Why We Do Not Bite People: A PSA For Sportsballers

Football/soccer/foreignball player Luis Suarez chomped on an Italian dude’s shoulder today in the Uruguay match against Italy! Apparently this is the third time this Suarez (AN ADULT HUMAN MALE) has bitten a fellow sportsballer. And as Twitter pal Brant Parsons shared with us, Vine man Tim Burke kindly Vined all the bites for you here.

Now as we said, this ain’t the first time Mister Luis Suarez has been involved in controversy. Over yonder at ESPN, they were super-quick to post a rundown of Suarez’s other problems with Soccer Law. Bro-dawg has some serious ish and needs to chill for a while, which will certainly happen if the #BanSuarez campaign on Twitter gets its way! But this biting put us in mind of other Terrible Bites In Sportsball History, and it also made us think of why biting is not okay. Why We Do Not Bite People: A PSA For Sportsballers Ewwwww, for example, here is Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear! He did it not once, but twice! Do you remember this? We do, and we do not even LIKE the punching, or “boxing” as most people call it. So freaking gross. Here’s the video.

And maybe this isn’t exactly on the field of sport, but remember when beloved sportsball sportscaster Marv Albert was charged with forcible sodomy and assault of a longtime female acquaintance? He bit her 15 to 20 times and then allegedly forced her to go down on him (he told the authorities it was consensual). In all these cases, we are talking not just about a lapse in judgement, but about a crime. One may argue that Albert’s was certainly more severe an infraction than anything Suarez or Tyson did, but there’s a creepy link here.

In each instance, supporters of the accused will try to say the fellow was just “in the heat of the moment,” whether that heat stems from competition or from sexual interaction. The nature of the passion in question is of no real consequence; what matters is that an individual crosses a line and injures someone else. This isn’t just what happens when guys get really psyched. And if we promote that attitude, we’re opening the door to things like the affirmation of domestic violence as a natural outgrowth of tension in a relationship. We’re saying men are unable to control themselves, and what’s more, they shouldn’t be expected to control themselves. We’re taking responsibility and agency away from grown adults and playing the blame for their actions on some outside force (or even the victims, which is especially true when the victim in question is a female). By all means, ban Luis Suarez. Get his aggro vampire ass off the field and into psychological counseling to figure out why, exactly, he feels the need to literally sink his teeth into humans who displease him.

We’ll give the final word to Evander Holyfield, who seems to have a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing — but who certainly hasn’t forgotten the humiliation of being attacked.




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  • Haribo Lector

    In other walks of life, when you assault someone you go to prison. Something to think about there.

  • chadingo

    he’s nicknamed Sabre tooth Suarez. Plus the Mexican referee for the match is nicknamed el Chiqui Dracula.

  • MausFeet

    Even more fun, ear biting to the point of needing reattachment. In baseball. AAA baseball. During a fight between two players on the same team. http://www.latimes.com/sports/dodgers/dodgersnow/la-sp-dn-dodgers-alex-guerrero-ear-miguel-olivo-20140606-story.html

  • doktorzoom

    This was no “boating accident”

    • glasspusher

      we’re going to need a bigger soccer stadium?

  • docterry6973

    As a psychologist and soccersportsball fan, I find Suarez to be immensely interesting.

  • EricPoole

    Two observations:1) Who would have thought, 15 years ago, that Mike Tyson, who is constantly seeking to be a better person, would now be the good guy, and the homophobic Evander Holyfield be the bad guy?2) This is yet another reason that rugby is superior to soccer. If somebody gets bitten next year at the Rugby World Cup, you’ll probably never find out who did it. Wayne Shelford’s testicle got ripped out of his scrotum (by a boot, not a bite) back in a 1987 New Zealand-France match, and nobody’s still quite sure who did it.

    • glasspusher

      second point: you can’t be serious

      • Yes, he’s got the facts wrong. The game was in 1986. And he doesn’t mention that Shelford played the rest of the game through.

        • EricPoole

          Yes, I did leave that part out. Thanks for picking me up on that.And the second part is certainly more serious than the first, since it would be a considerable stretch to refer to a convicted rapist as the “good guy.”