You Can Now Buy Vajamas, Pants That Feel Like You’re Wearing A Vagina

If you like consciously wacky clothing, you may already be familiar with Betabrand, which gave the world “cordarounds,” which are corduroys with horizontal, not vertical, stripes. Mind. Blown. Now they’ve made your life worse by making “vajamas” which are made out of something called “vagisoft.” Yes, it is supposed to evoke exactly what you are thinking.

In reality, these are some sort of super-nubby thick fleece sorts of things that basically look like Snuggies made into sweatpants, which is not a thing any of our vaginas here at Happy resemble. Here’s an overly cute, overly ick, description from the makers of these monstrosities.

Why are Vajamas so soft? Because they’re made with 100% Vagisoft. And just how soft is Vagisoft? Let us explain:

Once upon a time, the world of tactile technology was satisfied with “soft as a baby’s bottom” as the measure of absolute softness. Anyone who dared name something “softer than” the aforementioned infant’s posterior was suggesting a theoretical world of soft that existed beyond anything man could conceive.

Then Betabrand researchers invented the Tactile Soft-O-Meter®, a device that can detect and compare the density of softrons, the subatomic units of softness. Using this newfound knowledge, they were able to create pants so ineffably comfy, test subjects had to be removed from them with the Jaws of Life!

But to the chagrin of our marketing department, the Soft-O-Meter indicated that the fabric measured “Vagisoft” within a standard deviation of one softron. Vagisoft? Well, we decided that if the Soft-O-meter says it, so be it!

So the insides of a lady are softer than a baby’s butt. Someone got paid to think of that AND write terrible copy about it. How many times do you think they had to consult a thesaurus to settle on “ineffably” as a modifier for “comfy”? Do you think they got paid extra to do that part? We can’t even begin to think about the brainstorming sessions. “Guys, what’s softer than baby ass? The head of my dick? Naw, let’s go with vagina. That’ll sell.”

Did no one talk to any ladies about this? Because any ladies would have explained that “vagisoft” sounds uncomfortably close to “Vagisil,” which does not evoke a comfortable vagina at all.

Anyway, after their vagina = softness marketing insight breakthrough, someone decided that if you Photoshop ladies asleep atop koalas


…and mashed potatoes

Blue_Vajamas_-_Betabrand 2

…that will evoke the softness of these vagina pants.

Guys, we hate to break it to you, but if you feel like the inside of a lady feels like mashed potatoes, either you have never been with an actual lady or your lady has serious problems with her nether regions. Also, we’re not sure what the marketing is actually going for with all the pix of ladies sleeping in vagisoft pants atop cushy things. Is this supposed to evoke ladies sleeping inside their own soft vagina? Is this a thing anyone wants?

These things will set you back $85, so start saving your pennies now.


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  • Señor Skwerl

    Why is a baby’s arse the standard unit of softness? I would have chose “kittens fresh from the dryer” myself.

    • msanthropesmr

      The problem with kittens fresh from the dryer is that they stick together from the static real bad.

  • MyLovelyNose

    These are for guys, right?

    • msanthropesmr

      Lonely guys, one would imagine.

  • mondojohnson

    Softly, softly, spanky monkey

  • msanthropesmr

    I don’t know about you, but the prospect of having to be removed from pants via “the jaws of life” does not appeal to me in the slightest. Also, I always imagined koalas to be kinda poky.

    • meepmeep09

      Yeah, that was one of my initial reactions as well: not only do these marketing folks lack close-up experience with teh ladeez, but they also know nothing about koalas.The fact they didn’t even consult with Wikipedia on either topic before blasting this pablum out into the world says yet another thing about them. Sadly, I see this kind of ignorant marketing crap in my more technically oriented world IRL.I know the movie Idiocracy has an unpleasant elitist odor to it, but damn if it doesn’t hit uncomfortably close to the mark sometimes.Hopefully the intended market will react in a confidence-restoring way, though if that market is comprised of guys looking for new wanking accessories, I won’t hold my breath.

  • annoyed

    This is a Veridian Dynamic product, right?

  • bround greef

    The fact that Vagisoft(tm)(r)(c) is sold in pants form and not inside a 2″ PVC tube is pretty much all the proof you need that it isn’t what it claims to be.Anyway, WTF is with Betabrand? Is that like… the Beta Band? I mean because who talks about the Beta Band

  • Ambignostic

    “if you feel like the inside of a lady feels like mashed potatoes”…or like Pla-doh and bacon

  • IowaDave

    Either they are doing something wrong, or I am. I hope it’s them, because I have a lot of other things to wear…

  • Annie Towne

    I just know there’s a Velvet Goldmine joke to be made here, but I’m not awake enough to make it.

  • Froggage

    This does explain some of the recent after-hours vandalism in my diner/exotic pet store.

  • Steven Gregory

    Little boy: “Daddy, what does a vagina look like?”Dad: “Before or after sex, son?”Little boy: “Before.”Dad: “Like a beautiful flower with soft pink petals.”Little boy: “And after?”Dad: “Ever see a Bulldog eating mayonnaise?”