Britney Spears Is Keeping The World Safe From Pirates So Shut Up You Guys
Here at Happy, we strive to be your news source for all things Britney Spears. Also, too, Ronan Farrow. And Billy Zane, because he’s a cool dude! Anyway. Back to Britney, bitch. Do not hate on Britney, because she is keeping the world safe from pirates, and not the dirtysexy kind of pirates like Keith Johnny Depp Richards neither. Actual marauding pirates.
According to merchant navy officer Rachel Owens, the “Work Bitch” singer’s oeuvre worked expertly (bitch) at keeping Somali pirates at bay while she was on duty on a supertanker off the east coast of Africa. “Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most,” Owens said. […]
Alas, this isn’t just a crackpot theory held by one Ms. Rachel Owens. Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, confirms that the strategy works like musical cannonballs, as the Somalis loathe Western culture. “Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid or try to overcome the music,” he says.
Using Western pop music to be-sadden the heathens has been A Thing for a while now, what with AC/DC and “Sesame Street,” among others, being used to torment the Guantanamo detainees, and before that, we metaled the fuck out of that Manuel Noriega dude.
Oh, shit, they use that Barney “I Love You” song too, for that extra special frisson of “violating universal human rights.” No wonder the rest of the world hates us.