transform it, and Trump interrupts to say it’s a copy of a famous song and they couldn’t use it, and Ian tries to explain that it was only a starting point. This happens twelve times. Just when you think it will never end, the Donald fires Ian. Check out the whole sequence here:
Brandi and Johnny get up to leave, but then Trump realizes this is his one and only chance to get his FOX News buddy Geraldo into the finals. He gives Johnny the axe and then, in quick succession, fires Brandi as well. It’s a boardroom massacre. All of Team Infinity has been slaughtered in what’s nearly their only loss to date.