Patrons get an ad-free experience and full access to our archives. Support the Agony Booth for as little as $1/month!
It’s now been one month since Donald Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States, and already his standing with the public is at an all-time low. In addition, people are withdrawing from his cabinet or from…
The movie does take place in 2021; it’s not too late to start making jump suits and boots a thing. And plastic plaid jackets. Can’t forget those.
When we last left Bill and Clementine, Lithuania suffered a major setback in their plot to annex the Moon, but it left the Moon Bug shot to hell. Bill opted to use the “bugdozer” instead, but it only has enough charge for a 150-mile trip, and it’s 200 miles to Farside Five. Fortunately, the bugdozer is built to go over mountains, so it’s time to find a shortcut. The pair head out...
So it turns out that modern firearms can fire in a vacuum; gunpowder contains its own oxidizer, so it doesn’t require an atmosphere. Special thanks to reader Greenhornet for the info, and for not making fun of my ignorance; class is always appreciated. Of course, that means ditching 500 words of guns-not-being-able-to-fire-in-a-vacuum jokes...
Moon Zero Two comes in for a landing outside Farside Five. Oh man, I’m sooooo looking forward to this. I hope Farside Five has lots of strips with dogs, those are the funniest.
When we last left our heroes (and at this point, I’m really stretching the definition of that word; seriously, Bill is a bit of a dick and Kaminski is little more than drunken comic relief, albeit his legal acumen and/or ability to baffle with bullshit has come in handy twice)...
Hello, and welcome back to my Moon Zero Two extended recap. In case you’re new to the Booth, you can catch up by checking out the links to the first four parts here, here, here...
“Maverick then rejoins the battle and helps Iceman take out the remaining enemy planes, as totally happened all the time during the Cold War. AMERICA, YEAHHHHH!”
The 30th anniversary recap continues as we try to find out if Top Gun is still on top after all these years.
“I’m willing to risk it all to bring you this mini-recap, and find out if Top Gun is still on top after all these years.”
“Should Bill be drinking before heading into space? I don’t think that suit has a catheter, and his ship didn’t look big enough to have a toilet. Guess it’d better be a short trip.”
“I’d say the powers that be are trying to collectively piss off an entire region of planet Earth, but I get the feeling everybody gets offended equally here, and it’s just Latin America’s turn.”
The film (and perhaps the Wachowskis’ directing career) comes to a perfunctory end as we learn that while being ruler of a galactic empire might be nice, it can never compare to cleaning toilets for a living.
“Men’s-only locker room, casual misogyny when it comes to humor, assumptions that women are only interested in material goods. Glad to see the future hasn’t changed, 1969.”
This non-comedy gets a suitable non-ending as all the plot threads we’ve been following for six months devolve into a terrible musical number and the strangest closing credits in history.
Jupiter finally meets the main villain of the film, and it feels like a complete afterthought. But on the plus side, somebody in this movie will win an “award” for his acting.
“Roger Ebert would often espouse the notion that there are no good movies featuring hot air balloons. I’d like to think he was watching Skidoo at the time he formulated this theory.”
“Honestly, after the opening credits, I was expecting a lot less subtlety both in plot and visuals, like everyone would be walking around wearing aluminum cowboy hats or something.”
Jupiter and Titus are about to get married, but to the shock of no one, Titus has sinister motives. Cue “Mrs. Robinson” on the soundtrack as Caine rushes to stop the wedding.
“This is the first time I can say that a writer probably got his lyrics out of a trash can, and be completely accurate.”