What should you call your junk? Part 1 of a 69-part primer in how to #Sexphone

by · June 29, 2014

What Should You Call Your Junk? Part One Of A 69-Part Primer In How To #Sexphone

I don’t like to brag, but I have been doing a lot of #sexphone. I told my neighbors, I was all, yo, you will be hearing me doing #sexphone, and I am not stopping, sorrynotsorry. And my neighbors said, “Oh was that you? I heard that!” because of how I am good at #sexphone.

This week, in the first part of our 69-part primer, “How To #Sexphone,” we will be covering the most important part of #Sexphone: What to call your vangee and peener so as to make them sound intriguing and delightful and like a thing people would like to look at, touch, fondle, suck on, lick, nibble, and poke at suspiciously.

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Men! (If you are a man.) Are you unable to call your cock a cock like a normal grownup person who is doing sex things to himself, on the phone, at another human being? Then here is a list of other words you can substitute!

  • Rod. “Rod” is weird, it is such a porn word and also a romance novel word (lady porn), but I guess it is acceptable? Sure, it’s acceptable. You do you.
  • Manhood. “He thrust his manhood into her velvet sheath.” (I read a lot of romance novels. Did you know every lady’s sheath is velvet? It is true. If your sheath were Naugahyde instead, you would probly be sad.)
  • Thing. This makes your dick sound like a monster, which is good. Your cock should terrify women, who should faint at the sight of it. “Thingie” on the other hand is best avoided.
  • Member. Once I called and left a message for a state Senator I was banging, and his aide said, “I will brief the member,” and I laughed and laughed.
  • Hog. Fuck it, why not, you’re super-gross.

Womyn! (If you are a womyn, which I think is also singular for womyn.) Just call your vadge a pussy, everybody likes that. “Oh, but I am shy and cannot say pussy,” you are saying, in which case “How To #Sexphone, A 69-Part Primer” may not really be for you. But if you truly can’t bring yourself to say “pussy,” here is a list of acceptable substitutions.

  • Death Mound.
  • Hell Mouth.
  • Terrifying Quicksand That Will Suck In Your Penis And Devour It And Also Has Spiders.
  • Satan’s Taco.
  • Black Hole.
  • Venus Flytrap.
  • Audrey II.
  • Happyface Kittycat Rainbow Brite.

Now you know how to discuss your genitals in a way that is sure to make people want to slather them in their precious bodily fluids. You are welcome.

Next time: How much should you cry before, during and after #sexphone?

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  • Drew Miner

    what about men referencing their boy part as “junk” this seems to be a little disrespectful of the said member. But maybe would be good to use if placing on a garage sale picnic table? Is that what is meant when they say “role play”?

  • Mahousu

    Personally, I’d prefer Audrey Tautou to Audrey II.

  • Jason M

    Romance +1. I’m already running a rehearsal in my head how I’m gonna work “Satan’s Taco” into the sweet nothing’s I entice my wife with, tonight. It’s gonna be great.

  • SullivanSt

    You’re pretty much just trolling Mellissa McEwan with those lady part names, aren’t you?

  • gurukalehuru

    Happyface Kittycat Rainbow Brite would give me instant phone bone, I am for serious.

  • BMW

    I think Iliza Shlesinger, in a her stand up special “War Paint,” had the best idea what to call a vagina: “snootch.” Like a furry (obviously) creature that appears wearing a top hat and blesses your intercourse.

  • BMW

    Don’t you mean…PENIS Flytrap?*rimshot*

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      maybe they were naming their ladyparts after the nighttime DJ on WKRP

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So how do you keep the spiders from drowning in the quicksand?

    • glasspusher

      They have to remain motionless.Also- now I know why I don’t last long. That’s why they call it quicksand, i guess.

  • natoslug

    Lacking imagination, I usually call my penis penis. It, however, rarely calls back.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      The Call Of The Penis, by Jackoff london

  • Haribo Lector

    I prefer to call it my “Gentleman’s Excuse-Me”.

  • How’d you miss “bacon & Play-Doh?”

  • BloviateMe

    I followed in the footsteps of Al Gore, and dubbed my penis “The Inconvenient Truth.”

    • mtn_philosoph

      aka “The Hockey Stick?”

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • Audrey II :

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I’ve always called my cock the Star-Bellied Sneetch.

  • lesterthegiantape

    My male genital organ is called Henry Kissinger because it opened up China but ordered several Chilean assassinations.

    • lesterthegiantape

      It’s not that you don’t get it. It’s that it doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry.

  • arensb

    I just love putting my Louie Gohmert inside a lady’s Sarlacc pit.

  • Zyxomma

    For years, I called my pussy a flower. Venus flytrap? I love them, but it’s not appropriate for my ladyparts.

  • conDomDeluise

    Or cuntarino. You know, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

  • Guest

    Rainbow G*sh. (From My Little P—y: Friendship is Beneficial, my ~totally made up~ clopfic.)

  • mtn_philosoph

    My forces from the Iron Islands, now quartered in Sunspear, will burst through your gates and pour into your Red Keep whilst I seize The Twins. Brace yourself, Wonket is coming.

  • Brendan_M

    The best way to get into a Hellmouth is in the basement of a high school…so that one works.

  • marindenver

    My dear late hubbie referred to his Rocket. And, yes, it did go off like a rocket when I fueled it up. ;-)

  • Spiders? In my vagina? It’s more likely than you think.

  • Dick Genitals

    say it with me PENIS.

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