Why Canadians Are The Greatest People On Earth (Video)

Well hey there! Happy Canada Day, and the such! I thought I’d take time to celebrate the wonderful nation of Canada, even though I am not at all sure what Canada Day is (I could look it up, but I am a lazy American, not an industrious citizen of Canuckistan, so.)

Canadians are great for many reasons: maple syrup; poutine; the beaver trade; all the strippers in Montreal; Ontario Place (it’s fun!); the Bruno and Boots series by Gordon Korman; Margaret Atwood; MOTHERFUCKING PUCKBALL; Saskatoon (it’s just fun to say); and so many other things and people and places and foodstuffs. They put up with the United States the way the normal kid in the family puts up with the popular, handsome one who is always stealing Dad’s car and smoking crack behind the shed. Thanks, Canada!

Canadians are like Midwesterners, but foreign and therefore exotic. They are friendly and helpful and often outdoorsy. Sometimes they speak French AND English! Sometimes they just speak French! It’s so crazy! They are the greatest people on Earth, because they are warm and welcoming and kind (or at least they pretend to be, and they do it so well!) Here are just a few of the greatest people on Earth. Celebrate them today, as you celebrate all Canadians and also NHL free agency day! Hooray!

Why Canadians Are The Greatest People On Earth (Video)

Bryan Adams

He got his first real six string, boy at the Five and Dime! Played it ’til his fingers bled (ew), it was the Summer of ’69! Granted, Bryan Adams was like 11 years old in the Summer of ’69, but like all good Canadians, he knows never to let the truth get in the way of a good story! (This is actually a thing I’ve heard about the Irish but a lot of Canadians are part Irish, so whatever.) Bryan Adams is awesome, “Summer of ’69” is awesome, flannel is awesome, jeans are awesome, Canada is awesome!

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Sarah Polley

Sarah Polley is beautiful and wonderful and Canadian. She was a child actress and then a grown-up actress and now she’s a director and she’s probably going to win all the Oscars very soon for directing John Green’s “Looking For Alaska,” so get ready for that to happen all over ya damn face. And look at her being all cute in “Road to Avonlea!”

Road to Avonlea

Speaking of which, “Road to Avonlea” brings us to our next reason why Canada is awesome…

LM Montgomery

L.M. Montgomery

If you didn’t fuck with “Anne of Green Gables,” did you even have a girlhood? Look at the Bard of Prince Edward Island up there with her puffed sleeves looking chill as hell. She knew she had it going on. I read “Anne of Green Gables” like the shit was going out of style, which it never will. Eat a plate of steamed P.E.I. mussels and settle down for a good dose of “Emily of New Moon.” You can thank me FOREVER.

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Ellen Page

Well, who can this looker be? Why, it is Ellen Page being fucking adorable as per usual. Ellen Page is a lesbian, which is delightful and great and marvelous because she is out and celebrates who she is, hooray! Moreoever, Ellen Page is an excellent actress who has been killing it since she was a wee child. But beyond that, Ellen Page is a fucking Canadian babe. She is even hotter than Shania Twain at the height of her Shania Twain-ness! She is reason enough to celebrate Canada’s existence, and then you remember that maple toffee exists, and you’re like CANADA IS THE FUCKING BEEEEEEST!

Thank you Canada, for all you have given us! Have a great day, in your polite and charming Canadian way. Rock on in the way Canadian God intended: to a Bryan Adams song!

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  • EricPoole

    Don’t forget universal single-payer health care and “They just kicked Wal-Mart’s ass (http://finance.yahoo.com/news/court-rules-wal-mart-must-compensate-workers-202258976–finance.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory)Incidentally, my wife and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary by returning to the scene of our original nuptials (the gazebo in Queen’s Royal Park, Niagara-On-The-Lake, Ontario). The gazebo, incidentally, looks like it’s been there since the time of Queen Victoria, but it was built about 35 years ago for the movie “The Dead Zone” (I think Christopher Walken finds a dead person in it).

    • Mojopo

      Happy anniversary! I know that gazebo. I grew up not far from there, on the US side. Small world.

    • Vienna Woods

      Oh yeah. OUR Supreme Court keeps kicking ass the way God intended. Even Dear Leader Stephen Harper’s appointees keep ruling against him – like, already 6 or more times this year, on really significant cases.

  • BMW

    Two words: ALPHA FLIGHT.

  • Mahousu

    Also, Kate Beaton, because Kate Beaton. Or put another way, http://www.harkavagrant.com/

  • BigRedDog

    The New Pornographers (my favorite band) also, too.

  • howiefelterup

    The song “Summer of 69” was NOT about the year 1969. Geez, I thought everyone knew that.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    they have a long way to go to make up for Nickelback

    • Vienna Woods

      Hey, I’ve already apologized for them, like, ten times here. What more can a gal do?

  • Jack Haldane

    Joni Mitchell!!!!!!!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Neil Young, also too

  • Rob S

    Red Green, Degressi Jr. High.

  • Arken

    Counterpoint: Canadians put mayo on their french fries.

    • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

      No. No we don’t.

      • Arken

        Tell that to Google, because they have tons and tons of sites claiming otherwise, including ‘Canadian Living.’http://www.canadianliving.com/food/crispy_french_fries_with_mustard_mayonnaise.php

        • Camacho/Trump 2016!!

          Possibly some British ex-pats do, but I have lived in Canada for almost all of my 40+ years and have never, not once, seen a person put mayo on regular potato fries (yam fries? Sure,but that is usually chipotle or sriracha mayo, so you know, not french friese).

        • Vienna Woods

          Wow, you’re right. They also have recipes for the Arabic dish Dolmas http://www.canadianliving.com/food/swiss_chard_dolmas_with_tomato_sauce.php, so I guess that makes that our national dish. Newsflash: Canadian Living doesn’t just have “Canadian” recipes.And those several google hits are mostly by Americans who know about as much about Canadian cuisine as you do.

      • I do. But it’s mostly from my Dutch heritage. Plus, it’s awesome.

    • Vienna Woods

      I have lived in Canada all of my 54 years, and never have I seen anyone eat mayo on French fries. Ketchup, yes (ugh)

    • WA Bishop

      Vinegar and salt, sure, naturally. Mayo? Only when there’s no vinegar, salt, ketchup, or gravy.

  • Volt Owner

    “_Bought_ it at the five and dime”. Duh.I’m guilty of mis-hearing song lyrics too, sometimes for decades, sometimes less… I blame the lousy AM radio’ in my ’65 Mustang when I was growing up, like The Eagles (not Canadian, sorry) singing “There’s gonna be a party tonight” in there hit “Heartache Tonight”…

  • Vienna Woods

    Here is the quintessence of Canada in a song… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuVsHt3rBnc#t=101

  • Holy god this post is so relevant to me. 1) I cover Summer of ’69 at open mic nights all the time (though, I’m hardly alone in that…)2) I went to high school with Sarah Polley3) Lucy Maud Montgomery is my great-great-aunt (by marriage and adoption, but still; that side of the family has ALL the Anne of Green Gables stuffs…)4) I have no association w/ Ellen Page, other than our shared Canadianness and the fact that I think she’s pretty good at acting and all…Yay Canuckistan!

  • I’m sorry to inform you that “Summer of ’69” has nothing to do with the year 1969. It’s got to do with sex — which keeps us Canadians warm in the cold long hard winter nights.When Adams appeared on The Early Show in 2008, he was asked about “Summer of ’69” and its lyrical meaning. Adams said the song was about sex and making love in the summertime. “69” is a reference to the sexual position, 69.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summer_of_'69#Conception_and_themesHave a happy Independence Day.- Your neighbour from the North.