You Can Now Buy Vajamas, Pants That Feel Like You’re Wearing A Vagina
If you like consciously wacky clothing, you may already be familiar with Betabrand, which gave the world “cordarounds,” which are corduroys with horizontal, not vertical, stripes. Mind. Blown. Now they’ve made your life worse by making “vajamas” which are made out of something called “vagisoft.” Yes, it is supposed to evoke exactly what you are thinking.
In reality, these are some sort of super-nubby thick fleece sorts of things that basically look like Snuggies made into sweatpants, which is not a thing any of our vaginas here at Happy resemble. Here’s an overly cute, overly ick, description from the makers of these monstrosities.
Why are Vajamas so soft? Because they’re made with 100% Vagisoft. And just how soft is Vagisoft? Let us explain:
Once upon a time, the world of tactile technology was satisfied with “soft as a baby’s bottom” as the measure of absolute softness. Anyone who dared name something “softer than” the aforementioned infant’s posterior was suggesting a theoretical world of soft that existed beyond anything man could conceive.
Then Betabrand researchers invented the Tactile Soft-O-Meter®, a device that can detect and compare the density of softrons, the subatomic units of softness. Using this newfound knowledge, they were able to create pants so ineffably comfy, test subjects had to be removed from them with the Jaws of Life!
But to the chagrin of our marketing department, the Soft-O-Meter indicated that the fabric measured “Vagisoft” within a standard deviation of one softron. Vagisoft? Well, we decided that if the Soft-O-meter says it, so be it!
So the insides of a lady are softer than a baby’s butt. Someone got paid to think of that AND write terrible copy about it. How many times do you think they had to consult a thesaurus to settle on “ineffably” as a modifier for “comfy”? Do you think they got paid extra to do that part? We can’t even begin to think about the brainstorming sessions. “Guys, what’s softer than baby ass? The head of my dick? Naw, let’s go with vagina. That’ll sell.”
Did no one talk to any ladies about this? Because any ladies would have explained that “vagisoft” sounds uncomfortably close to “Vagisil,” which does not evoke a comfortable vagina at all.
Anyway, after their vagina = softness marketing insight breakthrough, someone decided that if you Photoshop ladies asleep atop koalas
…and mashed potatoes
…that will evoke the softness of these vagina pants.
Guys, we hate to break it to you, but if you feel like the inside of a lady feels like mashed potatoes, either you have never been with an actual lady or your lady has serious problems with her nether regions. Also, we’re not sure what the marketing is actually going for with all the pix of ladies sleeping in vagisoft pants atop cushy things. Is this supposed to evoke ladies sleeping inside their own soft vagina? Is this a thing anyone wants?
These things will set you back $85, so start saving your pennies now.