Celebrity Apprentice: Crab Man vs. Booze Hound, “I”an vs. K8

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When crab boat captain Sig Hansen and Drinking and Tweeting author Brandi Glanville put on dueling party cruises, one contestant gets thrown overboard. And later, Ian “There is no ‘I’ in team” Ziering faces off against octomom Kate Gosselin in a test of true luxury.

Open on Donald Trump, Donald Junior, and Trump’s other son Donald, I mean Eric, who lay out the first task.

What is up with the Trump men's hair?

Inheriting his millions, not his hair

Whoo-ee, baby, this week the teams are taking us on a sightseeing cruise of New York City. Each group gets to organize its own cruise for… gasp!… the “general public.” There are horrified expressions all around. Celebrities hate the general public!

It seems pretty clear that if Sig, an actual boat captain, doesn’t step up to be project manager for Team Vortex this time, there will be a curse on his family for generations, so he reluctantly agrees. Brandi, on the other hand, is eager to showcase her party girl skills. She volunteers for Team Infinity.


I cannot wait to read this book!

Vortex meets to discuss cruise boat entertainment options. Geraldo suggests Revolutionary War re-enactors, but Kate and Vivica put a flint-lock musket to the head of that idea. Then, he suggests an immigration theme, because if there’s anything FOX News anchors love, it’s immigration (just so long as it took place in the 1800s from Europe, which was kind of like America’s farm team at the time, before the whole continent fell to the communists). The women place an anonymous call  to the feds and get that idea deported as well.

Over on Team Infinity, Leeza suggests that the best theme to celebrate the greatest city in the world (New York) is… Mardi Gras. Hmmm… Brandi doesn’t love the idea, but she goes with it, because leadership.


Meanwhile, Vortex is still tossing around ideas. They decide to play on Sig’s role on The Deadliest Catch and call their cruise “The Sexiest Catch.” Everyone is excited about this idea, but only because they have temporarily forgotten that men and women are, well, different. While the ladies were thinking sexy as in flowers and candles and jazz music, the men were thinking sexy as in a certain chain restaurant that sells chicken wings. Sig arranges to fill the ship with Hooter’s waitresses, and Geraldo heartily seconds that emotion.

Infinity members have already started putting together a Mardi Gras-themed party, but Brandi has changed her mind. She thinks they need to go with a New York-centric theme, so they choose “Big Apple Bonanza.” As for entertainment, Kenya offers to sing her original song, “Gone with the Wind Fabulous,” and Brandi agrees to let her. I mean, Gone with the Wind is set in New York, right?

It’s the day of the boat rides, and Team Vortex is in a time crunch. The bartenders are running late so Sig has to set up the bar himself. When the hired help finally does arrive, Sig flips out and goes off on them. Kate has to talk him down.

The tourists are arriving for Team Infinity’s boat ride, and they’re being handed appletinis (Big Apple Bonanza, get it?) on the way in. Then they’re treated to Leeza’s informative presentation on the sights of the city as they cruise along the island’s coastline. One guest says, “It’s like a booze cruise with knowledge,” which does sound awesome.

Things are strange over on Team Vortex’s boat.

CELEBRITY APPRENTICE: Crab Man vs. Booze Hound, “I”an vs. K8

Take a look at this motley crew

Geraldo is giving the presentation, and he is going on and on about “refugees fleeing from oppression in Europe” and the like. It’s a total laugh riot until he points out the new World Trade Center and yells “Screw the terrorists!” A close-up view of Geraldo’s ego and the barely covered butt cheeks of the Hooters waitresses is as good as it gets for this crowd. Sexy.

Meanwhile, the tourists on the Team Infinity boat are being treated to a full lineup of entertainment, including a magician and a boy band. Having downed a few appletinis, they even fashion themselves into a conga line at one point. Now, it’s time for Kenya’s song, which she performs to mixed reviews. Here’s the official video, should you like to see what all the fuss is about.

Off to the boardroom. The cruise patrons’ reviews are in, and Team Infinity gets high marks: People had a good, if somewhat confusing, time. Vortex doesn’t fare so well. The tourists were put off by some of Geraldo’s “politically polarizing” remarks, and also, as it turns out, the “general public” is partially made up of people, like women for instance, who are not that into Hooter’s girls.


Team Infinity wins, and the cash prize goes to Brandi’s charity, the Make a Wish Foundation. Someone from Team Vortex will be fired. Unsurprisingly, it’s Sig who ends up walking the plank.

On to challenge number two…

With the recent loss, Vortex is down to three members: Vivica, Kate, and Geraldo (who has been the kiss of death almost every week). The Donald needs to even the teams up, so he asks Geraldo who from Infinity he’d most like to have on Vortex. He says Leeza, who is a great choice because she’s both sane and hardworking. Trump asks Vivica the same question, and she chooses Ian, also a solid choice because while he is crazy, he does work admirably hard even when he’s not project manager. Thinking all of this over, the Donald decides to give them Kenya, who is… also available.

With the new teams formed, Trump explains the next task. The teams will each create an “interactive themed environment” (whatever that means) promoting the Trump National Doral, a hotel and golf resort in Miami. Kate agrees to take the lead for Team Vortex, and Ian does the honors for Infinity.

During Vortex’s first planning meeting, Geraldo reveals that he is very familiar with the National Doral golf course. Its most famous hole is called the Blue Monster, and he thinks they should design a character by the same name. Which is a brilliant idea if the golf club wants to recruit new members from the six-and-under set. Kiss. Of. Death. Vivica and Kenya are rightfully dubious, but Kate loves the idea, presumably because she is constantly surrounded by toddlers. She sends Vivica and Kenya out prop shopping so she and Geraldo can work in peace without having to hear their naysaying.

On Team Infinity, the celebrities are talking about how to make their environment interactive. Johnny suggests getting a golf pro to come and critique people’s swings. Ian seems to have a vision–and when the contractors arrive, he starts to give them all sorts of conflicting instructions.

"If you could throw in an unstoppable force and an immovable object, that would be cool"

“If you could throw in an unstoppable force and an immovable object, that would be cool”

Once that’s settled, Ian works his contacts, arranging for one artist to design the National Doral logo in marigolds and another to create a giant flip book showcasing the hotel’s amenities, complete with a portrait of Donald Trump on the cover.

Forget Brandi’s book, I’m reading this next!

Forget Brandi’s book, I’m reading this next!

Meanwhile, Kate is getting a taste of her own medicine, fretting and fuming because Vivica and Kenya is taking forever with the shopping–which is apparently only acceptable when Kate does it. Kenya helps move things along by texting Kate about 50 times to blame Vivica for their tardiness. They finally get back and help set up the space.

On the day of the presentation, Team Vortex shows off their Blue Monster-themed environment.

Me want cookie!

Me want cookie!

There’s a little tension over on Team Infinity as Ian’s perfectionism clashes with everyone else. Brandi keeps saying, “There is no ‘I’ in team, EYE-an,” which is clever. Still, Infinity’s event comes together well, with Johnny offering chair massages, the golf pro analyzing swings, and Leeza acting as host.

Back in the boardroom, the Donald asks Team Infinity if they worked well together. Everyone says it went well. Brandi pointedly looks at ex-teammate Kenya and says it’s “as if a dark cloud has been lifted” from their team. Trump asks Kenya if she’s a team player, and she says of course, because “you don’t become Miss USA without being a team player.”

"Have I mentioned that I was once Miss USA?"

“Have I mentioned that I was once Miss USA? Which is totally a team sport, by the way.”

As for the results of the challenge, Team Infinity triumphed with their luxurious, interactive environment, which somehow Vortex couldn’t match with a cartoon monster. Someone from Vortex will be fired. Will it be Geraldo for suggesting the theme? Hahaha, the Donald still needs his FOX News soapbox for pretending to run for president.

Kenya blames Kate for going with a bad idea and relegating her to shopping. Kate blames Kenya and Vivica for being late with the props. Kenya blames Vivica for causing the lateness. Vivica blames Kenya for being a backstabber. Geraldo blames all of them for being dramatic, without a hint of irony. (“Screw the dramatists!” he shouts, beating his chest and falling the floor. (In the end, the Donald decides to blame the project manager and sends Kate home to see how many of her kids’ names she can still remember.

TV Show: Celebrity Apprentice

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