Category: Movies

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The Specialist (1994) (part 4 of 4)

“For some reason, this film was marketed as a more ‘serious’ movie, even though I’m pretty certain anybody who’s a fan of either Sylvester Stallone or Sharon Stone doesn’t go to the movies for serious dramatics. Stallone’s fans go to see him kill a lot of things and be macho, and Stone’s fans go in the vain hope she’ll do another leg spreading scene like in Basic Instinct. To be fair, she does get naked in this film. On the downside, so does Sly.”

The Specialist (1994) (part 3 of 4)

“For some reason, this film was marketed as a more ‘serious’ movie, even though I’m pretty certain anybody who’s a fan of either Sylvester Stallone or Sharon Stone doesn’t go to the movies for serious dramatics. Stallone’s fans go to see him kill a lot of things and be macho, and Stone’s fans go in the vain hope she’ll do another leg spreading scene like in Basic Instinct. To be fair, she does get naked in this film. On the downside, so does Sly.”

The Specialist (1994) (part 2 of 4)

“For some reason, this film was marketed as a more ‘serious’ movie, even though I’m pretty certain anybody who’s a fan of either Sylvester Stallone or Sharon Stone doesn’t go to the movies for serious dramatics. Stallone’s fans go to see him kill a lot of things and be macho, and Stone’s fans go in the vain hope she’ll do another leg spreading scene like in Basic Instinct. To be fair, she does get naked in this film. On the downside, so does Sly.”

The Specialist (1994) (part 1 of 4)

“For some reason, this film was marketed as a more ‘serious’ movie, even though I’m pretty certain anybody who’s a fan of either Sylvester Stallone or Sharon Stone doesn’t go to the movies for serious dramatics. Stallone’s fans go to see him kill a lot of things and be macho, and Stone’s fans go in the vain hope she’ll do another leg spreading scene like in Basic Instinct. To be fair, she does get naked in this film. On the downside, so does Sly.”

Boat Trip (2002) (part 5 of 5)

“I wish I could express to you how unsettling this is. To see a former James Bond replicate fellatio with a breakfast link as a come-on has got to be one of the worst things ever committed to film. Seriously, all the sanguinary excesses in the entire Saw movie series are nothing compared to watching the wrinkled Roger Moore licking a saveloy in order to seduce Horatio Sanz.”

Boat Trip (2002) (part 4 of 5)

“I wish I could express to you how unsettling this is. To see a former James Bond replicate fellatio with a breakfast link as a come-on has got to be one of the worst things ever committed to film. Seriously, all the sanguinary excesses in the entire Saw movie series are nothing compared to watching the wrinkled Roger Moore licking a saveloy in order to seduce Horatio Sanz.”

Boat Trip (2002) (part 3 of 5)

“I wish I could express to you how unsettling this is. To see a former James Bond replicate fellatio with a breakfast link as a come-on has got to be one of the worst things ever committed to film. Seriously, all the sanguinary excesses in the entire Saw movie series are nothing compared to watching the wrinkled Roger Moore licking a saveloy in order to seduce Horatio Sanz.”

Boat Trip (2002) (part 2 of 5)

“I wish I could express to you how unsettling this is. To see a former James Bond replicate fellatio with a breakfast link as a come-on has got to be one of the worst things ever committed to film. Seriously, all the sanguinary excesses in the entire Saw movie series are nothing compared to watching the wrinkled Roger Moore licking a saveloy in order to seduce Horatio Sanz.”

Boat Trip (2002) (part 1 of 5)

“I wish I could express to you how unsettling this is. To see a former James Bond replicate fellatio with a breakfast link as a come-on has got to be one of the worst things ever committed to film. Seriously, all the sanguinary excesses in the entire Saw movie series are nothing compared to watching the wrinkled Roger Moore licking a saveloy in order to seduce Horatio Sanz.”

Recap Supplement: The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

“The only parts of the film I can actually say I kind of like are the two Tyrannosaurus rampages in the middle of the movie, and the beast running wild in San Diego. Even then, my enjoyment is negated by the lousy characters, and when a guy like me (who can find enjoyment in pretty much anything) isn’t able to glean any satisfaction from a giant monster wreaking havoc, something has gone seriously wrong with your movie. This is one of those films that works just fine when the special effects are in control and nobody is talking. But when they do talk… Jesus.”