Mar 30, 2021
Why Canadians Are The Greatest People On Earth (Video)
Well hey there! Happy Canada Day, and the such! I thought I’d take time to celebrate the wonderful nation of Canada, even though I am not at all sure what Canada Day is (I could look it up, but I am a lazy American, not an industrious citizen of Canuckistan, so.)
Canadians are great for many reasons: maple syrup; poutine; the beaver trade; all the strippers in Montreal; Ontario Place (it’s fun!); the Bruno and Boots series by Gordon Korman; Margaret Atwood; MOTHERFUCKING PUCKBALL; Saskatoon (it’s just fun to say); and so many other things and people and places and foodstuffs. They put up with the United States the way the normal kid in the family puts up with the popular, handsome one who is always stealing Dad’s car and smoking crack behind the shed. Thanks, Canada!
Canadians are like Midwesterners, but foreign and therefore exotic. They are friendly and helpful and often outdoorsy. Sometimes they speak French AND English! Sometimes they just speak French! It’s so crazy! They are the greatest people on Earth, because they are warm and welcoming and kind (or at least they pretend to be, and they do it so well!) Here are just a few of the greatest people on Earth. Celebrate them today, as you celebrate all Canadians and also NHL free agency day! Hooray!
He got his first real six string, boy at the Five and Dime! Played it ’til his fingers bled (ew), it was the Summer of ’69! Granted, Bryan Adams was like 11 years old in the Summer of ’69, but like all good Canadians, he knows never to let the truth get in the way of a good story! (This is actually a thing I’ve heard about the Irish but a lot of Canadians are part Irish, so whatever.) Bryan Adams is awesome, “Summer of ’69” is awesome, flannel is awesome, jeans are awesome, Canada is awesome!
Sarah Polley is beautiful and wonderful and Canadian. She was a child actress and then a grown-up actress and now she’s a director and she’s probably going to win all the Oscars very soon for directing John Green’s “Looking For Alaska,” so get ready for that to happen all over ya damn face. And look at her being all cute in “Road to Avonlea!”
Speaking of which, “Road to Avonlea” brings us to our next reason why Canada is awesome…
If you didn’t fuck with “Anne of Green Gables,” did you even have a girlhood? Look at the Bard of Prince Edward Island up there with her puffed sleeves looking chill as hell. She knew she had it going on. I read “Anne of Green Gables” like the shit was going out of style, which it never will. Eat a plate of steamed P.E.I. mussels and settle down for a good dose of “Emily of New Moon.” You can thank me FOREVER.
Well, who can this looker be? Why, it is Ellen Page being fucking adorable as per usual. Ellen Page is a lesbian, which is delightful and great and marvelous because she is out and celebrates who she is, hooray! Moreoever, Ellen Page is an excellent actress who has been killing it since she was a wee child. But beyond that, Ellen Page is a fucking Canadian babe. She is even hotter than Shania Twain at the height of her Shania Twain-ness! She is reason enough to celebrate Canada’s existence, and then you remember that maple toffee exists, and you’re like CANADA IS THE FUCKING BEEEEEEST!
Thank you Canada, for all you have given us! Have a great day, in your polite and charming Canadian way. Rock on in the way Canadian God intended: to a Bryan Adams song!