Buy Us This Seven-Person Trike And Facilitate Happy Nice Wonkette Team Building This Christmas
We’ve finally reached the end of our now very long Christmas list. To be honest, you people have really underperformed in the gift-giving department. Now, however, you can redeem your season-long failure by buying us this ridiculous and perfect 7-person tricycle.
Yes, you can give us the gift of having Alex, DDM, Kaili, Dok Zoom, Gary, yr humble correspondent, and of course the Editrix, all stuck together on one bike. It will be just like our Wonket Seekrit Chatcave, but with more accidental knees to the face as we all try to pedal this thing. Conveniently, it has headlights, so that when Rebecca makes us work late, we’ll be able to see where we’re going.
You know what? We can’t possibly paraphrase all the ridiculous things that this trike has/does/can represent/will help thought lead, so let’s just go to the breathless description, shall we?
This is the only tricycle that accommodates seven adults and facilitates close-knit conferencing during joyrides. The seven seats each have a set of pedals that riders can operate simultaneously to propel the tricycle up to 10 mph, encouraging social interaction and team-building while pedaling. One of the seven riders steers the tricycle and controls the dual independent hydraulic brake systems (one hand lever and a foot pedal). Handmade in Germany for the likes of Cirque du Soleil and Google…
Don’t you want us to be just like Google? DON’T YOU? Listen, we can’t be changemakers and synergizers unless we can all be forced to ride around in distressingly close quarters, working up a full head of sweat, irritation, and a sense of helplessness because we will never get where we are going because this thing is an insane nightmare horrorscape that can’t possibly work well. Yes, we know “insane” is ableist, but you try to come up with a better word for this monstrosity.
None of the impracticality or potential for fistfights breaking out matters, because we’ll feel all Cirque when we ride the bike and you’ll feel the true joy of Christmas, which is getting us expensive presents. Help us help you be joyful by overnighting this thing to Rebecca ASAP.