May 3, 2017
Catholic School Principal Must Atone Forever For Sin Of Putting Ellen DeGeneres On School Dance Fliers
Was your high school principal always trying to be down with the kids, but then did something embarrassing like putting pix of Kid’n’Play on a flier – in 2004? Pity the poor Catholic school principal who tried to be cool by using Ellen Degeneres’s Oscar photo to flog a dance, forgetting that Ellen is a big homosexxican and that the Catholic Church kinda frowns on that.
Yes, besides being cringe-inducing merely for the fact that 14-year-olds likely watch neither the Oscars nor the Ellen show and would have found the picture of a tuxedoed Ellen gracing their eighth-grade dance fliers to be painfully uncool, there’s also the whole gay thing.
The principal of a Catholic school in Bucks County is apologizing to parents for using a photo of Ellen DeGeneres on an invitation to an Oscars-themed graduation dance, and is demanding students return them to be destroyed.
It was “completely wrong” to use DeGeneres’ picture because the lesbian celebrity “lives her life outside the teachings of the Catholic Church,” St. Andrew Elementary School principal Nancy Matteo wrote in an email to parents on Tuesday.
It’s worthwhile to point out at this juncture that DeGeneres has been out for over 15 years, and got homosexxican-equality-married to Portia de Rossi back in 2008. We’re kinda fixated on this because we’re wondering if Ms. Matteo actually had no idea that DeGeneres was gay and therefore was just like “hey, Oscar host! Kids dig Oscar hosts! They’re people of upstanding moral fiber by definition!” Can you imagine if Matteo had done this the year that James Franco hosted?? Her head would have asploded to find out he was pro-homosexxican and a serial semi-erotic selfie-taker, not to mention his weird thing with Japanese bodypillows.
By far the very bestest part of this, however, is the school’s concern that no shameful DeGeneres-laden flier remain in the wild.
She said in the email to parents that students needed to return the invitations featuring DeGeneres to school and new ones would be issued.
“I need every single invitation returned and I will personally destroy them,” wrote Matteo.
Do you think she will burn them and thus purify herself in their ritual flames, letting the stain of mild association with gayness be burned from her skin? Perhaps she’ll use each and every flier to cut the flesh of her hands and create stigmata. Or maybe wet them all and make a sort of papier-mache rope she can use to flog herself so that her sins might be expiated. The possibilities are endless, really, but you know that Matteo will never have another restful night, because she’ll always worry that somewhere out there, a single lonely flier has been picked up by a stray breeze and at this very moment is being carried along by the spring winds to another destination, forever a monument to the shame of associating your Catholic school dance with A Gay.
There’s not enough confession in the world to get over that sin.