Carol Burnett’s Mark Twain Prize Proves Once Again Ladies Aren’t Funny

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So Carol Burnett just received some fancy-schmancy award for being a funny lady, and many different peoples, including other funny ladies, performed for her because ladies like to band together.

On Sunday, the trailblazing comedienne received the nation’s top humor prize at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. Top entertainers including Julie Andrews, Tony Bennett, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and others performed in Burnett’s honor as she received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

For real we have no beef with Carol Burnett. She is funny, for a lady. And she got famous being “funny” at a time when ladies were really not allowed to be funny.

When Carol Burnett launched her namesake variety show in the 1960s, one TV executive told her the genre was “a man’s game.” She proved him wrong with an 11-year run that averaged 30 million viewers each week.

Screw you, nameless TV exec. But let’s be honest. For every Tina Fey, for every Amy Poehler, for every Carol Burnett, there’s a deeply unfunny woman waiting in the wings.

1) Mother Teresa

Carol Burnett's Mark Twain Prize Proves Once Again Ladies Aren't Funny

Sadly, Mother Teresa just never found her comic timing, prolly because she always wanted to talk about the poors and how we should feed them, which just isn’t a thigh-slapper, really. Also, she was very very busy being Christopher Hitchens’ Enemy No. One, because of how she was not funny.

2) Golda Meir

Golda Meir

Golda coulda been a contender, just because of her awesome name, but she refused to make the most of her potential and became prime minster of Israel instead. So many ladies with so many poor career choices.

3) Karen Silkwood

silkwood-shower

Silkwood had such a platform, what with being a big-time labor activist and all, but she threw it all away to yammer on about nuclear safety this and plutonium that. Also, getting yourself killed is so very played out.

4) Kathryn Jean Lopez

lopez

Despite her smiling visage and being at the helm of the very king of humor sites, National Review Online, K-Lo is just simply not funny. Must have something to do with the deeply ingrained Catholic culture scold thing.

5) Ann Coulter

2012 Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in the World Gala - Outdoor Arrivals

[Photo by PR Photos]

There are some people that reach for the stars, like Casey Kasem told us to, but they just fall face-first on the ground. That’s how Ann Coulter is with the funny.

PRO-TIP AND TRIGGER WARNING AND SPOILER ALERT: Mock Ms. Coulter’s sense of humor or lack thereof and general terribleness all you’d like in the comments, but anyone that goes off on the usual speculation/shaming regarding her gender identity gets the banhammer, oh yes indeed, but first we will chant “cisgender privilege” at you until you fall over in a puddle of your own blood, Jezebel-commenter-styley.

6) Henry Kissinger

45th Munich Security Conference

Because being a war criminal is really never funny, though there is a terrible grim humor in the fact that the man has a Nobel Peace Prize, now isn’t there?

[HuffPo]

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  • Jason M

    Henry Kissinger’s voice is kinda funny. And remember Mother Theresa with the Raphael shnoz?

    • Rhonda

      See there, she is kinda funny after all.

  • chascates

    Carol can belt out a tune too!

  • msanthropesmr

    Henry Kissinger is a ladeee? I am confused about this.

  • Arcturus

    Don’t worry, there won’t be too many comments.

  • docterry6973

    Ann Coulter funny all right.

  • x111e7thst

    Why do Kissinger and Coulter look like they are related? Is she a war criminal too?

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  • Enfant Terrible

    I have no snark. I first saw Carol Burnett on the Gary Moore Show (that long ago!) and she was and is honest-to-goodness one of the funniest people of any gender in the known universe. And like chascates said, she can sing too! Awesome, awesome, awesome.

    • fredoandme

      same here. i remember her singing “poor johnny one note.” and her “once upon a mattress”. both times.went with the wind. up in mama’s attic…”fluuuuuhhhhhhffffyyy!!”…the fistfight with geraldine brooks in “pete and tillie”.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYrJOp_Oqwsad, yet funny as all get out. how did she do it?

      • Robert Schaaf

        But do you remember “I Made a Fool of Myself Over John Foster Dulles”? Just about my earliest memory of Carol Burnett.

        • fredoandme

          yeah. i’m old. we rarely missed garry moore.

  • Guest

    Until I have womited up my wodka I refuse to comment upon the Ann of Coulter. And, after that, maybe only a bit of chin washing up.

  • Hillsy9000

    Monty Python’s The Kissinger Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5vo7jLGOb8

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  • Great. Mother Theresa’s headwear has got me thinking about Zardoz again. Thanks loads.

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    • edith prickly

      Respect the red leather diaper!!

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  • The other day I read a review of a “new” “noir musical” — Mildred Fierce, based on the movie Mildred Pierce. Nowhere in the credits did I see a mention of Carol’s having done it (sans music) long ago, same title even. If anyone knows of a DVD of just the movie parodies (all of them please), I’d love to get my hands on it.