Aug 2, 2021
Why We Do Not Bite People: A PSA For Sportsballers
Football/soccer/foreignball player Luis Suarez chomped on an Italian dude’s shoulder today in the Uruguay match against Italy! Apparently this is the third time this Suarez (AN ADULT HUMAN MALE) has bitten a fellow sportsballer. And as Twitter pal Brant Parsons shared with us, Vine man Tim Burke kindly Vined all the bites for you here.
Now as we said, this ain’t the first time Mister Luis Suarez has been involved in controversy. Over yonder at ESPN, they were super-quick to post a rundown of Suarez’s other problems with Soccer Law. Bro-dawg has some serious ish and needs to chill for a while, which will certainly happen if the #BanSuarez campaign on Twitter gets its way! But this biting put us in mind of other Terrible Bites In Sportsball History, and it also made us think of why biting is not okay. Ewwwww, for example, here is Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear! He did it not once, but twice! Do you remember this? We do, and we do not even LIKE the punching, or “boxing” as most people call it. So freaking gross. Here’s the video.
And maybe this isn’t exactly on the field of sport, but remember when beloved sportsball sportscaster Marv Albert was charged with forcible sodomy and assault of a longtime female acquaintance? He bit her 15 to 20 times and then allegedly forced her to go down on him (he told the authorities it was consensual). In all these cases, we are talking not just about a lapse in judgement, but about a crime. One may argue that Albert’s was certainly more severe an infraction than anything Suarez or Tyson did, but there’s a creepy link here.
In each instance, supporters of the accused will try to say the fellow was just “in the heat of the moment,” whether that heat stems from competition or from sexual interaction. The nature of the passion in question is of no real consequence; what matters is that an individual crosses a line and injures someone else. This isn’t just what happens when guys get really psyched. And if we promote that attitude, we’re opening the door to things like the affirmation of domestic violence as a natural outgrowth of tension in a relationship. We’re saying men are unable to control themselves, and what’s more, they shouldn’t be expected to control themselves. We’re taking responsibility and agency away from grown adults and playing the blame for their actions on some outside force (or even the victims, which is especially true when the victim in question is a female). By all means, ban Luis Suarez. Get his aggro vampire ass off the field and into psychological counseling to figure out why, exactly, he feels the need to literally sink his teeth into humans who displease him.
We’ll give the final word to Evander Holyfield, who seems to have a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing — but who certainly hasn’t forgotten the humiliation of being attacked.
I guess any part of the body is up for eating. — Evander Holyfield (@holyfield) June 24, 2014