Why Can’t This Teevee Lady Stop Stuffing Her Face?

Why Can't This Teevee Lady Stop Stuffing Her Face?
Last night I got high and watched “Mom.” Allison Janney is a drug addict alky mom to Anna Faris who’s a drug addict alky mom who got pregnant as a teen and whose teen daughter is pregnant as a teen, making CJ from “West Wing” the great-grandmother you’d like to fuck. It’s a Chuck Lorre joint, as crass as that Charlie Sheen “comedy” he made, but a little less nihilist, and you don’t want to murder anyone with fire. It’s got a laugh track, which is terrible, and Faris plays her uptight-in-recovery do-gooder sort of slapstick and broadly; she’s no match for Allison Janney’s dry no-regrets hedonism, constantly exhorting her daughter to go out in a blaze of … bukkake probably.

So Anna Faris wanted to bang Justin Long, because people in Hollywood think women want to look at Justin Long (I blame Drew Barrymore), but she is “waiting” instead of being her usual drunk drug addict whore self. (Is it great to see total whores, whorin’ it up, on the teevee? It kind of is! Do we sympathize with the whole “waiting” thing? We don’t know, we’ve never tried it!) And so it is a funny plotline that in order to stuff down her sex feelings, she is basically cramming food right into her vagina. Haha, what an adorable quirk!

(If anything, as an alcoholic in recovery, Faris’s character should have been mainlining candy from the beginning of the series. When you get sober — that we did try, once! — you STARVE, TO DEATH, because you’re used to getting all your sugar from booze.)

How did I LOVE DOUGHNUTS become the preferred shorthand for female vulnerability?

Remember “The Closer”? You liked that show. (Shut up liar, yes you did.) Remember Kyra Sedgewick’s adorable quirk, because she may be a ballbuster, but she’s JUST LIKE US?

Closer-cookie

She was constantly stuffing her maw with candy and cake, and yet never gaining an ounce. It didn’t show her purging it right back up; vomit reminds people bulimia is : ( — not to mention, Heather, it’s soooo ’87.

bulimia

I know overeaters. You know overeaters. God bless America and cetera. But do you know anyone who’s obsessed with candy, or obsessed with food? For whom it is friend and lover and they make weird O faces at it? For whom mini-Snickers fill the same eternal void as Carrie Bradshaw’s lover, ugly shoes?

If you do, it is probably a cause for concern, and you worry for your friend and loved one, and it is not really “hilarious.” And if you do know a person with that issue, she probably does not weigh a buck ten? She probably weighs either eighty pounds or many pounds more than that! But not really anywhere in the middle.

I am not here to tell Hollywood any arglebargle about REALISTIC BODY IMAGES or DON’T TRIVIALIZE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND EATING DISORDERS and whatnot. I’m pretty sure that fertile ground has already been covered. I’m really just saying, “meh.”

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  • Respiteini

    The show is damn near unwatchable, but it’s one of the few I’ve seen that produces a reasonable facsimile of an AA meeting.

    • rebecca

      Anna Faris is terrible, which is sad because she’s funny.

      • Homestar

        Agreed. I think she can be really funny, but this is not the show for her.

  • Jason M

    “Last night I got high and watched “Mom.” ” If that’s not the name of your biography, ma’am, then something went terribly wrong along the way.

  • BMW

    I want to punch the shit out of CBS. HOW THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU THE NUMBER ONE TV NETWORK WHEN ALL YOUR SHOWS ARE SO TERRIBLE??? Gah.

    • Because their competition consists of networks like NBC, which has been chronically dysfunctional since the end of their “Must See TV” days?

  • mimsy18

    I didn’t know “Mom” had so many teen pregnancies but I only watch CBS for Hawaii 5-0 with topless guys.

  • gatorboy

    I’m bummed that Anna Faris has seemed to have lost her funny after going mainstream. Her performance in Happy Face was pure genius.

    • rebecca

      Hell, even that one about hte Playboy bunny in the sorority house!

      • gatorboy

        Gah! What happened to her?? She went from a real promising start to fucking Yogi Bear. So depressing. Same thing with Reese Witherspoon. She had to get so drama-y. I miss the Freeway/Election days…