Sep 30, 2019
The Buffalo Bills Will Helpfully Teach Cheerleaders How To Wash Their Lady Parts And Menstruate Properly
Has your place of employment ever explained how you should clean and care for your vagina? No? Well, maybe you’re doin’ it wrong. If no one ever told you, how do you know you’re doin’ it right? We here at Happy would like to offer the Buffalo Bills a hearty congratulations for taking the initiative and creating a handy-dandy manual that teaches their cheerladies, known far and wide by no one as the Jills, how to groom everything from their hair to their ladybits.
If only everyone’s boss would explain that when cleaning your “intimate area” you should:
Never use a deodorant or chemically enhanced product. Simple, non-deodorant soap will help maintain the right PH balance.
You guys, SO HELPFUL.
You know what else the cheerladies need help with? Stemming their menstrual tide:
When menstruating, use a product that right for your menstrual flow. A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus. A product left in too long can cause bacteria or fungus build up. Products can be changed at least every 4 hours. Except when sleeping, they can be left in for the night.
See! We can’t tell you how many times we’ve found ourselves using irritatingly large tampons. If we had received a helpful manual we totally could have avoided that incident at prom.
The Bills are also concerned that their cheerladies may forget that they need to wash their feet.
Wash your feet daily! This will help control foot odor & keep fungus from developing in toenails. Cotton socks also help with odor. Nylons and nylon socks create sweaty feet which creates odor.
It’s understandable. Because of the rigorous physical requirements of cheerleading most of the Jills have very long legs. We imagine it’s very easy to forget that there are feet all the way down there.
While we are sure that we would appreciate receiving such a detailed and helpful manual, it does raise for us one eensy-weensy question…do cheerladies not wear undergarments and shoes at their job? Mayhap if someone at your job is close enough to know the PH balance of your lady business, you have more problems than your soap choices?
Ah, see if you keep reading, you’ll find that the Bills are concerned about their cheerladies’ grooming habits everywhere, providing helpful advice about washing your towels before they begin to smell, rinsing your razor when shaving, and the unhygienic nature of sponges. In fact, the Bills are concerned about virtually every aspect of their cheerladies’ lives: formal dining etiquette, wedding planning, hosiery brands.
Indeed, Bills management is so thoughtful, they make the Bengals look positively lackadaisical when it comes to their Ben-gals. Outside of ensuring that their cheerladies breasts do not slouch, and policing their no underwear policy…wait, what? Oh, fer fuck’s sake. We can’t even fake it anymore.
Listen up, Sportz People Who Hire Cheerladies, this is fucking absurd. The underpants rule was the last straw. And the only reason we know all this about your organizations is because in exchange for having every moment of their lives micromanaged, you don’t pay these women a living wage and they would please like to eat and have made that a bit of a public matter.
And why won’t you pay them a living wage? Because it is a hobby? Aren’t sports technically “hobbies”? This is not a hobby. Cheerleading at this level is one element of a gigantic entertainment event that makes a fucking fortune. You employ cheerleaders as performers to add value to the event. You are a $422 billion dollar a year industry and you are paying these performers as though you are a community theater. You are not the equivalent of a community theatre. Cue obligatory sports joke about your favorite perennial loser sports franchise here.
You are the equivalent of Hollywood movie studios. Even if you consider cheerleaders to be the sports equivalent of extras, extras get paid between $56 and $110 dollars per day, plus overtime, for their work, not just for the limited amount of time they are actually being filmed, but for all of the time they are devoting to the production of the film. To continue the equivalency you would need to pay cheerleaders for their practice time, the events they go to on your behalf, and whenever you request that they give up their time to advance the goals of your very profitable organization. So, pay them. Because it’s the right fucking thing to do.
‘Course you might just not get that chance, because the Jills are are suing the fuck out of you. An act for which you appear to be punishing them for, by allowing your subcontractor to suspend the cheerleading squad’s operations for the season.
Also, plus, too, these women are grown-ups. Would you appreciate being told how to groom yourselves by your manager? Or, being taught by your boss how you should tip? Or, when to do your fucking laundry? Apparently, you think your cheerladies are too vapid to know these things.
Now, you may be thinking that some of these are related to the nature of the work. For example, how else could your cheerleaders possibly know that visible panty lines aren’t appropriate? Because, you hire women who have grown up dancing, cheerleading or competing in gymnastics. Don’t even fucking pretend that isn’t who you hire, we’ve all seen that gawdawful Dallas Cowboy’s Cheerleader show.
You really think these women don’t know how to dress in a costume? And if, by some random chance, you happen to hire a woman who doesn’t understand how underpants work, you could probably just have a quick chat, instead of creating an incredibly insulting, infantilizing manual of micromanaging garbage.
And cheerladies, you need to stick together. Ignore the sage wisdom from your manual about other women judging you, even in the bathroom, and good luck suing those exploitive asshats.