I don’t like to brag, but I have been doing a lot of #sexphone. I told my neighbors, I was all, yo, you will be hearing me doing #sexphone, and I am not stopping, sorrynotsorry. And my neighbors said, “Oh was that you? I heard that!” because of how I am good at #sexphone.

This week, in the first part of our 69-part primer, “How To #Sexphone,” we will be covering the most important part of #Sexphone: What to call your vangee and peener so as to make them sound intriguing and delightful and like a thing people would like to look at, touch, fondle, suck on, lick, nibble, and poke at suspiciously.

Men! (If you are a man.) Are you unable to call your cock a cock like a normal grownup person who is doing sex things to himself, on the phone, at another human being? Then here is a list of other words you can substitute!

• Rod. “Rod” is weird, it is such a porn word and also a romance novel word (lady porn), but I guess it is acceptable? Sure, it’s acceptable. You do you.
• Manhood. “He thrust his manhood into her velvet sheath.” (I read a lot of romance novels. Did you know every lady’s sheath is velvet? It is true. If your sheath were Naugahyde instead, you would probly be sad.)
• Thing. This makes your dick sound like a monster, which is good. Your cock should terrify women, who should faint at the sight of it. “Thingie” on the other hand is best avoided.
• Member. Once I called and left a message for a state Senator I was banging, and his aide said, “I will brief the member,” and I laughed and laughed.
• Hog. Fuck it, why not, you’re super-gross.

Womyn! (If you are a womyn, which I think is also singular for womyn.) Just call your vadge a pussy, everybody likes that. “Oh, but I am shy and cannot say pussy,” you are saying, in which case “How To #Sexphone, A 69-Part Primer” may not really be for you. But if you truly can’t bring yourself to say “pussy,” here is a list of acceptable substitutions.

• Death Mound.
• Hell Mouth.
• Terrifying Quicksand That Will Suck In Your Penis And Devour It And Also Has Spiders.
• Satan’s Taco.
• Black Hole.
• Venus Flytrap.
• Audrey II.
• Happyface Kittycat Rainbow Brite.

Now you know how to discuss your genitals in a way that is sure to make people want to slather them in their precious bodily fluids. You are welcome.

Next time: How much should you cry before, during and after #sexphone?