Jul 30, 2017
Celebrity Apprentice: At Last, My Celebrity Apprentice Has Come Along
A new Celebrity Apprentice is crowned! How exciting is that? Not as exciting as a luxurious vacation with the entire family at the breathtaking Universal Orlando Resort, order now, operators are standing by!
We’re down to the final two. Last week, finalists Geraldo Rivera and Leeza Gibbons were ordered to make a commercial for Universal Orlando Resort, sell vacation packages to the highest bidder, and make a presentation at a fancy red carpet event. This week, they… you know… do that.
We begin live! The Donald walks out on the stage, and I believe they play the Imperial March. Son Don Junior and daughter Ivanka will be hanging out, per usual.
The Donald introduces the two finalists. He says Geraldo is quite a character.
Leeza, he does not describe.
Let’s go to the video! The final task is underway–Geraldo is basically bossing everyone around and acting like “quite a character,” while Leeza is motivating and managing her team. Leeza sees that team member Kevin Jonas has the commercial shoot firmly under control. She and Johnny Damon leave to start editing the early footage.
Eventually, Geraldo’s shoot wraps. While his other team members edit, he is still trying to book an act for the presentation. Apparently, the Josh Grobin idea fell through. He gets Tony Orlando.
The ads are coming together. Leeza’s commercial features a family learning to have fun by being spontaneous. Geraldo’s commercial stars himself playing himself as a reporter, which is what he is. Both teams take a look at their ads and like what they see, although in an aside to the camera, Ian says something like, “If I was project manager, which I should be, I would never make MY commercial all about ME.”
Back at the live show, the Donald brings out some of the contestants from earlier in the season. Or tries to anyway. Apparently Trump was jealous of all the attention John Travolta got at the Oscars, so he totally butchers the name of first-to-be-fired Keisha Knight-Pulliam. Is it wrong to hope someone’s having a stroke on live television if that person is Donald Trump? But, as usual, there’s no medical excuse for the Donald’s behavior. I have no idea why pronouncing her name is so difficult for him. Keisha is a fairly common first name, and Knight and Pulliam are both fairly common last names. They spend an inordinate amount of time getting the matter sorted out, and then Keisha tries to mention her charity Kamp Ki-something. Who knows, because is promptly interrupted by the Donald, who wants to talk to far more interesting contestant Kenya Moore.
Trump asks Kenya if she’s a nice person, and she says she is. I guess we’ll just have to take her word for it.
Back to the non-live stuff. Our two teams give their presentations, complete with a super sad red carpet event. The best our our D-list Celebrity Apprentice contestants can turn out is a few other D-List Celebrity Apprentice contestants, a couple of aging performers (Tony Orlando sings “Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree” and Olivia Newton John sings “Magic”), and a bunch of Geraldo’s friends from Fox News.
After the presentations, we go to the final boardroom, which is not part of the live show. The teams meet with the Donald and do the usual song and dance about how everyone was wonderful and everybody worked really well together and everybody is totally sure their team won.
Ivanka presents the feedback from the Universal Orlando executives. The execs liked the theme of Geraldo’s ad, “Find the Hero Within,” which after all, they came up with. And they actually liked that there were so many familiar faces in the commercial (in addition to Geraldo, Ian and Vivica play bit parts). However, they were concerned that the ad showed children spending so much time away from their parents. Most parents and kids would probably consider that a selling point, but the execs are faithful to their family branding. As for Geraldo’s red carpet presentation, they weren’t sure how the musical number fit in. (Duh. It’s Tony ORLANDO. For Universal Orlando Resort. What’s not to get?)
On the other hand, they thought Leeza’s presentation was fabulous but her commercial might have needed a stronger storyline. Next, they talk money. Leeza’s team raised nearly twice as much cash “selling vacations” as Geraldo’s team, some $324,000. Looks like Universal Orlando Resort is the real champion tonight.
Back at the live show, it would be natural to just announce the dadblame winner already, but no. Geraldo and Leeza’s helpers for the final task come out. When Vivica takes the stage, that cues the Donald to rehash phonegate, which only happened a couple of episodes ago and has already been rehashed on the all-rehash episode. Anyway, the Donald asks Kenya if she stole Vivica’s phone and Kenya says she did not and Vivica says she did and Kenya says she didn’t. I’m glad we cleared that up.
Leeza and Geraldo come out. The Donald could just say who won, but no. First, we have to sit through:
- The Donald implying that Leeza is too nice to win
- The Donald implying that Geraldo is too mean to win
- Footage of both candidates visiting their charity organizations
- Both candidates saying why they deserve to win
Interspersed with all of this, the Donald polls the crowd of former contestants. Who should be the next Celebrity Apprentice? Kevin, Brandi, and Johnny all vote for Leeza, which isn’t surprising, since they were on her team. But so does bystander Jamie Anderson. And Vivica, who was on Geraldo’s team. The only people who say Geraldo are Kenya, Kate Gosselin, and Gilbert Gottfried, and they’re all lunatics.
In the end, not even Donald Trump can justify picking Geraldo. He grudgingly gives the nod to Leeza. Her charity, Leeza’s Care Connection, gets an extra $250,000–for $714,000 total.
Ladies and gentlemen, your new Celebrity Apprentice.